May Thoughts

Spring has sprung and during the warm-up to summer, my brain has started functioning again...

• Those warnings they have at the beginning of TV shows are starting to border on the ridiculousness. Why don't we just create one generic warning...

Warning: The content of this program is likely to offend someone some of the time. If you are a human of average intelligence of any age, you shouldn't watch this program some of the time.

• Life is short -- maybe 5' 4" at most.


• All referees seem to wear those black-and-white striped jerseys, almost like a zebra. Is the uniform to help confuse predators because they'll blend into the shadows?


• Clicks run clockwise -- coincidence?


• Do people who live in Dawson's Creek walk around humming that theme song all day?


• When alphaghetti was being tested, it was called beta-ghetti?


• How much longer can GM last? You know a company is in trouble when they have to guarantee their warranty.


• Technically, you cannot run like the wind. You can only blow like the wind.


• One day I'm going to be rich and rule the world. At the rate things are going with the economy, I'll only need a few thousand dollars.


• I'm a cool guy trapped in a nerd's body...and clothing...and glasses...and pocket protector...and...


• ...for some strange reason, he got in the car. And let that be a lesson to you. Never get in the car with a strange reason. Only if you know the reason should you get in.

Random Thoughts for the Weekend

I was in a silly mood just now and a few thoughts spilled out. I'll try to clean up the mess.

• Remember, at one time, King Kong was just a Prince.
• The sky has fallen and it can't get up!
• I have about 50,000 brownie points. Where do I go to cash them in?
• Lego people throw block parties.
• There are no silly questions. Only silly question marks.
• Awkward is my middle name. My first name is Very.
• Dizziness is just your brains way of saying circles aren't cool.
• When you think about it, most people who say they like to have a cup of coffee in the morning tend to be holding one of those super, jumbo-sized coffees in their hand. I have news for you, that's a bit more than a cup.
• Hmmmm, I'm going to take these crushed bits of ice and add food colouring to it. Then I'll call it a Slurpee -- brilliant!
• Bad name for a novel: The End Sucks
• Change takes time. Parking meters take change. Therefore parking takes time.
• Have you ever had a dream where you're asking people if they've ever had a dream about asking people about having a dream where...Yeah, happened to me once too.
• What exactly is a preview? How do you view something before you view something? "Let's view this movie." ..."Let's preview this movie." What's the difference?

Thoughts du jour

Some thoughts over the past, um, jours.

• Love is blind. So are bats.
• Michael Jackson announced he's making a "comeback." This, of course, will be exciting to the 50,000 fans who never thought he left. The rest of us will just laugh.
• Non-cowboys should not be allowed to say "Y'all." It bugs me to no end to watch a man wearing a suit and tie say "Hi y'all!" You know what? Go drive a herd of cattle somewhere, then you can say "Y'all"
• I find it interesting when people add a word in front of the word "love" to somehow describe "love" better. Looking for "real love". Looking for "true love". By definition, love is real and true. If it's not, it's not love.
• To me, the word unauthorized sounds like it's where someone authorized something, but then changed their mind. "I'd like to unauthorize this."
• I have a bit of dirt on my hands. I have a bit a time on my hands. Which one seems wrong to you?
• Why do people say they're going to "jump" into the shower. What's with all this jumping? It sounds very dangerous to me.
• By definition only outgoing people will tell you they're outgoing. Shy people won't say anything...because they're shy.

Add the Ten and Carry the Two

Over the weekend, I experienced (more like suffered) the most annoying experience one could have while waiting in a checkout line. In fact, I not only dealt with this mind-numbing, hair-pulling situation once -- I experienced it twice!

By now you're probably wondering: "Is this man insane?" or perhaps "Am I insane for reading his blog?" or at bare minimum, "What the hell is this insane man talking about?"

Well I refuse the first two questions (ok, yes I am, and yes, you probably are), but the answer to the third question is: I'm talking about when people are ready to pay at the cash register and it turns into a 10-minute fiasco trying to sort out how best to pay.

Now I realize everyone has this quest to rid themselves of any and all coins in their pockets. I also recognize the sheer joy and jubilation one receives when one is able to pay by exact change. I've experienced that myself...

Cashier: "That'll be $38.97" *A big grin appears on their face.*
Me: *Western-themed music plays as I reach for my wallet*
Cashier: *Her face goes from a grin to a frown*
Me: "Ha ha! I have a twenty, a ten, a 5, and look! A toonie, a loonie, and even..."
*We both gasp as I drop the change in her hand*
Me: "...97 cents..."
*The marching band and parade begins*

What drives me nuts, though, is where the person turns it into a game. A win. A matter of pride. They must "defeat" the cashier at all costs (pun intended) and ensure that they give that cashier the optimal amount of bills and coins.

That same $38.97 purchase took place not once but twice over the weekend. In both cases, I was next in line at the grocery store and when the total was given, the lady pulled out your wallet and I swear the theme from Mission Impossible started playing.

Bills started flying everywhere.
Billows of smoke poured from her ears as she tried to calculate what coins she had.

Let's see. It's $38.97, but I have $41.50. Is that good? Wait! What about $41.75. Maybe that extra quarter will do the trick! Wait! No, let me try $39.07. No, that won't work, it's only a single dime back, dammit! There's got to be a way to make this work!

In the meantime, my frozen dinner has defrosted, my bread's gone mouldy and I'm pretty sure Barack Obama's term as President ended 2 days earlier. She's trying to figure out how to get rid of all of her penny's and nickels, and the rest of us in line are forming a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks.

There should be a 30 second time limit on these sorts of exercises. I think that would do the trick.

Customer: Wait! Wait! I think I've got a nickel and a penny! One more penny! I've got to have it here somewh---
Cashier: *Buzzer* Awww, sorry, time's up. You'll have to give me $40 and deal with the change.
Customer: *Sobs* But, but, I just needed another second and---
Cashier: *Evil grin* Here's your change. Now get out of here before I give it to you in dimes.

Thoughts and News

Wow! Where have I been for the past few months! Why am I asking you? I have no idea, but I'm rambling now (like that's unusual).

But I've been busy -- sleeping a lot. Working a lot. I've been wandering aimlessly, though sometimes I've been wandering aimed. I have a few thoughts that have been slowly forming in my mind.

I hope to resume blogging more actively in the next week or two, but I need time to "ramp up" -- whatever that means. It really has nothing to do with ramps...

• Yesterday I tried to tickle someone's fancy. I almost got arrested.
• I love it when people comment: "You look nothing like your picture." That's right. I'm rarely glossy and I'm not 5x7.
• What's with people wishing a "Happy New Years?" It's Happy New Year -- no plural. It's a new year, not a bunch of new years. One at a time, folks. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
• I heard on the news the other day, researchers are trying to determine why "middle-aged" women have more stress and they're looking to interview women in their mid-40's. To save on some research time, they're stressed because you're calling women in their mid-40's "middle-aged!"
• So GM wants billions of dollars AND lay off 47,000 people. Precisely how badly managed is this company?
• If you dance like no one's watching, you're bound to step on a few toes.
• I've got great morals -- but I've got a bad memory.
• Pursuing happiness suggests that happiness is something to chase when in reality it's people who run from happiness.
• Sugar will make anything taste amazing...except for salt.

It's Been A Long Time Since I Thought Randomly

Wow! Has a whole month gone by since I last blogged? Holy cow, talk about writers block -- or in my case, about 4 or 5 blocks.

Well, I'm back, albeit briefly. Here are a few thoughts that crossed my mind over the past few weeks.

• Two blondes walked into a bar. They forgot to duck.
• From a current hurricane forecast: "SHEARED DEEP CONVECTION WITH CLOUD TOPS COLDER THAN -80C IN THE NORTHEAST QUADRANT HAVE STARTED TO DEVELOP CLOSER TO THE LOW-LEVEL CENTER. ONCE KYLE TURNS MORE TOWARD THE NORTH-NORTHWEST...THE VERTICAL CIRCULATIONS ARE EXPECTED TO BECOME VERTICALLY STACKED AND MORE ALIGNED WITH THE DEEP LAYER FLOW." -- In other words: "We have no idea what's going to happen, but if we use big words, it'll sound cool."
• I love baba ghanouj to the point I'm probably a little too friendly with the food. I call it babs ghanouj.
• I don't understand the concept of a belt. I'm going to go buy some pants. But rather than buy pants that fit me, I'll deliberately get ones that will actually fall right down to my knees if I even move. Now I'll go spend more money on this rope that if I tie it tight enough, it'll keep my pants from falling down to my knees. Does this actually make sense to anyone?
• One of John McCain's campaign promises should be: "I promise to remain alive during my full four year term in office." It's too bad Ronald Reagan didn't make a similar promise...
• The oldest rocks -- 4.28 billion years old! -- were found in Quebec. They were readily identified by the long, grey beards and the constant ramblings about drugs and rock and roll.
• Those yellow warning signs you see that warn you the floor is wet and you might slip? Just how useless are those? I've never seen anyone actually slip anyways. But if it did, all that sign does it tell you what caused the fall -- it's not like it prevents something. Now if the warning sign was attached to a nice, comfy mattress covering the wet floor, that's a different story.
• I wanted to buy a great dane, but I couldn't afford it. So instead I bought a mediocre dane.

It's Bigfoot! Not...

Hey, do you like my blog? Maybe others would like it too. Spread the word!

Some random thoughts and news from the past few days...

• Two people hold a news conference to explain they have a frozen Bigfoot in a box. A couple of "experts" vouch for their claim. The other day, these experts discover upon further examination the Bigfoot is just a costume. Another story to file under DUH!
• A few days ago, a report came out saying the U.S. is vulnerable to cyberattacks which personally I thinkaer345ysdf SATAN RULES SATAN RULES asdgnaernio is total crap and would never happen.
• Any time I see an "Out of Order" sign on a public toilet I wonder what the hell did the last guy do to cause the toilet to break.
• The Thetford Chicken Massacre -- an actual event held in a small town in Quebec -- is where they take live chickens, cut off their heads and throw them in the air and wager on where the chickens will end up on the ground once they stop convulsing. Seriously. The organizers response to criticism is that chickens raised on farms for slaughter are treated far worse than what they do. I hate that sort of argument! What they're basically saying is "Yes, we're doing something bad, but not as bad as that over there!" You know what? You're doing something wrong, and something that's even more wrong doesn't justify what you're doing. "Yes, I stabbed a guy to death, but it's not as bad as that guy over there who used a gun." Make any sense to you?
• A female prisoner in Florida is complaining through her lawyer that she's "uncomfortable" in prison and wants to be let out. Yeah, we'll get right on that, right after we take care of Olympic judging.
• A study apparently is looking into the association between people who have "wide faces" and aggression. How about we focus on the connection between people who actually kill others and violence. Might be more fruitful.
• Three professions where you never want to hear the word "Oops": Your surgeon, a pilot, and your barber.
• If you get pissed off at the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Random Thoughts for Friday

It's been awhile since I've done some random thoughts. That's partially because I really haven't been thinking randomly for awhile. Actually, I don't think I've been thinking at all. Hmmmmm...

• I was reading how scientists "revealed" an invisibility cloak. Ironic choice of words. What did they do? Point at an empty desk and say: "See the computer monitor on the desk? Good! See how well it's working already?" Isn't this something too easy to fake?
• You know you've become domesticated as a man when you start to leave the toilet seat down in the men's washroom.
• I love how the word "homemade" is used by restaurants. I saw a sign the other day that said "Try our homemade pasta sauce!" In other words, you take individual ingredients and mix them together in your own recipe as opposed to using a pre-made sauce from a jar?! I should sure as hell hope so, otherwise why am I paying you!
• Similarly, I love how "homemade" is used with pre-made sauces and other prepared foods you see in the supermarket. Do me a favour: Don't flatter yourself by calling it "homemade" unless there's a little old lady in your factory mixing the ingredients together herself and pouring it into one jar at a time.
• One last point about restaurants...a general rule of thumb: If I'm going to a place where I'm going to pay someone to make me food, the food they make should not be something I could've easily made at home for 1/2 the cost.
• So it now turns out the some of the olympic fireworks was faked and the little girl who was supposedly singing was actually lip-synching to a pre-recorded version. I wouldn't be surprised if the gymnastics scores weren't "pre-recorded" too, ahem.
• There's a news story that just broke about how a security document from Environment Canada was found on a street corner and how there's concern about it. I'm not sure what the concern is. What's going to happen? Someone going to break into the computer systems and make all the weather forecasts accurate?
• Apparently the regulatory commission in Canada has approved it's own adult channel with -- as newspapers report it, "homegrown talent". No comment.

Plane Stories

I just recently came from from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The flight back actually involved a stop-over in Newark, New Jersey, so I actually did Fort Lauderdale to Newark to Toronto.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm a nervous flyer. I'm not scared, per se, but nervous. I don't like turbulence or anything else out-of-the-ordinary. Unfortunately, both flights home had out-of-the-ordinary moments...

While on the ground at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, the captain launched into his spiel about the upcoming flight -- you know, the stuff no one cares about? "We'll be at 39,000 feet," he says. "We expect it to be a smooth flight." Do you ever hear the pilot say, "You're going to be shitting bricks, folks. This flight's gonna be a rollercoaster!" Of course not.

In the middle of his speech, something happened. "...we'll be in Newark in about 2 hours 32 minutes. The temperature there is about ---" Suddenly the entire plane goes dead! The lights went out. The air flow stopped. The engines shut down. We're on the ground, remember, but still, this eerie silence followed. After about 5 seconds, the pilot said over the intercom: "Oops."

Seriously.

After about another minute, the plane started up again, but it left me thinking the pilot just accidentally turned off the plane! I didn't even realize that was possible! Was there a key he turned the wrong way? Did he blow a fuse? Was there a big, red Off button he accidentally pressed? How does a pilot accidentally turn off a plane?

The rest of the flight to Newark was uneventful, but more than a few of us on the plane were awaiting his next "Oops." *SLAM* "Oops! Forgot to put the landing gear down. Let me make a note of that for next time..."

I thought the short, one hour flight from Newark to Toronto would be easier. Nope! The flight from Newark to Toronto was on a small, 50-person propeller plane. I hate these planes as they bounce around all over the place with the slightest breeze. And is it only me, or do the propellers look like they're going to just fly right off the wings?

In any case, we managed to taxi onto the runway without incident. (Sidenote: Why does a plane "taxi" anywhere, but taxis never "plane"?) The engines revved for take off, and we started moving forward at quite a clip. About halfway down the runway to take off, suddenly the plane lurched, like we were losing speed. It was obvious the propellers were being powered down and the brakes were being applied hard. The takeoff was being aborted.

It's not like we were losing control, but the first question that came to mind was will we stop before the end of the runway? The second question was why did he abort take off? Of course, the second question was only possible to ask because the answer to the first question was "yes".

After successfully slowing down, he pulled off the runway to a secluded corner of the airport away from everything. Everyone was trying to figure out what was happening? Is there a bomb threat against a prop-plane? Was there debris on the runway -- such as another plane?

After waiting for about 5 minutes, the pilot finally came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentleman, unfortunately, we've had to abort the takeoff."

Ummmm, no shit.

"During takeoff, an indicator light came on indicating the rear cargo door was open, so we had to investigate that."

Gee, thanks. Good idea. Someone in the plane mimicked the pilots voice: "...and will the guy who packed please go pick up his luggage that's on runway 29..." Everyone laughed. Better than "Oops."

A few minutes later, the pilot announced they actually couldn't find a problem with the cargo door and perhaps the indicator light wasn't correct. Oh good! We'll just have to test that out, won't we. I can see it now: We're in the air and the pilot comes on the intercom. "Ladies and gentleman. Yeah, that cargo light. It was actually correct! Look at that! Oh and your luggage is in Lake Ontario. In compensation, we'd like to offer you an extra bag of complimentary peanuts."

Finally, we make it back to the runway and just before we takeoff, the pilot announced he hoped to "make up time in the air" due to the delay. But there was a problem with that. The flight is an hour long. We'd been delayed an hour. We were supposed to be in Toronto at 1pm. We were taking off at 1pm! So unless he found some sort of wormhole to take us back in time, I don't think he was going to make up any time at all in the air.

Ultimately, I survived. The luggage survived. And this is why I hate to fly.

In the news for Thursday

Wow, a whole rash of interesting headlines today. I've been asked if I'm making these headlines up. No, the headlines are quite real, usually taken from the Toronto Star and CNN websites. Of course, the comments are my own.

• A Baby Elephant was born at the African Lion Safari yesterday. It promptly rammed a car.
• A South Korean company actually cloned a dog 5 times and sent them to the owner who ordered them. Because they're exact copies, only one of the dogs has to be walked and trained.
• 125,000 gorillas were found in a remote part of Africa, increasing their numbers dramatically. The gorrilas have been there all along, but they had fake id.
• Scientists announced a toxin was found on Mars that suggests life isn't possible on Mars. The specific toxin is still being analyzed, but it appears to be associated with McDonald's Secret Sauce.
• A man agreed to plead guilty to murder in exchange for a bucket of KFC. His lawyers plan on appealing his conviction on the grounds of him suffering cruel and unusual punishment.
• Detroit's mayor is being sent to jail for perjury. He allegedly perjured himself when he was previously in court and swore to tell the truth.