- A Baby Elephant was born at the African Lion Safari yesterday. It promptly rammed a car.
- A South Korean company actually cloned a dog 5 times and sent them to the owner who ordered them. Because they're exact copies, only one of the dogs has to be walked and trained.
- 125,000 gorillas were found in a remote part of Africa, increasing their numbers dramatically. The gorrilas have been there all along, but they had fake id.
- Scientists announced a toxin was found on Mars that suggests life isn't possible on Mars. The specific toxin is still being analyzed, but it appears to be associated with McDonald's Secret Sauce.
- A man agreed to plead guilty to murder in exchange for a bucket of KFC. His lawyers plan on appealing his conviction on the grounds of him suffering cruel and unusual punishment.
- Detroit's mayor is being sent to jail for perjury. He allegedly perjured himself when he was previously in court and swore to tell the truth.
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