Tuesday's News

Some headlines I thought I saw in the news today. Perhaps I was wrong...hmmm...

• A midget and a basketball player collided in a pedestrian accident this morning. A spokesperson for the fire department would not comment, other than to say the Jaws-of-Life had to be used.
• A bear shit in the woods.
• The President of Quitters Anonymous announced he's ending his term early.
• A survey reports the most common name for a dog or cat: Peeve
• The police disposed of bullet-proof vests and replaced them with bulletproof jackets and ties as vests were considered "too 70's"
• Scientists announced that because of extensive drug tests on rats, they have been cured of all diseases...and they have two tails.
• It was an odd theme night in the entertainment district on Saturday. During an earthquake, as people filed into dance clubs, they shook hands, shook their heads, then shook their booty to the song "Shook me all night long"
• Due to the increased cost of gas and excess weight, airlines added yet another surcharge today, charging an additional $20 for anyone boarding the plane wearing socks.
• The President of the United States said he's by-passing the two-term limit law by announcing the last term was actually all a dream.
• And this is a real headline worded a bit strangely. Look at the list of raw ingredients.: "The brewer of Stella Artois and Beck's beer said Tuesday it was hiking prices to offset soaring costs for raw ingredients such as malt, barley and aluminum." -- This is why I like light beer. It has less aluminum...

The Drive for 1,000

Folks, as you can see by the hit counter in the lower-right corner, I'm sooooooooooo close to getting 1,000 hits. This is exciting news...well for me, at least. For all of you who read my blog -- all 3 of you -- I appreciate your continued support, comments and suggestions.

I offer this challenge: I'd like to hit 1,000 by the end of the week, if not earlier. Do you know of any friends who you think would enjoy my blog? Do you know of a website where I should advertise? Lets increase my audience. The bigger the audience, the more comments and suggestions I'll get and the more topics and ideas I'll have.

Does this smack of desperation? Damn right it does! So before I have to grovel, pass along my URL to others, and keep checking back for almost daily posts on just about everything random...

Thank you fur yur support.

Jeff

Friday's Thoughts

Wow, it's been awhile since I had random thoughts in bullet points. For the past couple of weeks I've been ranting and raving. But it's Friday, and I'm tired. My thinking has shrunk quicker than the U.S. housing market. Here are my thoughts for today -- for what it's worth...

• I don't need to be revitalized. I haven't even been vitalized once.
• There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's usually the headlights from a car.
• If a dog mimics another dog, is it a copycat? Or a copy...well you get the drift.
• What exactly is the difference between a braincramp and a brainfart and why are we attaching other bodily functions to our brain in the first place?
• The speed in which I run varies proportionally with the size of the dog chasing me
• One day I'd like to see the sky actually fall. That'd be kind of cool.
• Life is a highway and the guy behind me has road rage.
• I'm not afraid of my own shadow, but I don't like the looks of other shadows.
• Jelly fish wander the ocean searching for Peanutbutter fish

That Was a Close Shave

I was shaving this morning and decided to read the label on the tube (yes, it's a tube) of shaving cream. I will say upfront this particular brand (which I will not name) is by far the best shaving cream I've ever used giving the smoothest shave without any irritation or sensitivity.

Now before I continue sounding like a commercial, I was actually astounded by what I read on the label. So much so, I have to make fun of it here. Once again, I love the product, but apparently this product's marketing team was hired away from NASA and Microsoft...

Enjoy shaving with our multiple award winning AlphaGel Shaving Software.
-- Yes, they are calling it "software". It's shaving cream, folks. It does not help you write documents. It does not help you clean up your pictures. You put it on your face. And my apologies, but I must have missed the 20th Annual Shaving Cream Awards, so I'll trust that you won something. They have awards for shaving cream??

AlphaGel Shaving Gel employs SSE,™ our unique Shave Surface Enhancing technology, with DDS™ (Dual Delivery System)...
-- Ok, once again, we're still talking about a shaving cream. Any shaving cream that uses acronyms has a problem -- let alone having two of them in the same sentence! And come on, can't you just say: "Our shaving cream delivers a smooth shave?" Do we need to talk about a technology? Are there microchips? Do you need RAM and a hard drive? Can it connect to my router? If not, then please don't use that word.

Pre-shave, prime face for a superlative shave with K-1ST180G Face Wash. Post-shave, protect face from UVA/B rays with K-24SPF8 Moisturiser.
-- Are these part numbers for the shuttle? "The shuttle Endeavor was delayed from launching today due to a part malfunction in the booster rockets. The K-1st/180G will have to be replaced and take up to two weeks." How does anyone even remember these product names?

Now I'm no marketing guru, but shouldn't the "hype" around the product be at the same level as the product itself? In other words, this is a simple product with a simple purpose. Can't we just say it shaves well? Do we need it to have a technology and software? Do we need to give it weird code names?

Once again, in my experience, this product is the best -- at least for me. But geez, I get the impression if people read the label, they'd be afraid to try using it because they might break something or need special equipment.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put some B-94X turkey on a slice of Ultra-QB White Bread for my dinner.

Sick as a...dog

I was listening to the radio the other evening when the radio announcer mentioned a recent study out of the UK cautioned people from allowing their dogs to sleep on their beds or even within the bedroom because dogs carry some dangerous diseases, such as salmonella. The radio announcer spent the next while taking calls from listeners who expressed their opinion on the matter.

Now it's time to express mine.

For those of you who don't know, I have a dog. Her name is Abby. She's about 17 months now. She's a handful at time since she's still a bit young, but she's a lot of fun and has a great personality. Boy, it sounds like I'm trying to set her up on a date or something...

In any case, back to the matter at hand. Does she sleep on the bed? Sometimes, yes. She also sleeps on her own bed as well -- also in the bedroom. She does wander into the kitchen, but she's not fed in the kitchen -- she has her own eating area.

Am I worried? Am I going to stop allowing her into the bedroom or kitchen? Nope! Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass (or perhaps dog's ass in this case).

I can guarantee that my dog is dirty at times. She plays in the grass. She steps in mud. She plays with other dogs. I try to clean her up as best I can, but I'm sure I miss a spot here and there and, ahem, usually those are the spots Abby cleans herself.

At this point, I'm hearing a chorus of "Ewwwwwwwwww! Your dog licks herself and then you let her lick your hands or face?!" Yes I do. And by the way, think about all the places you put your soap while you're showering. And if you share that shower with someone else, multiply it by 2.

My dog is dirty. So are door knobs. So's the keyboard I'm using right now. So is the toilet seat, your kitchen sink, your laundry room drawers, restaurant tables and your steering wheel. Folks, the world is a dirty place and covered with germs. You can scrub, use those sprays, creams, lotions, masks, gloves, and so on, but I'd rather be exposed to the germs and become immune versus living in a sanitized glass bubble where the first exposure to a virus sends me to the hospital for a week because I have no immune system.

Obviously, there are people who have to be careful about this sort of thing. There are kids, the elderly and those with compromised immune systems that have to be on their guard and it makes sense that they're going to need to minimize exposure. But for the rest of us average folks, you know what? If having a dog scares you that much then don't get a dog!

There was one lady who called into the radio show explaining her son unfortunately contracted one of these diseases from a puppy she had a few years back and he spent a few days in the hospital. Now she has two new puppies, but they're not allowed to lick anything or anyone in the house! Isn't that like training a dog not to wag it's tail?? That's ridiculous! It begs the question: Given your son has a weakened immune system, why bother re-exposing him to the danger again?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean up before my guests come over...

The article can be found here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/21/ndogs121.xml

Infomercials

I was reminiscing the other day with a friend of mine about infomercials. Not the infomercials we have these days (as silly as they are), but the infomercials in the mid-1990's when they were in their hayday. I was in university at the time and I could spend a glorious night watching infomercial after infomercial just to see what they could come up with next -- and boy did they come up with a bunch of them!

The formula for these informercials haven't changed, though. Even when you bump into an informercial on tv today, the formula is exactly the same:

Step 1
Man with loud, annoying voice with an English or Australian accent announces an astounding breakthrough of epic proportions. This breakthrough has actually been used in some "exotic" European country for years (usually Sweden) and is only now available in North America.

Step 2
Show the product and use it in an astounding way:
Example 1: A knife that cuts through the wing of an airplane.
Example 2: A detergent that cleans up blood and brain matter off of a carpet.
Example 3: A car covered with a special wax is set on fire, then dropped off a 10-story building. Yes, it's dented, but boy is it ever shiny!

Step 3
Show how inferior the old product was by giving it to someone who's totally inept.
Example 1: A woman walks in carrying a mop and a bucket of water. The water is sloshing all over the floor. She slips on the water. The mop goes one way breaking through a glass window. The water spills all over the floor short circuiting the fridge. She shakes her head shameful mouthing "Oh darn!"

Example 2: Woman tries to slice some bread and cannot at all, squishing the bread entirely. She shakes her first at the knife in frustration. Granted, she was using a butter knife...

Example 3: A woman (notice it's always women?) tries to cook spaghetti...in a pot of boiling water *gasp*! She fails miserably. The boiling water spills out of the pot and when she tries to dump it into a strainer, the spaghetti misses the strainer entirely spilling all over the floor. Then she reaches for a mop...

Step 4
The product is demonstrated by a product expert. Usually this is someone the creator of the product since no one else has ever used the product before. The host of the show is humbled by how easy the product is and how even he can use such a simple product.

Step 5
A video montage is shown with "interviews" of various product users. Typically these are older people who swear how their lives have changed since they got the new "Super Blade" and they can't imagine living their lives without one.

The video then continues to demonstrate the product. It includes a reference from someone in a white lab coat explaining the product uses "space-age" technology (though it's never been used in space...and didn't the space age begin in the 1960's?).

Example 1: A person uses the product to easily cut through brick -- cutting a new door for their house.

Example 2: In a matter of minutes, a woman has created a 20 litre bowl of salad using the "Veggie-slice" that'll chop, slice, dice and mince -- all at the same time.

Example 3: To demonstrate the strength of the product, the product is repeatedly runner-over, banged with a hammer, and blown up. Typically the product will never experience any of these scenarios.

Step 6
How much does it cost? A comparable product is shown for thousands of dollars in an exclusive magazine. That version of the product is made of solid gold.

Luckily, this version of the product doesn't cost $200 or $190, or $180, or $170, or...the countdown continues for about 2 minutes until it reaches $150. But it doesn't cost $150. It's actually 3 easy payments of $49.99 (in other words $149.97).

The annoying announcer then explains if you order within the next 24 hours, they'll double your order, because you have two hands, so you can use each knife in one hand. They also offer a handy carrying case (a plastic bag), and a book of recipes -- even if the product has nothing to do with cooking.

They also throw in a DVD demonstrating the product (a copy of the infomercial) with the same annoying announcer and product creator.

Shipping and handling charges cost an additional $150 even though the product can fit in a small box.

Step 7
Theinformercialendswiththeannouncersayingsomewordsgroupedsocloselytogethernooneunderstandswhathe'ssaying.

My Balls

Alright. Lets get the ball rolling!

Man, does I have balls writing a post like this. I mean, I had to really pay attention and observe.

But anyone can be on the ball. If you're on the ball, then you know what's going on, and anyone can do that. If you're not on the ball, you're not aware of what's going on.

If you're not aware of what's going on, you haven't maybe you've lost your marbles -- kind of like a bunch of small balls. I wonder where all these lost marbles have gone? Maybe it's in the same place where people lose their socks.

And trust me, you need socks if you want to do anything active...like ballroom dancing. Though it's not really a room with balls in it -- except for the guys in the room (though I've heard some people joke they don't have balls, either, but that's for another post.)

But no wonder people lose their marbles -- they're so much pressure to be on the ball. It feels like they're always behind the eight ball.

Maybe we should all go on a vacation. Just fly off somewhere! Ever try landing on an aircraft carrier? Just before they land, the pilot has to call the ball. Talk about having to be on the ball to call the ball, otherwise they'll lose more than just their marbles.

Editor's note: Is this a boring post? (Not loud enough -- say it again!) But hey, sometimes not everything has to be witty, funny or amusing. Sometimes, I just notice things -- like the use of the word "ball". Just be thankful I don't observe things like this too often...

Jeff's Ultra Mega Super Maximum Wednesday Blog Post

I caught a commercial the other day for a "clinical strength" anti-persperant. Clinical strength. Do they have clinics to deal with this sort of issue? I suppose there are people who have sweat issues and may need some sort of treatment, but come on...clinical strength?

Over the years, I've noticed how over-the-counter medications -- particularly headache medications -- have tried to sound stronger and stronger in terms of their effectiveness. The problem is, everytime they make them sound stronger, they paint themselves into a new corner: If this is extra strength, what can be stronger?

I've seen the following "strengths" on various medications over the years:

• Low dose: Sort of like taking the medication...but not really.
• Regular: This is almost boring to take now. Only regular? Wimp!
• Extra strength
• Super
• Mega
• Ultra
• Maximum
• ...and now Clinical

Now, I'm not quite sure what the difference is between super and mega but they appear to be different in some way.

Pharmacist: "Oh no, I wouldn't take that. That's the super dosage. Start with the mega dosage first and work your way up to that."

I think the worst thing that happened was when they came out with maximum strength versions awhile back. It probably sounded great at the time, but I have a feeling a few months later they realized they were kind of trapped. If this is the absolute maximum amount you can take...then, I think we're done! We reached the maximum strength. Send home the chemists and the marketing people! We can't do anything more for you!

And that's another thing about maximum strength that kind of bugs me. It's potentially very depressing. I've got a bad headache or some sort of really bad cold or whatever. I grab a box of the maximum strength and pop two pills. If that doesn't take care of the issue, there's nothing left. How depressing is that! I've got a nasty cold and not even maximum strength took care of it. I'm doomed!

Personally, I think they should back off the idea of "maximum" so there's always room to grow. I think they should relabel it "Kinda Close". This would be beneficial to both consumers and pharmaceuticals alike. For the consumer, if I take it and it doesn't work, then I know that at least some day, somewhere out there, I'll find something stronger. If the pharmaceutical, you can keep pushing it stronger and stronger. There's always room for more.

I suspect the next wave of these drugs will be either using the term "clinical" now (if they're "clinical" now, what were they before?!) or they'll start combining terms. You'll start to see Super Extra-Strength or Mega-max Strength.

I suppose that's all fine and dandy as long as we keep it to the medical industry. If this starts to bleed into other areas, that'll become a problem. I don't want to go to the grocery store to buy max-calcium milk followed by mega-grain bread with ultra-fat free steak.

If I do, that's ok. I'll just wash my dishes with clinical strength grease-fighting soap.

Editors note: An Australian friend has reminded me I missed "prescription strength". My apologies as there's about 10 more jokes I could've made had I remembered.

Umbrellas

The other day, there was a heavy rain, and I was excited as I actually enjoy walking in a nice, warm downpour during the summer months. Of course, it's not exactly summer just yet, nor was it warm, so my excitement dimished quickly, only to be replaced with a mild case of hypothermia.

One thing that's always facinated me is the umbrella. You'd think these are simple devices, but alas, they are not. They're complex, annoying devices that require a great deal of thought and care.

Sometimes even just opening an umbrella can be a chore. You've got the manual umbrellas that you have to slide open yourself, and then there are the more automatic versions where you push a button and it just pops open. I'm one of the idiots that'll push the button without thinking first where the umbrella is pointed and almost knock someone out as they wander by -- or in some cases, it'll open in my face. I can see it now: Walking into a hospital with an umbrella injury.

Once it's open, that's just the beginning. Then you suddenly have to become a physics major.

• What direction is the wind blowing?
• What direction is the rain coming from?
• How can you angle the umbrella such that it protects you from the rain without the umbrella collapsing or blowing away?
• What is the optimal walking speed to keep the umbrella pointed in that position?

It's a very cool feeling when you get it right. You're walking, totally dry, the umbrella almost floating there as you barely hold it. But I'm not a phyics major, so more often than not, I open my umbrella, whap someone in the head; then by the time I have everything figured out I'm drenched anyways.

It's also rather amusing watching someone who's a bit shorter or lighter in stature dealing with the wind. You're almost waiting for them to pull a Mary Poppins and just fly off into the sunset. One day it'll happen. I just hope I have my camera -- with a good zoom lens.

Ever buy one of those umbrellas for $1.99 at a convenience store? It's like buying flowers at a convenience store. They last about as long as you can walk out of the store. Those umbrellas collapse faster than the U.S. housing market -- it's incredible to watch: It's raining, so you manually open the umbrella only to watch the entire top portion pop right off the handle and clatter on the ground and roll down the road as others look on in amusement.

Speaking of opening umbrellas, isn't there some sort of umbrella etiquette or handbook or guide of some sort? What is it with people shaking out their umbrellas in enclosed areas? Would you like it if I brought my wet dog into your house and had her shake herself dry on your couch? Then why would you shake out your umbrella in the stairwell or hallway as people walk by? There must be a 10 foot radius of clearance -- minimum.

Similarly, when you have your umbrella open, be mindful of your surroundings. Those umbrella collisions can be horrific: handles flying, umbrella shards flying through the air, metal and umbrella debris strewn all over the sidewalk. Pedestrians have to walk around the mess; backups form; ambulances are called; lawyers sue... Ok, I'm getting carried away.

Ultimately, an umbrella is like the mind: It works better when open and it gets slippery when wet. (Don't ask me what this means.)

Hurry! Before It Expires!

I came across this very interesting expiry date on my salad dressing. I didn't realize technology has gotten this good. Not only can they tell you the date the salad dressing expires on (October 12, 2008), but even the time!

I almost want to hold onto this salad dressing to see what happens at 11:48! And do they mean AM or PM? I mean talk about the pressure!

There I am...it's 11:46am. Sweat dripping down my forehead as I frantically pile salad into my mouth. The second-hand on the clock slowly counting towards doom! 30 seconds...31 seconds...32 seconds! Almost there! Must...have...more...dressing...

Backyard Crap

So I was out in my backyard yesterday cleaning up about 20 lbs of dog shit that accumulated over the winter. It was a pleasant task. I then realized I was cleaning up the dog shit so next weekend I could cover my lawn with cow shit. This made a great deal of sense to me.

I also have to figure out what to put in my garden -- granted, I don't actually have a garden yet. But I could go with the practical: Grow some vegetables. I could go with the impractical, but pretty: Plant flowers, shrubs, etc. I could also go with quirky: Gnomes.

Having a garden is kind of a cool concept. I suddenly become a farmer of this little plot of land. I almost feel like I should wear overalls, throw on a baseball cap, have a wheat stalk sticking out of my mouth, and adopt a drawl:

"Yup, that's my plot of land right there, that 1/1000th of an acre. Yup, she's alllll mine. Gotta know when the soil's right to plant my crop of tulips. See, right now, the soil's too dry. See all the pebbles and stones. That's going to cause too much drainage, see. The soil has to be tilled and I have to throw in that mulch from Canadian Tire to make things right. Last year's crop almost failed because of the early frost..."

In general having a backyard is a cool thing. This is my own little bit of land where I can do with it as I choose. Heck, I may even start a development in my backyard.

Phase 1: Housing.
Dog house
Bird house

Phase 2: Add a community centre...aka a bird bath

Phase 3: Build a road (a stone pathway).

...and don't get me started on how grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I'll save that for a blog post next time.

Picture This

I'm an amateur photographer. A very amateur photographer, but I bought my expensive toy (aka a Nikon D80) to take my pictures. I'm certainly not an expert, nor do I claim to be one, but I enjoy taking pictures and you can see many of them at www.flickr.com/photos/jeffuwo with my best ones being in the Art Gallery section. In turn, I enjoy looking at the pictures people take. I can learn from it and realize how much more I need to learn.

But there is one type of picture that I've always found amusing: the self-portrait. This is where a person points the camera at themselves to take the picture, or they stand in front of a mirror. I love both types since I just find it interesting that this is something people do. It's understood not everyone's camera has a self-timer, or there are those spontaneous moments, but more often-than-not, I see this type of picture being taken when there's lots of time to take a normal one instead.

I love the mirror-based ones in particular. You have to somehow point the camera at yourself, make sure you're in frame, and take the picture. It's not that easy. I usually notice one (or more) of the following things happen:

• The person is in this seductive or sexy pose...but they have the camera up to their face and one hand holding the camera. Can you imagine walking into a McDonald's and as you ordered food, the cashier was in this ultra-seductive pose trying to push the keys on the cash register? That's how a person looks when trying to take a picture of themself.
• The flash! The flash! You're in front of a mirror. Mirrors reflect light. The flash on your camera is a lot of light...all at once. Guess what happens when you take a picture in front of a mirror using the flash?
• Lack of coordination or concentration. The person is looking down at the camera while the picture is being taken. The person is so focused on the aiming and how they look in the little tv screen, they kind of forget to look up.
• Similarly, or even worse is looking through the camera viewfinder. Unless you're trying to do a bodyshot, all you get is a camera attached to a neck and body. It's kind of cool in a Star Trek-Borg sort of way, but otherwise, it doesn't do anyone any good.

Some people forego the whole mirror thing since it's a rather complicated task (plus there has to be a mirror at the time you need to take the picture) and just turn and point the camera at themselves. That can work, but some advice:

• Keep the camera level and your head level (unless you're trying to get a specific background). Otherwise you get a lovely shot looking up your nose or at your down at your double-chin.
• Try not to include anything below the shoulder. I love those shots where all you see is an arm (or arms) in the frame attached to a head at the end of it. Try to make it look like someone else took the shot.
• Therefore, try to use only one hand if you can to take the picture. With two arms, people look like they're zombies or doing a Frankenstein imitation.

I also love the "cram". This is where someone has cellphone and 20 of their closest friends and they all want to appear in a cellphone pic. You know how you can't get 10 people to fit in a car? You can't get 20 people to fit in a cellphone pic. I see people slamming heads together -- their faces and heads welding together...steam coming out of their hair as they push harder and harder against each other. Friggin' DNA is being exchanged people are so close together. It ain't gonna work folks! Take two steps back and take the picture with two people at a time, folks.

If you have examples of these sorts of pictures, send them and I'll post them in an upcoming blog. Or post the URL in a comment. They are amusing -- don't you agree?

Sorry to interrupt...

"We interrupt this program for this late-breaking news bulletin."
"Pardon me, but can you help me with..."
"Can I jump in for a second..."

Don't you hate being interrupted? It's one of the most annoying things I can think of. You're in the middle of a conversation and someone jumps in. Or you're alone, thinking of something and someone interrupts your train of thought.

I find it amazing how there's an inverse relationship between the cause of the interruption and what's being interrupted. The more important the conversation you're having, the less important the reason is for the interruption:

"...so we have to somehow re-finance our home while protecting our RSP, but hey, I think I have an idea that might -- "
*tap* *tap*
"Excuse me, but does bottled water have to be in a bottle?"

Speaking of water, that's one of the most awkward times to be interrupted -- while drinking something. You're busy chugging away and someone wanders by asking you a question or tries to strike up a conversation. You desperately try to signal with your free hand while you continue chugging away and try to avoid saying something while swallowing. Of course, there's that 1% failure rate where you choke and spew liquid all over the person talking to you. It's one of those Kodak moments that everyone loves.

But what's more awkward for me is the washroom-urinal interruption. For you women out there, I don't know how often this happens in the washroom, but us guys have to contend with having to aim while in the peeing. And like driving while talking on your cellphone, aiming and talking to the guy next to you is...risky. There's that natural inclination to turn and face the person you're talking to -- not a good thing while you're...aiming.

I notice, though, that not all guys talk while at the urinal. I've noticed that executives seem to do it (or at least guys in suits and ties), but not the non-executives. Maybe this is one of the criteria to become an executive?

"What do you think of promoting Brian?"
"Well he's definitely got the smarts, and I like what he did with the Bellham Project."
"True, but can he pee and talk at the same time?"
"Good point."

Even worse than that is --

Sorry, forgot what I was thinking. Had a phonecall. Something about bottled water.

Find out who has the hots for you!

Facebook is an interesting website, isn't it? Facebook itself, as a concept, isn't that bad at all.

I've done the whole "reunion" thing, which is always fun. This is where you find your old grade school classmates. Once you find them, the email exchange always goes like this:

Me: "Wow! Bill, remember me? Jeff? The nerdy looking guy from grade 5? I'm still nerdy looking, but I'm working now. Boy, you look exactly the same as I remember you then."

Bill: "Jeff, holy shit! Yeah, I remember you....[explains job and marital status]."

Me: [Explains job and marital status.]

Bill: "Well, keep in touch. My phone number is 555-4526."

Me: "Mine is 555-6838"

*Crickets chirping*

I've also done the always enjoyable: Posting embarrassing pics of friends. That's always fun, isn't it? You login to find a new notification. You click on it and there's that picture you thought had been destroyed -- you know, the one of you naked vomitting into someone's toilet with shaving cream on your head with an empty bottle of vodka laying at your feet while a same-sex friend is in a sexually suggestive pose next to you?

It's nice that Facebook not only allows you to post pictures of others, but you can also label them too, so everyone knows your name. Fun.

But the part I enjoy the most about Facebook are all those third-party apps. If everytime you got home in the evening you received about 5-10 solicitations by phone for a new product, would you be happy about that? I suspect not. Yet, everytime I login to Facebook, there it is: 15 notifications of different shapes and sizes of apps -- all of which are useless.

It's usually just one or two people that seem to be "app-happy", trying to set a new record for the most annoying and useless apps available. Of course, by registering for those apps, that person spams all their "friends" to get them to join too. In my mind, it's a great way to lose friends.

I login and I'm being notified of new apps, such as:

1) Someone has the hots for you! Sign up to find out who!

2) Your mage was attacked. Sign up to attack back!

3) Your friend has been rated as 25% blonde. How blonde are you?

4) Bob has given you a snack. Which snack did you get?

...and on...and on...and on.

I'm not interested in being attacked, being given food, being told I'm hot, or blonde, or cool, or not cool, or I look like their brother.

I'm on Facebook to....um...well, I'm pretty much on there to play Scrabulous.

The First Sign of Armageddon

I believe the world is coming to an end sometime this year.

The "First Sign" as prophesized in 232 A.D. has arrived. There is an old scripture that read:

"...and there shall come forth a Group of Five who shall bring mirth and merriment to the youth, but will be of dubious tone and movement. They will return after 100 moons and their reuniting shall be considered the first sign."

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/03/people.newkids.ap/index.html

Editor's note: As you can see by the comment, I had to be corrected that there are in fact FIVE not FOUR in the group. I have since updated it. My apologies to all who were offended by me leaving one of the members out (I won't tell you which one I left out).

Thursday's Thoughts (Say that 3x quickly)

Finally, spring is in the air! Actually, pollution is in the air, but the pollution is getting warmer, so it's beginning to feel like spring. For me there's always one telltale sign spring is back. It has nothing to do with the date or the temperature or that the snow is melting.

For me, spring always begins based on one clear sign: When I see the Canadian geese flying back into the city. These animals have been doing it for thousands of years. If there's anything out there that knows when it's warming up, it's these guys. So when I see those little "V" formations, and birdshit on my car, I know spring is around the corner, and all I can say is I'm seeing those geese everywhere...and there's shit on my car.

I'm always amazed about the geese, though. I mean they fly all that way down south to escape the cold for a good 4-5 months, but they never seem to come back with a tan. How do they manage that? You'd think they'd come back sporting a tan, wearing flip-flops and a hat. You'd hear them in the fields and on the ponds joking about how "Bob kicked that hunters ass," or how "Jake got soooo drunk, he made out with a swan."

In any case, I did manage to conjure up a few thoughts for this lovely Thursday:

• I drink pro-biotic milk and eat pro-biotic bread. I'm going to ask my doctor to give me some anti-biotics. I want to see who wins.
• What is this "All that and a bag of chips" thing? Since when did a bag of chips become so damn important? They're fried potatoes.
• Ever notice stage hypnotists use the phrases "Cluck like a chicken" or "Bark like a dog"? Do they have to clarify what animals make those sounds? Are they concerned someone may bark like a bird?
• Have you ever been singing in the shower and you're belting out a note and you get a mouthful of water and start gasping and choking for air and feel like an idiot after and feel thankful that no one was around to hear it? Yeah, me neither.
• Sleeping is just a really, really long blink.
• My mind is elsewhere -- I think it's in Florida with my relatives.
• Why is the ocean so polite? Because it's always waving.

Foods I Wish Were Grown Conveniently

As I was writing the comment on "Natural Mashed Potatoes" from yesterday's post, I realized we're missing the boat when it comes to food. There's a whole bunch of "convenience crops" -- as I'd call them -- that would make crops and growing foods quicker, more convenient and easier. Why should we have to grow potatoes when you can grow mashed potatoes? Imagine a big field of mashed potatoes. Bring in a truck of gravy, some butter, and voila! Grab your shovel and a plate and you have your side dish. No processing required!

Screw genetically modified foods and crops -- this is the wave of the future. Given they're "convenience crops" they'll only be available at Convenience Stores...at an extreme markup, of course.

• Tuna in oil: Hell, if the Exxon Valdez can dump oil into the ocean, when we're breeding tuna on those fish farms, splash some vegetable oil in there. Save us the time of having to do it later.
• Chocolate milkshakes: Get our cows eating chocolate ice cream and vibrate vigourously. Remember to chill the results instantly to maintain flavour and freshness.
• French fries: If we could grow these, those "pick-your-own" places would flourish
• Apple pie: What's in an apple pie? Apples! If we're growing the apples, can't we just grow the topping around it too? Pick it right off the tree and heat.
• Garden Salad: We're getting lazy here. We don't even have to do anything different to the plant. Grow all the vegetables within close proximity of one another. Get out the ol' weed-wacker and a bowl.
• Pancakes: I don't care how you do it, but someone figure out how to grow these, please.
• Breaded chicken: As they grow up, get them to roll around in the breading a bit. The breading would stick better if you used eggs too, but I think the chickens would find that to be a conflict of interest.
• Scrambled eggs: Speaking of eggs, give them a few shakes and change the packaging.
• Chocolate covered...anything: Melt the chocolate and re-purpose a crop duster to spray...well just about anything with chocolate.
• The Spaghetti Tree: Sounds like a good idea, but someone else thought of it first. You can read more about it here: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/Hoaxipedia/Swiss_Spaghetti_Harvest/