**Important note: This is about my massage and facial on my cruise. What’d you think I was talking about?**
*Editor’s note: Click-bait!*
Just to set the stage, I’ve had massages before, many times. I’m also on a cruise right now in the middle of the Caribbean Sea just having left Bonaire. (Yes, this was said to make all of you jealous – except for those of you who live in Bonaire.)
Without getting into details, I’ve had a bit of a rough year and I’ve been rather stressed (understating things a lot). When I saw a flyer on the cruise for a 75 minute massage, I jumped at the chance as it’d been a few months.
Now, I’m well aware that most massages on a cruise are actually “massages” + a chance to upsell every spray, cream, oil, and foam they have in their cabinets and drawers. “There. Do you feel more relaxed? I bet you’d feel even more relaxed if you tried our 1 ounce bottle of Ultra-Relax spray. Just one spray per day will make you feel so happy. It smells just like weed, and the bottle will last you 2 weeks. It’s on sale for only $200…”
The lady doing my massage had a very thick accent and a very annoying laugh. It’s not a bad thing she has an accent – I’m just horrible at understanding accents. So when she said something like “Bleh bleh bleh underwear bleh bleh bleh…” I’m not sure if she was telling me to remove my underwear or keep it on. I chose to keep it on.
She put her hands on my back and within moments I was in excruciating pain as she attempted to massage my back. There was more popping sounds than a 5 year old kid with ADHD playing with bubble wrap. “My goodness,” she exclaimed. “You’re as hard as a rock!”
Of course it’s as hard as a rock. You’re literally shifting my entire spinal column based on how hard you’re pressing into my back. I’m pretty sure my muscles don’t stretch that way. She was making me more tense, not less.
I asked her to go a bit lighter. She replied with “Bleh bleh bleh.” And laughed.
She did not go a bit lighter.
Perhaps she didn’t understand me. Perhaps she thought I said “I already feel better.” It’s difficult to speak when you’re wincing in pain as someone re-arranges your musculoskeletal system.
Like a steak being cooked to well-done, after 45 minutes, she flipped me over to do the other side. I was excited about the potential scalp massage as I love scalp massages!
Now I’m laying there, on my back, eyes closed, awaiting my scalp massage when I feel some wet things go over my eyes.
*Editor’s note: Again, this is click-bait!*
She had put cucumbers over my eyes! I had not requested this, nor was I expecting it and I’ve never had this happen before. Oddly enough, I somehow new they were cucumber slices. I’m not sure how I knew – it’s not like I’ve sampled a variety of fruits and vegetables with my eyelids, but I seemed to intuitively know that’s what it was.
Now I’m not sure what the cucumbers were supposed to do, but I felt instinctively I should pour some vinegar and olive oil over my face with some slices of mozzarella and call it a day. I’ve since been told that the cucumbers would help with age lines and puffiness. All I can say is after the session I didn’t look 10 years younger, but I’m pretty sure the cucumber slices looked 10 years older, so perhaps there’s something to that.
Perhaps those of you that have had *coughs* facials before can help me with this next bit. All I know is over the next 15 minutes, I’d feel her rub a cream all over my face…then wipe it off with a wet towel. Then wipe on a *different* cream for a few minutes and wipe that one off with a towel.
Then an oil.
Then some sort of scrub.
Then a cream.
But a different cream for the cheeks – the cheeks on my face!
I don’t think I’ve ever had that much of any substance on my face at any time. *coughs*. And she kept wiping it off over and over, so I guess it couldn’t have been that important.
Finally, while feeling relaxed with cucumbers doing what cucumbers do and covered in some sort of oily sheen, I hear this loud DING from a triangle next to my ear. She softly told me that she was finished and I could get up – at least that’s what I *think* she said given I was deaf in that ear, and my other ear could only hear my heart pounding in fear.
After removing the cucumbers, she lectured me on a ‘de-stressing mist’ that I should use – I kid you not – and then handed me the bill. Let’s just say I really could have used that de-stressing cream afterwards, not beforehand.
Interestingly, the moment I said I wasn’t interested in any sort of creams or mists, she said something to the effect of “Okthatsfinetalktoyoulateryoucangonowbye.” And opened the door. Oh, and she laughed again.
I slithered to my room, leaving a slimy mess behind me that only slugs could appreciate. I would have showered, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve created some sort of ecological disaster off the coast of Bonaire.
I’m no longer a facial virgin. Can’t wait for my next one…
*Coughs*
