Post-Halloween Scaaaaaaaaaaaary Random Thoughts

Halloween was a blast.  I'm still coming down from my sugar high.  I implemented a "one for them, ten for me" policy and it worked like a charm. Well, as autumn comes to a close and I get whipped in the face with leaves and rain, I offer you these thoughts:

• When eating broccoli, have you ever pretended to be like a dinosaur or a giant eating a puny, little tree?  Yeah, me too. 
• I need to stop procrastinating!  I'm going to start working on that.  Right after I play this video game.
• Gay snakes hith.
• It's ironic when someone says they're running late.  Odds are, if they were running, they wouldn't have been late.  You're walking!  Pick up the pace!
• The square was all alone.  He never quite knew how to fit in with his circle of friends
• I've named my dog Peeve.
• Curiosity killed the cat.  Luckily, the cat had 9 lives, so the cat is still alive and was able to testify in court.  Curiosity is serving 25 to life.  How's that for a movie of the week?
• Difference between men and women:  men want to be John Travolta in Grease but without the cheesy singing. Women want to be Olivia Newton-John with the singing, the dancing and all the backup singers as their real friends.
• Notice that they stopped those secretive "How do they get the caramel into the caramilk bars?". I guess someone figured it out. Or that they realized no one gave a shit. 
• People on buses and subways: you know when your stop is coming up. Stop waiting until the last possible micro-second before the doors are about to close and then abruptly stand up acting all surprised like "How the fuck did we get here?!" and then try to bowl over every man, woman, and their dog as you try and do the 100 metre dash in a 15 metre bus glaring at the other patrons like it's their fault.  Stop trying to act cool and saunter off the bus like Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry after offing someone and just get your butt to the door BEFORE the vehicle comes to a stop.
• I tried to jog my memory the other day, but my memory isn't into exercise. 
• To the people who seem to identify themselves solely by the music you listen to:  it's time to pick up a book. It's time to open the door and take a walk in the park. It's time to realize you're not the living personification of an Eminem song. Welcome to the Jungle, dude. 
• What's too fast for snail sex?  "Fred's a nice guy but horrible in bed.  Just as we get going -- bam! -- 2 hours later and he's done." 
• Let me make this clear; this will not be transparent.
• How do they test Raid?  Do they send a guy into a room full of wasps with the can and hope for the best?  "Nope.  Bob, you have to tweak that formula a bit more.  Oh, and call HR as we're hiring again."

More thoughts for autumn

I won't bother writing more great poetry as my previous blog post (there was enough cheese there for a couple of sandwiches), so I'll get right to the point...if I ever have one.

• I think the scene from Alien where the alien comes out of the guy's stomach was inspired by the writer watching his wife have a C-section.
• It's nice to finally see black widow spiders and white widow spiders finally getting along.
• For once I'd like to have pre-nasal drip.
• When unicorns have babies, do they come out horn first?  Do the horns grow later?  I hope so.
• Ballerinas like to be surprised.  It keeps them on their toes.
• Slug wedding processions must take forever.
• You'd think all Jewish men would be afraid of scissors.
• It's important all pregnant women attend prenatal classes to prepare them for when they become natal.
• Since love is blind, it typically uses a seeing eye dog
• Exactly what types of disguises do blessings use?

As a man, I've always been a bit self-conscious when hugging a woman.  To put it bluntly:  boobs -- they're in the way.  It's tricky.  As a guy, this really never comes into play.  First of all, my dick is between my legs so rarely is there dick-to-anything contact.  Secondly, guys don't hug...often...except after a few beers...and for one of a few limited reasons (i.e. the Leafs won the Stanley Cup).

Different-sized boobs require different types of hugs.  My big-boobed friends require the "lean-in" approach where I have to angle in, bending at the waist, over top the boobs, barely clearing them by a half-inch or so being careful not to bend too much or stand too far away as that would cause me to topple over into her boobs.

My small-boobed friends (ok, ok, they're not small, they're a handful and the perfect size) are a bit easier to deal with in that respect.  No leaning in.  No angles to calculate.  However, I do have to deal with the squeeze quotient.  The squeeze quotient is precisely how much I can squeeze during a hug and not cause boob pain or trauma.  I mean, I can feel them being compressed beneath me, so I know something's going on.  In one sense, you have infants sucking on your nipples harder than a man trying to suck up the last drop of a keg through a straw, and yet you spend all day adjusting your bra because your boobs hurt.  So how am I supposed to figure out what the squeeze quotient is?  I need some guidance, dammit. 

It's not really the sort of thing I can ask for feedback on right after a hug:  "How was that for you?  Your boobs ok?  Here, let me fluff them up, they still look a bit flat.  That better?"  I'm just thankful guys don't have to deal with that...unless we were hugging a woman...and they offered to fluff.

Random Thoughts for Autumn

Ahhhh...Autumn is finally here with the leaves changing colours faster than the bruise I got on my knee after falling down the stairs.  So as the leaves fall and the cold weather sets in with a blustery breeze and the geese honking overhead, I leave you with these warm, hearty random thoughts to cozy up to and think of the renewal of spring.

...damn, I should be writing Hallmark cards.

• In modern courts, things are no longer on the record.  They're on CD.
• Girls get pinkeye.  Boys get blue-eye.
• Rich fish hire mermaids and merbutlers.
• I've invented a microwave uterus.  Now you have your baby in 6 months instead of 9.
• I'm so embarrassed.  I was mixing my metaphors and I'll be damned if I forgot to add yeast.  Now my metaphors won't rise to the occasion.
• How can you tell when blue cheese has gone bad?
• I don't use a ruler to measure.  I use foot-long hotdogs.  How tall am I?  Almost 6 hotdogs. 
• Have you noticed how your deodorant eventually takes on the shape of your underarm?  I think that's very useful to help a coroner identify the body.
• For all those who can't make a decision:  May the fence you're sitting on have barbed wire at the top.
• So I'm going around in circles spinning my wheels.  I'm probably spinning my wheels because they ARE circles.  If they were squares there'd be none of this spinny-circle business
• I think there should be a law that states whatever button you push in an elevator, you must get off on that floor.
• Evergreens aren't against wearing fur in the winter.

Left-over Randomness

I finished up "Up and Down" the other day and I had a few left-over thoughts.  After much debate amongst me and my other personalities, we've decided to share them.

• Yesterday when I was writing, my creative juices got flowing and I forgot to put on a creative condom.  I think I got another blog pregnant.
• Smile.  It makes people wonder what you're thinking.  Or perhaps rather than smiling, just open your damn mouth and tell them.  Much easier that way.
• I don't question reality, I interrogate it.  Tie it up, throw it out of a moving car -- that sort of thing.   
• What are exclamation points pointing to?
• Sweepstakes neither contain sweeping, nor stakes.  Just sayin'...
• I take enough acid trips to get frequent flier mileage
• To me being classy means you say "Excuse me" after you fart loudly in a crowded room
• Interesting:  They make light beer, but not light rum.  That's too bad.  It'd be perfect to put in your diet coke.
• Your best bet...is not to bet.
• Anyone find it ironic that you go see an eye doctor?
• Finally, after a stressful few months, the clock started to unwind
• Don't ever look up to someone who looks down on you
• Hey!  That cloud is shaped like Elvis!  I guess he's not dead after all.
• When flocks of geese hook up, they fly in w's across the sky

Up and Down

It's amazing how a single word can change the entire meaning of a phrase or sentence.  English is one of the weirdest languages, hands down.  All those who agree, hands up!

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work? 

But hey, while you're raising your hand, lay back, feet up and enjoy -- live it up!  But not too much.  If you do something stupid, you'll never live it down.  And if you do it again, I will put my foot down and put a stop to it.

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work? 

If you're laying down, there's no way you can do a layup.  So, I want you to sit up, get up and get down to the music and then you can sit down once again.  Just remember to sit up -- don't slouch.

It's time to head out.  The big showdown is tonight and I have to show up.  It's a stand-up comedian looking to stand down after many years in the business.  It'll be a stare down with the crowd.

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work?

Shut up!  Say that one more time and I'll shut down.

I'm outta here.

Who let the dogs out?

I don't know what possessed me but I actually have tickets to go see the Cesar Millan Show when it hits Toronto in October.

For those of you who aren't familiar, Cesar Millan, aka The Dog Whispererererer, goes around training supposedly untrainable dogs in 10 minutes.

It got me thinking, what exactly will his "concert" be like. Hmmmm....

Top 10 things you won't see at the Cesar Millan Live Show

10. Weezer as the opening act

9. 15 minutes after the show is supposed to begin, still waiting for him to come out: "Ce-sar! Ce-sar! Ce-sar!"

8. The guy next to you getting kicked out for smoking a joint

7. "Those were the best pyro-technics I've ever seen!"

6. Cesar starting the encore screaming "One! More! Dog!"

5. Special guest duet with Elton John. Ok, actually I can see that one happening

4. Two words: Backup dancers

3. Body slamming in the mosh pit

2. A mosh pit

1. Cesar coming out of the closet.

Labour Day Randomness

Granted, it's not Labour Day yet, but I'll post it early.  To all pregnant women out there who are about to have babies, I dedicate this Labour Day to you...

• I'm not trying to get into her pants.  I'm trying to get into her underwear.  Way more exciting.
• What the hell are All Dressed chips?  It's dressed with...all?  All what?  Can we be a bit more specific?
• I was on a mood swing yesterday.  Today I'm on a mood slide and tomorrow I'll play on the mood monkey bars.
• I'd like to make a hat totally out of my hair.  That way I could wear it and no one would notice.
• When elephants need to dry their clothes, they hang them on their tusks -- better for the environment.
• Organizing my thoughts is like organizing my sock drawer.  Some are strewn all over the floor and half are missing entirely.
• What's with calling people 'muffin'?  If I wanted to be referred to as a fatty snack, at least go all out and call me 'doughnut'.
• Can we finally cook the beans?  How much longer do they have to stay cool?
• Want to have fun?  Knock on a stranger's door and when they ask "Who is it?" do an actual knock-knock joke.
• If I was trapped on a desert island, the one thing I'd want to have with me?  A phone so I can call someone to get me the fuck out of there.  What's with wanting CDs or food or movies.  Geez, let me just make my call and someone will pick me up.
• I used to be a night owl until I realized being a night bat was way cooler.
• Two scary things:  1)  Q-tips have instructions; 2)  People who read those instructions
• Annoying:  After your baby is born, the doctor makes the baby cry.  But then it's up to you to make the baby stop crying.

P.S.  A friend of mine is on Twitter.  Take a look and follow her and her own random thoughts! 

http://www.twitter.com/Rapacchietta

We're trying!

I've always been amused by language and the idiosyncrasies associated with them.  If you read through my various blog posts I like to point out the inane, the insane and the downright weird things we do and say.

One of the things that's always caught my attention is the notion of trying to get pregnant.  No, no, not the actual act itself (which is fun and should be practiced frequently), but how it's communicated and the fact that it's communicated at all.

I find it absolutely amazing that someone will tell their parents (or perhaps friends) that they're trying to start a family.  Think about it!  Think about what they're really saying.

"Mom.  Dad.  Now that that we've been married for about a year, we've decided to try and start a family."

...translates into...

"Mom.  Dad.  We've been fucking on and off for the past year, but Suzie's been on the pill.  Suzie is off the pill now and we're gonna start fucking like rabbits until she pops one out."

It's even worse when it's the guy telling his in-laws:  "I just wanted to tell you I've started fucking your daughter pretty much every day now.  I'm trying to knock her up.  Just thought I'd share."

Why on earth do we tell people we're "trying?"  We don't do it in other instances.  "Mom.  Dad.  Jason and I have been going out for a couple of weeks now and we've decided while we're dating we're going to fuck daily.  I just thought I'd share."

We don't announce things going the other way, do we?  "We're holding off on fucking for the next year on the account that Cindy is going back to school, so there'll be very little time to fuck.  Oh sure, we'll fuck infrequently, but any kid will be an accident."

Once someone is pregnant, it's such a joyous occasion, but it's still weird for me to hear:  "I have some news.  Elizabeth and I were fucking last month and it worked!  I knocked her up!  I'm a bit sad because we won't be fucking for 9 months, though.  What the hell was I thinking?"

So in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate all my pregnant friends.  I wish you all the best, and happy fucking!

Random thoughts for the summer

Wow!  Where has the summer gone?  Oh there it is!  It's in my house where it's been at least 26C (78F) on a daily basis.  Someone needs a new A/C unit, I think.

• Just invented:  an office work-station where the walls are made up of 6 random colours that people will try to re-arrange into pretty designs.  It's called the Rubik's Cubicle.
• I like when it rains cats and dogs because it gives me a chance to see which bounces higher when it hits the ground.
• One day, 30 years from now, the President of the United States will email the Russian Premier and it will include the phrases:  "Wtf", "Lol", include winky faces and conclude with "I'll ttyl".  Does that scare anyone else?
• I can't draw so I became an amateur photographer to take pictures of the pre-drawn. 
• The JetBlue flight attendant that got so fed up over his job and passengers that he cursed over the intercom and then deployed the emergency chute and left the plane was actually arrested in the airport, not at his home.  He tried to go home, but he got stuck waiting 30 minutes for his luggage to come out.
• I don't get YouTube.  People bitch about how their tv has 200 channels of crap and there's nothing to watch.  So you flock to youtube that has 2 million channels of crap?
• There's something about real life that seems so fake.
• What we need is an umbrella that will totally protect you from the rain, even if it's really windy and the rain is blowing sideways.  Oh wait, that's called a raincoat.
• Some people never change...like dead people.  They rarely change.
• Are fish ever thirsty?
• Does anyone say dangnapit anymore? Did anyone say it in the first place?
• Whenever I get sick I put benedryl in my humidifier
• Washcloth: now there's a name that's literal. Wouldn't it be neat if toilet paper was called Ass Wipes? Butthole cleaner?
• Modern camels store their food in refrigerated humps
• What do roses give each other for Valentines Day?
• Is it me or does it seem like square pizzas are just wrong?
• A wedge is a 3-D version of a slice.
• Why is it when someone brings a dog onto public transit people stare at the thing like they've been violated? Like how dare that person bring that filthy thing on here?! At least the dog isn't leaving a newspaper, half a sandwich and potato chip crumbs all over their seat.
• I don't believe in making out in public. Groping, on the other hand...
• Anyone else find it weird that waterparks are called "Wet N Wild?"
• Stop with these rationalizations people make about their height or weight. Its useless, counter-productive, politically correct bullshit and I can't stand it.  You are what you are and stop changing it into something you're not.
  
  "I'm not short, I'm fun-sized." No. You're short. That's why you need a stool to reach things on the top shelf. If you're fun you won't use a stool, you'll use a rope.
  
  "There's just more of me to love." Well then get your ample, lovable ass off the couch and go for a walk, ok? If you have to catch your breath after taking the escalator, there's too much of you to love.
  
  "Good things come in small packages." Yeah right. And you're the one that cracks 'small dick' jokes so let's find another way to boost your self-esteem ok?


"I'm just big boned." No, a T-Rex is big boned. You just scarfed 5 pieces of pizza. I'm think that might be the cause of your bones being big.

May's Thoughts

Ok, ok, so I'm getting lazy and not posting as often as I used to -- and that wasn't much to begin with. I'll try to do better, I promise. Ok, promise is too strong of a word. Let's go with I might.

• Everytime someone is goofy, they have to pay Disney royalties?


• Where's my alley? I keep hearing there are things up it. I checked Google Maps. Can't find it anywhere.


• A playoff team can go 16-12 -- barely over .500 -- and still win the championship.


• Three most dangerous times while on a plane: 3 minutes after take-off; 8 minutes to the landing; being served dinner


• Due to environmental considerations, the light at the end of the tunnel has now been changed to a flourescent bulb


• The frightened tree was rooted to the spot.


• Differences between men and women: women have bigger boobs and are missing something that a guy has. Men *are* boobs and miss everything.


• Why can't we all just be happy... and know it...and clap our hands.


• At face value it was worth an arm and a leg.