Monday, November 9, 2009
0-2 months: Your baby will eat, sleep, cry, and shit -- in any random order. You will know your baby is advancing because sometimes your baby will combine two or even three of those items at the same time. Your baby can't see more than a couple feet in front of her, so screw that elaborate artwork and mobiles you have planned. She ain't gonna care. But you'll do it anyway and decorate the room in some gaudy looking striped pattern with big-eyed animals that would give most adults nightmares.
3-4 months: Holy shit! All of the sudden your baby can smile! You suddenly become a stand-up comic extraordinaire. You will spend all your waking moments doing anything -- anything! -- to make your baby smile. And, for whatever reason, just about anything will. This is also about the time where their sight will improve and can see a fair distance away. This is characterized by the shocked look on their faces when they see how horribly their room is decorated.
5-6 months: Now toys start to come into play as they start to interact with the world around them. The most important rule from the child's point of view is the toy should make noise, move and be loud. From a parent's point of view, the most important rule is the toy should not make noise, move, or be loud. Your baby may also begin attempting to crawl, sit or roll-over. This is important because from now on, wherever you leave them, you may not necessarily find them there when you return. This wasn't the case before. In order to protect the baby and ensure you're aware of their movements, it's best to attach a small bell around their arm.
7-8 months: Your child is likely crawling a fair bit now, or attempting to. A bell won't suffice anymore. Best to go with a leash. Additionally, your baby's personality is really starting to shine through and you'll see how they're watching you closely, absorbing everything you do and perhaps even try to mimic it. For example, if you notice your baby refusing a bottle unless it comes with a twist-off cap and a squeeze of lime, you know it's time to cut down on the parties. Toys need to get more sophisticated at this point as well. A netbook should do -- nothing too fancy, but your kid deserves at least 1 gig of RAM, doesn't she?
9-10 months: Your baby is on solid foods now and you'll definitely notice a change in their demeanor, their activity level, and the smell of their shit. You thought it smelled bad before? Wait until they digest a totally new food for the first time! Even skunks in the neighbourhood are avoiding your house. But it's an exciting time too. Your child likely has more teeth than grandma now, and probably a better memory too.
11-12 months: Wow, where did the year go? It went by so fast as far as you're concerned, but that's probably because you're in such a sleep-deprived stupor, you don't remember most of it. Because of this, your mother-in-law will likely remind you a few times of when you told her to fuck off two months ago -- just in case you forgot. Your baby is probably creeping along furniture and maybe even taking a step or two. In fact, your baby walking reminds you of how you walk when you're drunk. Scarily enough, when your baby talks, she also reminds you of how you talk when you're drunk.
With the first year behind you, you're excited for what lays beyond: Toys that keep playing even after the child left the room 10 minutes ago; expensive baby foods that are just pureed versions of what you're having for dinner; toys that cost $50 and last for 50 minutes before they're broken; but most importantly, a child that will look at you and smile and say "I love you"...and then look at the lamp and say "I love you."
Thursday, October 29, 2009
- A cool invention would be creating lemons that have a tequila-filled centre.
- Is it me or does every German-speaking man sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
- You know those free newspapers you get in the subway and bus? I picked one up the other day. It's ridiculous. It's like looking at a print version of Twitter. News condensed down to 140 characters or less -- just what we need.
- I tried catching some Z's, but instead I caught some sideways N's.
- I love when you see someone winking at someone else in the hopes of picking them up. That's like saying: "Hey, babe. Look at me. I know how to control my eyelids."
- Why does a room always look like a tornado or hurricane hit it? Why not any other sort of weather event? "Johnny! Look at your room! It looks like light showers with a southwesterly wind and a high of 10C hit it!"
- I am so out of shape. I'm out of breath half the time. I remember when I used to be...in breath.
Monday, October 19, 2009
As we're in the midst of autumn, I get to enjoy watching the leaves change colour, fall to the ground and die, leaving me having to spend countless hours sweeping and cleaning and bagging the leaves. Man, I love autumn!
- I was hunting for the meaning of life when I finally found it! It was right there in the dictionary under "L"
- You know you're stressed when your antacid gives you heartburn
- Call me paranoid, but don't you get the impression that all those chinese restaurants with the signs in chinese say things like: "Don't come in here. We serve crap. This is for tourists and white people."
- What's the idea behind a secret admirer? They're secret. You have no idea who they are. How do you know you have one then? Hell, I've got a good two dozen secret admirers out there. Yup. Yes I do.
- I used to dance to Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice. Yes, shoot me now. Put me out of my misery.
- I've been to a Neil Diamond concert. Hey, I told you to shoot me.
- You can't be a real doctor unless you've said to at least one patient: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed."
- I went job hunting once. Stood in a tree for hours. Camouflage vest, rifle -- the whole thing. Didn't spot one single job.
- So now there's this "Balloon Boy" incident where a man claimed his 6 year old was in this hot-air balloon, yet when it landed he wasn't there and instead was found at home. Geez, doesn't David Copperfield do that as a part of his act daily?
- Who decided that relish belongs in a squeeze bottle? Hey, what a good idea! Let's take something that's full of chunks and put it in a bottle you have to squeeze to get the chunks out! Has anyone NOT made a mess when using a squeeze bottle of relish?
Friday, September 25, 2009
- That's unfathomable! Not only that, it's in a depth of water that cannot be measured using fathoms!
- I don't mind paying an arm and a leg, but it only means I can buy two things.
- United we stand. Toilets we sit.
- I tried a change of fate. It was too difficult. So I just went with a change of underwear.
- What is it with everything being just around the corner? Autumn is just around the corner. An election is just around the corner. You know what, I've been around the corner and still haven't found anything. I've been around so many corners, I've been around the block. In fact, what is it with having been around the block? "Talk to Jeff. He's been around the block once or twice." Well damn right I have. I keep looking for things around the corner!
- I'm the complete package! Hell, I even come in brown wrapping paper and a stamp.
- I've figured out the source of the high blood pressure epidemic being experienced in the US. Here's the deal: George Bush was president for 8 years. Everytime words came out of his mouth, we were told to take it with a grain of salt. That amount of salt adds up!
Friday, September 18, 2009
I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.
- I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
- Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
- Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
- Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
- Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
- When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
- People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
- I have this whole, lengthy essay I want to write about using "Just because" as an answer. But I've decided against it. Why? Just because.
- I wonder if dogs are totally in awe of our bathrooms. "All I know is humans keep going into this room and marking their territory in this one spot over and over -- like 2 or 3 times a day! Boy, that must be an important spot!"
- If you live every day like it's your last, you'll never have the pleasure of experiencing any firsts.
- Great people wonder. Simple people wander.
- Sea lions gather in groups in Sea Africa. They are known to chase after sea antelopes but the must always be weary of their arch-nemisis, the sea elephant.
- This morning I washed my face, put on after-shave (have to smell good), then a skin moisterizer (can't have dry skin), then my suntan lotion (gotta watch those UV rays), then my bug repellant (never a good time to catch West Nile). Luckily, I remembered to wash my face first. Wouldn't want it to be dirty...
- If it's against your better judgement, by definition, doesn't that mean you have poor judgement? In which case, you're not going against anything...
Monday, August 17, 2009
A few thoughts about real news stories and headlines....
- It was just announced that 85% of Canadian banknotes had traces of cocaine on them. The press release indicated that researchers..."worked night and day to study each note and rarely slept, if ever. They've also asked that people stop staring at them."
- A hacker in the U.S. is being charged with stealing 130 million credit card numbers from various retailers. If found guilty, he can spend up to 20 years in jail and fined up to $500,000. I wonder how he'll pay for the fine. Hmmmm....
- Some researchers recently have suggested that perhaps strep throat killed Mozart: "By looking at the patterns of death during Mozart's time and combining them with the signs and symptoms of his final disease, we have not one but two pillars on which our theory is built." How about pillar 1 is: he's been dead for 200 years and we don't care. And pillar 2 can be: See pillar 1.
- Reader's Digest is filing for bankruptcy. The filing, sent to New York's Supreme Court came in the form of a recipe.
- Osama Bin Laden's driver came forward and spoke to a newspaper for the first time after being released from Guantanamo Bay. His first comment: "He's a nice guy, but a total asshole when it came to tips. I mean the man never gave me a Christmas bonus. What's up with that?"
- Our Prime Minister watched some of our military conduct exercises in the Arctic today. The exercises consisted of men and women in military fatigues shivering furiously muttering under their breath about it being damn cold.
The thoughts I receive deceive my own.
The dreams are fancy and speak of hope
With wrought-iron future and bound with rope.
Too meek to speak to the one of truth
Seek stamps of approval to provide the proof.
With needs comes wants and wants come bare
Without the prejudice to need to be fair.
Act and want and thought and condone
If I didn't know what I should have known.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Also, as I always do, I didn't enjoy my flights too much. I experienced new things, yet again, while flying and I figured it would be important to share it with the general public. Since the general public doesn't read my blog, I'll share it with you instead...and stop staring at me like that.
I did have a couple of issues on the first flight. The Toronto-to-Cleveland leg was a small plane that held only 50 people. As I sat in the terminal looking out the window, I noticed the pilot pointing to one of the tires beneath the plane. Shortly thereafter a mechanic came out and changed the tire. That didn't bother me so much as it made me wonder exactly how they jacked-up the plane to change the tire in the first place. You can't just use a tire iron on that thing, you know.
As it turns out, only 12 people were on the flight. I sat in my assigned seat to find myself jammed up against a wall in front of me with no place to put my carry-on.
The stewardess noticing this announced I could sit anywhere I wanted on the plane since there was so much room. As I got up and turned towards the back of the plane, I noticed everyone else was already seated and now watching me strategically pick out what seat would suit my needs. I sat down again only to discover once again, I had no place to put my carry-on luggage.
"Try another seat, sir," the attendant growled at me.
Ever been in a situation where all eyes are focused on you while you look like an idiot? Yeah, I was having one of those moments.
My third attempt at finding a seat was successful and other than the smattering of applause, I also realized that I had solely and personally delayed the flight an extra 5 minutes. I fully expected to find myself thrown out the door midway through the flight, but somehow I managed to survive the 30 minute flight.
Is there a glove compartment in the cockpit? There are probably maps in it, just like in a car. "Hmmmmm..." *unfolds map* "Ok, I think we missed turning left by that mountain back there, but if we fly over this big dot labelled Detroit, we should be fine."
Actually, to be honest, overall, the flights to Miami were just fine -- I had a layover in Cleveland. The pilot was apologetic halfway through the Cleveland-to-Miami leg, apologizing for the "rough ride" we were getting. Oddly enough, the seat belt sign was off, and I could barely tell the plane was bouncing. Perhaps the co-pilot was playing a joke on the captain by kicking his seat on occasion.
Pilot: "Damn, this plane's being knocked around."
Co-pilot: "Sure is!" *Kick*
Pilot: "There it is again. The people in the back must be going nuts."
I'd love to see a plane that comes with a manual shift gearbox. That'd be really cool. 12 gears. 0 - 500 km/h in 20 seconds. But I hear the clutch is a real bitch.
The final leg back was rather interesting in its own right. After leaving late by 30 minutes we made up time in the air (once again, how exactly do they do that?!) and landed only 5 minutes late.
I looked out the window and noticed about 10 planes that seemed to be lined up on a jetway in the distance. I figured these were planes in line to take off. I then looked out another window and noticed planes literally scattered on various jetways like someone shouted: "It's 5pm! Time to go home!"
As it turned out, there was a bad storm backing up planes to the point where I was on the tarmac for 90 minutes! (Note, the flight itself was 120 minutes *grumble* *grumble*.)
Given that this was Toronto, I got to experience some Toronto driving, even while in a plane. At one point, the pilot came on to tell us that there might be a shorter line to the gate and then proceeded to pull a U-turn on the jetway. Yes, apparently plans can make U-turns. And no, I don't think he signalled first.
Regardless, I'm home safe and sound -- whatever being "sound" means. No further blogs about planes...until next year.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
- I'm never using that therapist again.. All he did was stand in the corner and didn't say a word. That's the last time I use an anti-social worker.
- Ever order 'extra cheese' on a pizza? How the hell do you know if they've fulfilled the order. I mean if you order double mushrooms, you can see the mushrooms. With cheese? Who the hell knows. And how can you tell the difference between extra cheese and double cheese. Nice scam they have going, eh?
- Actual conversation between husband and wife:
Wife: "I think we have to cut back on our spending. I'm noticing, for example, you're spending a good $25 a week on beer. There's no need for that."
Husband: "Fine. Well hey, I noticed you're spending $65 on makeup. That sounds expensive. You should cut back on that!"
Wife: "I can't. I use that to make myself look all pretty for you, honey."
Husband: "That's what the beer is for."
- What's with the notion of a fishing license. A license to fish? How does that work? Are we concerned about unlicensed fisherman running rampant in our cities and cottage areas? Yes, yes, the money is used to help maintain the environment. But it's a cash grab. An excuse that's supposed to help "control" how and when you fish. You don't need a license for that, just enforcement. If someone's overfishing, I don't care if they have a license or not. If someone's not properly returning certain fish that they catch, is that license meaningful? Of course not.
Do you need a learner's permit first? "For the first year, you can only fish if you're sober; not at night; not in major lakes; and you must be accompanied by a fully licensed fisherman. Oh! And you can only use worms."
From a caught fish: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a valid license before you club me over the head and fry me."
The police screech to a stop at a cottage: "You! With the fishing pole! Drop the pole and worms slowly and take two steps back! How old are you young man? Are you aware you're fishing without a license? Do you even know how to this hook attached to this string and reel? I mean look at how you're using your floater and sinker at the same time on your line. Obviously you have no idea what to do. You're under arrest for operating a fishing pole without a license."
Stop with the license crap. Charge anyone who owns a cottage a flat-rate $20 annual fee in their property taxes for maintaining the lakes. Hell, charge everyone a flat-rate tax when they buy or rent a fishing pole; buy worms; stay at a hotel near a lake. Enough with the license crap.
Monday, July 13, 2009
- I used my night table during the day. My end tables heard about it and moved to the middle just to piss me off.
- As reported in the news: A recent study showed that swearing is good for you. In an interview with reporters, researchers commented on the report: "Fuck you."
- I've decided to become a door-to-door buyer. I'm going to go from door-to-door and ask people if I can buy their encyclopedias.
- The White House today announced Obama is going to hold a press conference about how he likes to have press conferences. Has this guy actually been in the White House yet? He's on the road more often than a retired couple with an RV.
- Understatement of the year. As reported in the Toronto Star about a man who partly severed his foot after tumbling into the well of a moving train car. The cop is quoted as saying: "Trespassing, leading to adventure, leading to ouch!" Really, eh? You think as his foot was being cut off, the guy was saying "ouch?" My comment? See the bullet point above regarding swearing.
- Dog collars and shirt collars look nothing alike...and dog collars seem more comfy for some reason. No tie required.
I only listen to music made before 1996. Basically, anything after Ace is Base is off my playlist. I gave up after that. But here are a couple of musical thoughts:
- Can Guns 'N' Roses re-make November Rain so it's only the last 2 minutes?
- Let me know when Alanis Morisette stops being angry.
- Meatloaf: Every song does not have to be 10 minutes long. Learn to summarize.
- Today's dance songs: Take a back beat. Add a single random word. Repeat as desire.
- Will someone on G-d's green earth tell me how MC Hammer ended up with his own show? I'm still waiting for someone to scream "April Fools!"
Monday, July 6, 2009
- I think tightrope walkers should have trampolines beneath them. If they fall, they'll damn well bounce right back up there and continue with their act.
- Have you ever taken your umbrella with you somewhere because you heard it was going to rain later, only to walk outside later to find it bright and sunny without a cloud in sight? Everyone's in t-shirts, shorts, hats, sunglasses, and you're the idiot with the umbrella and coat. This is why I hate weathermen.
- Twins are so lucky. If they're dressed right, they never need to use a mirror.
- I love how an "Out of Order" sign taped on a urinal tends to be covered in urine.
- Who do you call if a collection agency refuses to pay their bills?
- There's something mysterious about white Freezies
- Why XXX for porn? What happened to the first two X's? Well wait, there's X-Rays. So that's where the first X went. Hmmmm, not sure about the second X -- I'll have to look that one up.
- Elevators take a lot of commitment. Ever hit the button to go to the wrong floor and there are other people in the elevator? What do you do? You get off at that floor. I pushed 6, so dammit, I'm getting off on the 6th floor. I wonder what's on the 6th floor. Maybe this'll be my lucky day. Maybe they hand out free cheques to people on the 6th floor.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The odds of dying in a plane are miniscule compared to dying in a car
...and the odds of me winning the bronze medal for figure skating in the 2010 olympics is also miniscule, but yet, someone still wins the bronze medal, don't they?
Planes rarely breakdown
Car: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. I'll have to pull off to the side of the road."
Plane: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. We'll have to crash in that field. I hope we don't hit a goat."
Planes have strict maintenance controls
I have been on planes where:
- Tape was used to cover a hole in the wing
- An aborted take-off due to the luggage compartment door popping open
- A part was taken out of the cockpit because it wasn't working. While waiting for a new part to arrive, the co-pilot put the broken part back in and it started working again, to which the pilot said: "Hey how'd you do that? Well let's get out of here before it stops working again."
Airlines are reliable
Car: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit, it's in the trunk of the car with my other luggage.
Plane: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit it's with my other luggage on its way to Japan.
You never know what cars around you will do -- you can't be totally safe
Well look at that. Just today it was reported by CNN how a "student" air traffic controller (they have those?!) almost caused two accidents at an airport.
To quote from the article: "This particular trainee had a total of 11 hours of training in the entire month of June. That's less then an hour a day," said Bob Kerr of the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. "He's brand new; he's going to make mistakes."
Ok, a couple of issues:
- Why is someone -- anyone -- with 11 hours of training being allowed to control planes? To put this in perspective, he's had 11 hours more training than me, and I have none.
- Secondly, I have a wee bit of an issue with the word "mistakes". A mistake is not having enough packs of those peanuts to go around. A mistake is -- oops! -- allowing on a bag that won't fit in the overhead bin. I don't think almost having two planes collide is considered a mistake.
So overall, I have a few issues with planes and flying. Yet, I shall continue to risk life and limb and head out on vacation in a few weeks. Knowing my luck, I'll be sitting in the plane watching as they replace one of the plane's tires with that emergency spare you get in cars... "Yeah, this tire will be fine, but don't go too fast with it, eh?"
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Ok, is there anyone in US politics who has NOT had an affair at this point? Now the South Carolina govenor had an affair. Who's left? Put down your hand, Mr. Clinton, I don't really care what your lawyers say...
A man was sentenced to only 10 years in prison after randomly murdering a complete stranger on the subway. According to the Toronto Star, the defence lawyer, "...called for a seven-year sentence, less pre-trial custody. She argued that her client has no criminal record, has a good work history..." I guess the judge bought the rationale that if you work hard and kill someone just once -- hey, you gotta give a man a break, right? I mean it's just one person. Fuck, shoot me now. No wait, nevermind.
So Jon and Kate (of "Plus 8" fame) are divorcing and suddenly there are all these so-called parenting experts coming forward to say they're concerned for the kids. NOW they're concerned for the kids? I guess being surrounded by camera crews on a daily basis taping their every move isn't an issue? No, no, the camera crews stay. The false life they lead being taken from "special event" to "special event" in the name of television drama is perfectly fine. What's that? The parents are divorcing? Holy shit, let's be careful -- wouldn't want to fuck them up now, would we.
I say we send them all to Judge Judy.
She'd probably tell Jon: "Oh so now you have a backbone? How about having a backbone 10 years ago and saying 'I don't' instead of 'I do' at your wedding?"
She'd tell Kate: "Get this through your head. You are a MOM. If you want to be a Hollywood Princess, pack your bags and move."
Then she'd send all the kids to live with Sharon and Ozzy.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Well apparently I'm back to updating my blog monthly. That's not so great. I had hoped to twice-a-week random thoughts, but I'm finding I'm either out of randomness...or out of thoughts.
- I read in the news, they've created monkeys that glow green. That's perfect because that'll solve the global issue of losing monkeys in the dark. :
- Be yourself...or that dude over there -- he looks kind of cool.
- Never judge a book by the cover...the front cover, at least. The back cover usually has some good information, though; some quotes; a synopsis of the book; etc. Hmmm, so ok, you can judge a book by the back cover.
- Shadows get dates all the time. They're all tall and dark.
- I'm a bit scared of these bandwagons I keep hearing about. People have to jump onto them, or even worse, they fall off. Exactly how fast are these bandwagons moving? How tall are they? Can we slow them down a bit? People are getting hurt.
- It's important to think that it's important to think.
- It's amazing that we've written a whole song about the theft of some cookies from a jar. Did they ever catch the kid who did it?
- It's special when an infant reaches the age where they begin to smile. Suddenly, the parents turn into standup comics trying to make their kid smile. They'll try anything to ellicit just one more smile. It's funny to watch. "Quick, Martha, try the clown hat! Wait, wait, I have an idea! Ok, Johnny, two Jews go to a bar..."
- I'm just amazed how this "lake effect" weather works. "Today, it's a high of 30 C, feeling more like 40 C with the humidex. But if you're by the lake, it's -2 with light fluries..." Who the heck gave these lakes so much power?
- My radio is having a nervous breakdown. It claims it's hearing voices.
Friday, May 15, 2009
- Those warnings they have at the beginning of TV shows are starting to border on the ridiculousness. Why don't we just create one generic warning...
Warning: The content of this program is likely to offend someone some of the time. If you are a human of average intelligence of any age, you shouldn't watch this program some of the time.
- Life is short -- maybe 5' 4" at most.
- All referees seem to wear those black-and-white striped jerseys, almost like a zebra. Is the uniform to help confuse predators because they'll blend into the shadows?
- Clicks run clockwise -- coincidence?
- Do people who live in Dawson's Creek walk around humming that theme song all day?
- When alphaghetti was being tested, it was called beta-ghetti?
- How much longer can GM last? You know a company is in trouble when they have to guarantee their warranty.
- Technically, you cannot run like the wind. You can only blow like the wind.
- One day I'm going to be rich and rule the world. At the rate things are going with the economy, I'll only need a few thousand dollars.
- I'm a cool guy trapped in a nerd's body...and clothing...and glasses...and pocket protector...and...
- ...for some strange reason, he got in the car. And let that be a lesson to you. Never get in the car with a strange reason. Only if you know the reason should you get in.
Friday, April 3, 2009
- Remember, at one time, King Kong was just a Prince.
- The sky has fallen and it can't get up!
- I have about 50,000 brownie points. Where do I go to cash them in?
- Lego people throw block parties.
- There are no silly questions. Only silly question marks.
- Awkward is my middle name. My first name is Very.
- Dizziness is just your brains way of saying circles aren't cool.
- When you think about it, most people who say they like to have a cup of coffee in the morning tend to be holding one of those super, jumbo-sized coffees in their hand. I have news for you, that's a bit more than a cup.
- Hmmmm, I'm going to take these crushed bits of ice and add food colouring to it. Then I'll call it a Slurpee -- brilliant!
- Bad name for a novel: The End Sucks
- Change takes time. Parking meters take change. Therefore parking takes time.
- Have you ever had a dream where you're asking people if they've ever had a dream about asking people about having a dream where...Yeah, happened to me once too.
- What exactly is a preview? How do you view something before you view something? "Let's view this movie." ..."Let's preview this movie." What's the difference?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
- Love is blind. So are bats.
- Michael Jackson announced he's making a "comeback." This, of course, will be exciting to the 50,000 fans who never thought he left. The rest of us will just laugh.
- Non-cowboys should not be allowed to say "Y'all." It bugs me to no end to watch a man wearing a suit and tie say "Hi y'all!" You know what? Go drive a herd of cattle somewhere, then you can say "Y'all"
- I find it interesting when people add a word in front of the word "love" to somehow describe "love" better. Looking for "real love". Looking for "true love". By definition, love is real and true. If it's not, it's not love.
- To me, the word unauthorized sounds like it's where someone authorized something, but then changed their mind. "I'd like to unauthorize this."
- I have a bit of dirt on my hands. I have a bit a time on my hands. Which one seems wrong to you?
- Why do people say they're going to "jump" into the shower. What's with all this jumping? It sounds very dangerous to me.
- By definition only outgoing people will tell you they're outgoing. Shy people won't say anything...because they're shy.
Monday, February 23, 2009
By now you're probably wondering: "Is this man insane?" or perhaps "Am I insane for reading his blog?" or at bare minimum, "What the hell is this insane man talking about?"
Well I refuse the first two questions (ok, yes I am, and yes, you probably are), but the answer to the third question is: I'm talking about when people are ready to pay at the cash register and it turns into a 10-minute fiasco trying to sort out how best to pay.
Now I realize everyone has this quest to rid themselves of any and all coins in their pockets. I also recognize the sheer joy and jubilation one receives when one is able to pay by exact change. I've experienced that myself...
Cashier: "That'll be $38.97" *A big grin appears on their face.*
Me: *Western-themed music plays as I reach for my wallet*
Cashier: *Her face goes from a grin to a frown*
Me: "Ha ha! I have a twenty, a ten, a 5, and look! A toonie, a loonie, and even..."
*We both gasp as I drop the change in her hand*
Me: "...97 cents..."
*The marching band and parade begins*
What drives me nuts, though, is where the person turns it into a game. A win. A matter of pride. They must "defeat" the cashier at all costs (pun intended) and ensure that they give that cashier the optimal amount of bills and coins.
That same $38.97 purchase took place not once but twice over the weekend. In both cases, I was next in line at the grocery store and when the total was given, the lady pulled out your wallet and I swear the theme from Mission Impossible started playing.
Bills started flying everywhere.
Billows of smoke poured from her ears as she tried to calculate what coins she had.
Let's see. It's $38.97, but I have $41.50. Is that good? Wait! What about $41.75. Maybe that extra quarter will do the trick! Wait! No, let me try $39.07. No, that won't work, it's only a single dime back, dammit! There's got to be a way to make this work!
In the meantime, my frozen dinner has defrosted, my bread's gone mouldy and I'm pretty sure Barack Obama's term as President ended 2 days earlier. She's trying to figure out how to get rid of all of her penny's and nickels, and the rest of us in line are forming a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks.
There should be a 30 second time limit on these sorts of exercises. I think that would do the trick.
Customer: Wait! Wait! I think I've got a nickel and a penny! One more penny! I've got to have it here somewh---
Cashier: *Buzzer* Awww, sorry, time's up. You'll have to give me $40 and deal with the change.
Customer: *Sobs* But, but, I just needed another second and---
Cashier: *Evil grin* Here's your change. Now get out of here before I give it to you in dimes.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wow! Where have I been for the past few months! Why am I asking you? I have no idea, but I'm rambling now (like that's unusual).
But I've been busy -- sleeping a lot. Working a lot. I've been wandering aimlessly, though sometimes I've been wandering aimed. I have a few thoughts that have been slowly forming in my mind.
I hope to resume blogging more actively in the next week or two, but I need time to "ramp up" -- whatever that means. It really has nothing to do with ramps...
- Yesterday I tried to tickle someone's fancy. I almost got arrested.
- I love it when people comment: "You look nothing like your picture." That's right. I'm rarely glossy and I'm not 5x7.
- What's with people wishing a "Happy New Years?" It's Happy New Year -- no plural. It's a new year, not a bunch of new years. One at a time, folks. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- I heard on the news the other day, researchers are trying to determine why "middle-aged" women have more stress and they're looking to interview women in their mid-40's. To save on some research time, they're stressed because you're calling women in their mid-40's "middle-aged!"
- So GM wants billions of dollars AND lay off 47,000 people. Precisely how badly managed is this company?
- If you dance like no one's watching, you're bound to step on a few toes.
- I've got great morals -- but I've got a bad memory.
- Pursuing happiness suggests that happiness is something to chase when in reality it's people who run from happiness.
- Sugar will make anything taste amazing...except for salt.