Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Foods I Wish Were Grown Conveniently

As I was writing the comment on "Natural Mashed Potatoes" from yesterday's post, I realized we're missing the boat when it comes to food. There's a whole bunch of "convenience crops" -- as I'd call them -- that would make crops and growing foods quicker, more convenient and easier. Why should we have to grow potatoes when you can grow mashed potatoes? Imagine a big field of mashed potatoes. Bring in a truck of gravy, some butter, and voila! Grab your shovel and a plate and you have your side dish. No processing required!

Screw genetically modified foods and crops -- this is the wave of the future. Given they're "convenience crops" they'll only be available at Convenience Stores...at an extreme markup, of course.

  • Tuna in oil: Hell, if the Exxon Valdez can dump oil into the ocean, when we're breeding tuna on those fish farms, splash some vegetable oil in there. Save us the time of having to do it later.
  • Chocolate milkshakes: Get our cows eating chocolate ice cream and vibrate vigourously. Remember to chill the results instantly to maintain flavour and freshness.
  • French fries: If we could grow these, those "pick-your-own" places would flourish
  • Apple pie: What's in an apple pie? Apples! If we're growing the apples, can't we just grow the topping around it too? Pick it right off the tree and heat.
  • Garden Salad: We're getting lazy here. We don't even have to do anything different to the plant. Grow all the vegetables within close proximity of one another. Get out the ol' weed-wacker and a bowl.
  • Pancakes: I don't care how you do it, but someone figure out how to grow these, please.
  • Breaded chicken: As they grow up, get them to roll around in the breading a bit. The breading would stick better if you used eggs too, but I think the chickens would find that to be a conflict of interest.
  • Scrambled eggs: Speaking of eggs, give them a few shakes and change the packaging.
  • Chocolate covered...anything: Melt the chocolate and re-purpose a crop duster to spray...well just about anything with chocolate.
  • The Spaghetti Tree: Sounds like a good idea, but someone else thought of it first. You can read more about it here: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/Hoaxipedia/Swiss_Spaghetti_Harvest/

No comments: