A Random Guide to Kids

I thought I'd put together a guide for new, or soon-to-be-new parents about their new baby. I offer this advice based on extensive research by watching baby cartoons.

0-2 months: Your baby will eat, sleep, cry, and shit -- in any random order. You will know your baby is advancing because sometimes your baby will combine two or even three of those items at the same time. Your baby can't see more than a couple feet in front of her, so screw that elaborate artwork and mobiles you have planned. She ain't gonna care. But you'll do it anyway and decorate the room in some gaudy looking striped pattern with big-eyed animals that would give most adults nightmares.

3-4 months: Holy shit! All of the sudden your baby can smile! You suddenly become a stand-up comic extraordinaire. You will spend all your waking moments doing anything -- anything! -- to make your baby smile. And, for whatever reason, just about anything will. This is also about the time where their sight will improve and can see a fair distance away. This is characterized by the shocked look on their faces when they see how horribly their room is decorated.

5-6 months: Now toys start to come into play as they start to interact with the world around them. The most important rule from the child's point of view is the toy should make noise, move and be loud. From a parent's point of view, the most important rule is the toy should not make noise, move, or be loud. Your baby may also begin attempting to crawl, sit or roll-over. This is important because from now on, wherever you leave them, you may not necessarily find them there when you return. This wasn't the case before. In order to protect the baby and ensure you're aware of their movements, it's best to attach a small bell around their arm.

7-8 months: Your child is likely crawling a fair bit now, or attempting to. A bell won't suffice anymore. Best to go with a leash. Additionally, your baby's personality is really starting to shine through and you'll see how they're watching you closely, absorbing everything you do and perhaps even try to mimic it. For example, if you notice your baby refusing a bottle unless it comes with a twist-off cap and a squeeze of lime, you know it's time to cut down on the parties. Toys need to get more sophisticated at this point as well. A netbook should do -- nothing too fancy, but your kid deserves at least 1 gig of RAM, doesn't she?

9-10 months: Your baby is on solid foods now and you'll definitely notice a change in their demeanor, their activity level, and the smell of their shit. You thought it smelled bad before? Wait until they digest a totally new food for the first time! Even skunks in the neighbourhood are avoiding your house. But it's an exciting time too. Your child likely has more teeth than grandma now, and probably a better memory too.

11-12 months: Wow, where did the year go? It went by so fast as far as you're concerned, but that's probably because you're in such a sleep-deprived stupor, you don't remember most of it. Because of this, your mother-in-law will likely remind you a few times of when you told her to fuck off two months ago -- just in case you forgot. Your baby is probably creeping along furniture and maybe even taking a step or two. In fact, your baby walking reminds you of how you walk when you're drunk. Scarily enough, when your baby talks, she also reminds you of how you talk when you're drunk.

With the first year behind you, you're excited for what lays beyond: Toys that keep playing even after the child left the room 10 minutes ago; expensive baby foods that are just pureed versions of what you're having for dinner; toys that cost $50 and last for 50 minutes before they're broken; but most importantly, a child that will look at you and smile and say "I love you"...and then look at the lamp and say "I love you."

Brief Thoughts

Just a few thoughts to tide you over while I work on other thoughts...

• A cool invention would be creating lemons that have a tequila-filled centre.
• Is it me or does every German-speaking man sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
• You know those free newspapers you get in the subway and bus? I picked one up the other day. It's ridiculous. It's like looking at a print version of Twitter. News condensed down to 140 characters or less -- just what we need.
• I tried catching some Z's, but instead I caught some sideways N's.
• I love when you see someone winking at someone else in the hopes of picking them up. That's like saying: "Hey, babe. Look at me. I know how to control my eyelids."
• Why does a room always look like a tornado or hurricane hit it? Why not any other sort of weather event? "Johnny! Look at your room! It looks like light showers with a southwesterly wind and a high of 10C hit it!"
• I am so out of shape. I'm out of breath half the time. I remember when I used to be...in breath.

More thoughts

As we're in the midst of autumn, I get to enjoy watching the leaves change colour, fall to the ground and die, leaving me having to spend countless hours sweeping and cleaning and bagging the leaves. Man, I love autumn!

• I was hunting for the meaning of life when I finally found it! It was right there in the dictionary under "L"
• You know you're stressed when your antacid gives you heartburn
• Call me paranoid, but don't you get the impression that all those chinese restaurants with the signs in chinese say things like: "Don't come in here. We serve crap. This is for tourists and white people."
• What's the idea behind a secret admirer? They're secret. You have no idea who they are. How do you know you have one then? Hell, I've got a good two dozen secret admirers out there. Yup. Yes I do.
• I used to dance to Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice. Yes, shoot me now. Put me out of my misery.
• I've been to a Neil Diamond concert. Hey, I told you to shoot me.
• You can't be a real doctor unless you've said to at least one patient: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed."
• I went job hunting once. Stood in a tree for hours. Camouflage vest, rifle -- the whole thing. Didn't spot one single job.
• So now there's this "Balloon Boy" incident where a man claimed his 6 year old was in this hot-air balloon, yet when it landed he wasn't there and instead was found at home. Geez, doesn't David Copperfield do that as a part of his act daily?
• Who decided that relish belongs in a squeeze bottle? Hey, what a good idea! Let's take something that's full of chunks and put it in a bottle you have to squeeze to get the chunks out! Has anyone NOT made a mess when using a squeeze bottle of relish?

Thoughts for Autumn

Do you say Autumn or Fall? While you ponder that, take a look at what I've been pondering for the past few days.

• That's unfathomable! Not only that, it's in a depth of water that cannot be measured using fathoms!
• I don't mind paying an arm and a leg, but it only means I can buy two things.
• United we stand. Toilets we sit.
• I tried a change of fate. It was too difficult. So I just went with a change of underwear.
• What is it with everything being just around the corner? Autumn is just around the corner. An election is just around the corner. You know what, I've been around the corner and still haven't found anything. I've been around so many corners, I've been around the block. In fact, what is it with having been around the block? "Talk to Jeff. He's been around the block once or twice." Well damn right I have. I keep looking for things around the corner!
• I'm the complete package! Hell, I even come in brown wrapping paper and a stamp.
• I've figured out the source of the high blood pressure epidemic being experienced in the US. Here's the deal: George Bush was president for 8 years. Everytime words came out of his mouth, we were told to take it with a grain of salt. That amount of salt adds up!

Found it!

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.

• I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
• Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
• Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
• Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
• Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
• When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
• People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.

Just Because

Well it's been a busy month. Since it's been a busy month, I haven't had time to blog, or to write in my blog, or whatever one does to a blog...

• I have this whole, lengthy essay I want to write about using "Just because" as an answer. But I've decided against it. Why? Just because.
• I wonder if dogs are totally in awe of our bathrooms. "All I know is humans keep going into this room and marking their territory in this one spot over and over -- like 2 or 3 times a day! Boy, that must be an important spot!"
• If you live every day like it's your last, you'll never have the pleasure of experiencing any firsts.
• Great people wonder. Simple people wander.
• Sea lions gather in groups in Sea Africa. They are known to chase after sea antelopes but the must always be weary of their arch-nemisis, the sea elephant.
• This morning I washed my face, put on after-shave (have to smell good), then a skin moisterizer (can't have dry skin), then my suntan lotion (gotta watch those UV rays), then my bug repellant (never a good time to catch West Nile). Luckily, I remembered to wash my face first. Wouldn't want it to be dirty...
• If it's against your better judgement, by definition, doesn't that mean you have poor judgement? In which case, you're not going against anything...

And in the news...

A few thoughts about real news stories and headlines....

• It was just announced that 85% of Canadian banknotes had traces of cocaine on them. The press release indicated that researchers..."worked night and day to study each note and rarely slept, if ever. They've also asked that people stop staring at them."


• A hacker in the U.S. is being charged with stealing 130 million credit card numbers from various retailers. If found guilty, he can spend up to 20 years in jail and fined up to $500,000. I wonder how he'll pay for the fine. Hmmmm....


• Some researchers recently have suggested that perhaps strep throat killed Mozart: "By looking at the patterns of death during Mozart's time and combining them with the signs and symptoms of his final disease, we have not one but two pillars on which our theory is built." How about pillar 1 is: he's been dead for 200 years and we don't care. And pillar 2 can be: See pillar 1.


• Reader's Digest is filing for bankruptcy. The filing, sent to New York's Supreme Court came in the form of a recipe.


• Osama Bin Laden's driver came forward and spoke to a newspaper for the first time after being released from Guantanamo Bay. His first comment: "He's a nice guy, but a total asshole when it came to tips. I mean the man never gave me a Christmas bonus. What's up with that?"


• Our Prime Minister watched some of our military conduct exercises in the Arctic today. The exercises consisted of men and women in military fatigues shivering furiously muttering under their breath about it being damn cold.

What I Should Have Known

If I didn't know what I should have known
The thoughts I receive deceive my own.

The dreams are fancy and speak of hope
With wrought-iron future and bound with rope.

Too meek to speak to the one of truth
Seek stamps of approval to provide the proof.

With needs comes wants and wants come bare
Without the prejudice to need to be fair.

Act and want and thought and condone
If I didn't know what I should have known.

Plane Thoughts

I safely returned from my vacation mid-last week. I had an enjoyable time. As I always do on vacation, I took plenty of pictures and spent plenty of time reading.

Also, as I always do, I didn't enjoy my flights too much. I experienced new things, yet again, while flying and I figured it would be important to share it with the general public. Since the general public doesn't read my blog, I'll share it with you instead...and stop staring at me like that.

I did have a couple of issues on the first flight. The Toronto-to-Cleveland leg was a small plane that held only 50 people. As I sat in the terminal looking out the window, I noticed the pilot pointing to one of the tires beneath the plane. Shortly thereafter a mechanic came out and changed the tire. That didn't bother me so much as it made me wonder exactly how they jacked-up the plane to change the tire in the first place. You can't just use a tire iron on that thing, you know.

As it turns out, only 12 people were on the flight. I sat in my assigned seat to find myself jammed up against a wall in front of me with no place to put my carry-on.

The stewardess noticing this announced I could sit anywhere I wanted on the plane since there was so much room. As I got up and turned towards the back of the plane, I noticed everyone else was already seated and now watching me strategically pick out what seat would suit my needs. I sat down again only to discover once again, I had no place to put my carry-on luggage.

"Try another seat, sir," the attendant growled at me.

Ever been in a situation where all eyes are focused on you while you look like an idiot? Yeah, I was having one of those moments.

My third attempt at finding a seat was successful and other than the smattering of applause, I also realized that I had solely and personally delayed the flight an extra 5 minutes. I fully expected to find myself thrown out the door midway through the flight, but somehow I managed to survive the 30 minute flight.

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Is there a glove compartment in the cockpit? There are probably maps in it, just like in a car. "Hmmmmm..." *unfolds map* "Ok, I think we missed turning left by that mountain back there, but if we fly over this big dot labelled Detroit, we should be fine."

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Actually, to be honest, overall, the flights to Miami were just fine -- I had a layover in Cleveland. The pilot was apologetic halfway through the Cleveland-to-Miami leg, apologizing for the "rough ride" we were getting. Oddly enough, the seat belt sign was off, and I could barely tell the plane was bouncing. Perhaps the co-pilot was playing a joke on the captain by kicking his seat on occasion.

*Kick*
Pilot: "Damn, this plane's being knocked around."
Co-pilot: "Sure is!" *Kick*
Pilot: "There it is again. The people in the back must be going nuts."

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I'd love to see a plane that comes with a manual shift gearbox. That'd be really cool. 12 gears. 0 - 500 km/h in 20 seconds. But I hear the clutch is a real bitch.

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The final leg back was rather interesting in its own right. After leaving late by 30 minutes we made up time in the air (once again, how exactly do they do that?!) and landed only 5 minutes late.

I looked out the window and noticed about 10 planes that seemed to be lined up on a jetway in the distance. I figured these were planes in line to take off. I then looked out another window and noticed planes literally scattered on various jetways like someone shouted: "It's 5pm! Time to go home!"

As it turned out, there was a bad storm backing up planes to the point where I was on the tarmac for 90 minutes! (Note, the flight itself was 120 minutes *grumble* *grumble*.)

Given that this was Toronto, I got to experience some Toronto driving, even while in a plane. At one point, the pilot came on to tell us that there might be a shorter line to the gate and then proceeded to pull a U-turn on the jetway. Yes, apparently plans can make U-turns. And no, I don't think he signalled first.

Regardless, I'm home safe and sound -- whatever being "sound" means. No further blogs about planes...until next year.

Pizza, Beer, and Fishing -- Random Thoughts for a Guy

A few more quick thoughts...

• I'm never using that therapist again.. All he did was stand in the corner and didn't say a word. That's the last time I use an anti-social worker.


• Ever order 'extra cheese' on a pizza? How the hell do you know if they've fulfilled the order. I mean if you order double mushrooms, you can see the mushrooms. With cheese? Who the hell knows. And how can you tell the difference between extra cheese and double cheese. Nice scam they have going, eh?


• Actual conversation between husband and wife:

Wife: "I think we have to cut back on our spending. I'm noticing, for example, you're spending a good $25 a week on beer. There's no need for that."

Husband: "Fine. Well hey, I noticed you're spending $65 on makeup. That sounds expensive. You should cut back on that!"

Wife: "I can't. I use that to make myself look all pretty for you, honey."

Husband: "That's what the beer is for."

• What's with the notion of a fishing license. A license to fish? How does that work? Are we concerned about unlicensed fisherman running rampant in our cities and cottage areas? Yes, yes, the money is used to help maintain the environment. But it's a cash grab. An excuse that's supposed to help "control" how and when you fish. You don't need a license for that, just enforcement. If someone's overfishing, I don't care if they have a license or not. If someone's not properly returning certain fish that they catch, is that license meaningful? Of course not.

Do you need a learner's permit first? "For the first year, you can only fish if you're sober; not at night; not in major lakes; and you must be accompanied by a fully licensed fisherman. Oh! And you can only use worms."

From a caught fish: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a valid license before you club me over the head and fry me."

The police screech to a stop at a cottage: "You! With the fishing pole! Drop the pole and worms slowly and take two steps back! How old are you young man? Are you aware you're fishing without a license? Do you even know how to this hook attached to this string and reel? I mean look at how you're using your floater and sinker at the same time on your line. Obviously you have no idea what to do. You're under arrest for operating a fishing pole without a license."

Stop with the license crap. Charge anyone who owns a cottage a flat-rate $20 annual fee in their property taxes for maintaining the lakes. Hell, charge everyone a flat-rate tax when they buy or rent a fishing pole; buy worms; stay at a hotel near a lake. Enough with the license crap.