I put the cart before the horse in my backyard

As you can see, I haven't posted in awhile. It's been one hectic week for me and with my brain so cluttered with things, I haven't had time to think -- let alone think randomly. In addition, my previous couple of posts have, ahem, sucked. Maybe I should just stick with posting pics of Abby.

Nah, instead, I'll post some more sucky thoughts.

• True story: I saw a food product, "Natural Mashed Potatoes". Last time I checked, potatoes grew only solidly -- though it would be handy if they grew already mashed. It would be difficult to harvest, though.
• Toss my salad. Toss my cookies. Different foods. Different outcomes.
• I want a digital watch that only shows the hands of a clock -- digitally. That would be really cool and really redundant.
• Can anyone really tell the difference between -45C and -50C what about +45C and +50C. I think anything below -15C should be considered "fucking cold" and anything about 40C be considered "fucking hot"
• I can't sing. I sing in the key of "Shut up"
• I've changed my password to be all-asterisks. It's easier to remember that way.
• Earth Hour was interesting. At 8pm, it was like a movie was about to start for the entire city all at once.
• I have a front lawn, but a backyard. How did that happen? And when does grass become a lawn?
• Put the cart before the horse if you want to experience what rear-wheel drive must've felt like in the old days.
• Cool alarm clock idea: It only buzzes at frequencies dogs can hear. So I keep sleeping, but mysteriously everyone else in the neighbourhood keeps waking up at 4am because their dog is barking.

Classes I'd Like to Attend

I have a psychology degree, so I mostly took psychology classes in university. Needless to say, there was plenty of hard work and I sometimes wish I had taken a couple of "easy" classes so the course-load wouldn't be so heavy and to round-out my academic learning. Here's what I wish they had offered:

• Egg-beating 101
• Philosophy of Bruschetta
• Boxers or Briefs: Your Honours Thesis
• Baking statistics: The distribution of Chocolate Chips in Cookies
• A study of the Classics: The Simpsons, The Family Guy and South Park
• Weather Forecasting 101: Weather predictions using your window
• History of the Group Hug
• Medical Risks of the Unibrow
• How to Make Money Fast* (*Note: An extra fee of $99 to attend class)
• A Study of Metaphysics: When does your "laundry" become "clothing"?

Tuesday's Random Thoughts

Ah, what a nice break. With the Easter long weekend, I got to relax, post pictures of Hugo and Abby, and not think for awhile. The problem is, I started thinking again. I need to get pills for that problem.

• Fruit flies live only for 24 hours. They only eat fruit -- you'd think they'd be incredibly healthy. Doesn't say much for apples and oranges.
• I don't get this. I bought "aged cheese" that's aged for 5 years and yet it expires in 2 months?! How does that happen? If it has to expire in two months, give me 4 1/2 year old cheese so I can get a good 6 months out of it
• Who exactly let the dogs out and why was a song written about these dogs?
• True story: There's an all-you-can eat place near my home that delivers. How does that work? "Ok, I'm done, send me more....ok, now more...ok, send me more..."
• I sometimes feel like a 4x6 living in a 5x7 world
• I bored someone to death. My lawyer thinks he can cut me a deal.
• Hannibal Lectur likes people with open minds.

Cute Puppy Pics

My sister brought her dog, Hugo, over for a visit. Hugo is a Bernese Mountain dog. He's 15 weeks old and about 30+ pounds. He'll eventually weigh about 120 lbs. There are other pics of him when he was younger at www.flickr.com/photos/jeffuwo -- go to the 5th page. The other dog in the picture is Abby. She's a black lab/border collie cross and is about 16 months old.

Hugo has an interesting personality as you can see by the pics and the quotes beneath them. (Side note: Each of the pics are clickable if you want to see bigger versions of them.)



"Welcome to Tribe Hugo. Me Hugo. Let us sit and talk."


"I must kneel before your great presence, o' wise Abby."



"Ok! Stand there in front of me! That's-a-good girl, Abby!"


"Yes, I'm having a bad hair day, alright?! Stop staring at me!"

"Nope. Nothing behind this door. Uh uh. Nope. Nothing to see here."

"Enough of my cuteness. I'm outta here."

Boy Bikes and Razor Blades

I was telling someone today about how I was forced to ride a "girls" bike while on vacation a few years ago. As I was telling the story, I was explaining how I didn't understand what made it a girls bike.

Yes, that infamous bar was missing -- you know, the bar that tells you if it's a girls or boys bike? Why does that make it a girls or boys bike in the first place? It's a friggin' bar! Does the bike know that I'm a guy? Will it tell me to fuck off? Yet for some reason, one is a boy's bike, one is a girl's bike, and they're sold as such. In fact, while I was riding it, I noticed some people staring at me -- because of this bar, or lack thereof.

In fact, it's amazing how many sorts of products are out there that are labelled as being for men or women when in fact they're the same thing. Razor blades stand out in my mind. I see all of these "Just for women" pink razors for shaving legs, armpits and wherever women seem to shave. But they're for women. Can't use the guys version. You see the metal is different. It'll cut your skin differently and cause your legs to fall right off! Don't ever use it! Geez.

And now there are "girl" cameras. You notice this? They're pink or red, or stylish. But they're for women. G-d forbid, I have one in my hands, I'll get questioned as to why I have a girl's camera. What, does it have breasts? It takes pictures. It's a camera!

When you think about it, even perfume and cologne are basically the same thing. They're both smells. Is there really a "manly" smell? I suppose there is if you want to put on "Ode de Football", but otherwise, I'd argue no there isn't.

Cell phones -- same thing. "No, Cindy, you can't take that phone. That's a man's phone. Notice the penis on it?"

The argument being made is that is appeals to consumers -- specifically gender targeting. I don't disagree with that. What shocks me is it actually works! I suppose I view things this way because I see myself as being a practical person. I want something functional that works. I'm not really concerned how it looks as much as I care about that it works.

"Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."...because women want their underarms to smell different than men.

I'm just waiting for the next product: Hungry-woman dinners

Bingo and Airplane Food

Interesting combo, eh? Bingo and Airplane Food. I bet you're now wondering: "How on earth are those related?"...either that, or you might be wondering: "How deranged can one man be?" Either way, my answer is: they're not related at all! But sometimes my random thoughts stray in a few different directions and I just have to share them all at once. Today is just such a day...as was yesterday...and the day before...and...

Bingo

I was talking to a colleague the other day about having gone to Bingo halls on a few occasions and how annoying it was. I've never won at Bingo -- perhaps other than contracting lung cancer.

Bingo is a game of getting "close". I hate games like that. With Bingo, 5 minutes into a game you're totally focused on getting G50 or something and that's your life until that game ends.

The announcer calling the numbers knows that you're hanging on every call, and he always makes the most of it. I hate that too.

"...and the nexxxxxxxxxt nummmmmmmmmber isssssssssss..."
I lean in
"Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."
I lean in even more
"Fifffffffffff..."
I lean in more, falling out of my chair
"...tyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"
Moaning on the ground, I start to shout BINGO!
"Fourrrrrrrrrrrrr"

And how on earth do these elderly men and women, who can barely drive 10 km/h in their cars because they can't see, end up with 50 cards in front of them and manage to keep up? I'm struggling with two cards: "G. G. Where the fuck is the G?!" Meantime the announcer is 5 numbers ahead of me.

In the meantime, these folks are happily stamping away, talking, smoking and drinking all at the same time. These people have reaction speeds that rival goalies in hockey. I don't get it. The announcer says G54...

"...so I was saying to Marge..."
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
"...when are you heading to Florida for winter..."
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
"...it's already getting cold. I mean it's only 16C. Can you pass me the water?"
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

I think I'll stick to Lotto 6/49 where at least I can ask the machine to choose the numbers for me. Much easier that way.

Airplane Food
A million comedians have had their say on Airplane Food. I'm not a comedian, but I will also have my say. Given that I had a chance to experience airplane meals for the first time in awhile (I normally travel to destinations where they don't serve food on the plane), I got to experience the food up-close-and-personal. This will be quick, but I had to share. It'll help with my therapy.
Here was the menu of food I experienced on both flights:

Shredded meat-like substance in a broth-like substance: It appeared to be chicken in what appeared to be a sauce, but it was too viscous to really be a sauce. Plus there were things floating around in it. But it wasn't a soup. Still confirming that it was chicken in the first place.

Shredded carrots au jus: Just as it reads. Shredded carrots in what appeared to be carrot juice.

The Omelette of Toughness: It was a block of scrambled egg...or perhaps an omelette. Hard to say.

The Yellow Thing: All I can tell you is it was yellow, crumbly, sort of sweet and considered dessert.

Clinton Vs. Obama (and McCain)

I've always found U.S. politics to be facinating -- especially during election season. Unlike Canadian elections that last 32 days and scandals occur when a politician forgets to say "please" during a debate, U.S. elections literally last 18 months with every breath weighed and analyzed and polled to death. I'm sure if Obama or Clinton or John McCain wanted to know if their campaign was appealing to 1-legged midgets living in Texas with an income over $100k, there are probably numbers on it...already.

I've particularly found the Clinton Vs. Obama situation really interesting to me. Everytime I watch the two of them debate, I almost see them more as being parents versus politicians. It's almost as if they see America, and Americans as being their kid instead of a country.

I see Obama treating America in this gentle way; trying to guide them; acting as a mentor -- arm around the shoulder telling America everything will be alright as long as they listen to him and don't stray too far. He'd like to teach America how to be independent and think for itself.

But it's almost as if he's this passive dad that'll explode if he needs to. America better not piss him off or he'll whup it's ass from New York to Los Angeles quicker than it can run to mommy asking for forgiveness.

I can see his State of the Union address now: "...and our economy is finally recovering. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of all of you and the hardwork you've done."
Leans into the camera looking stern
"But if you ever EVER talk that way about our friends in the Middle East again, so help me..."
Exhales loudly
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO YOU?! IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS YOU TALK TO ME FIRST!"
Leans back and resumes smiling
"But remember, I'm proud of you. You're going to be just fine."

Clinton, on the other hand, I see her as a stern disciplinarian from the outset. I think she truly believes America needs a good spanking. Now. She's had enough of America's bullshit and if she had her way, she'd pass a law where every American would be spanked and sent to their room without dinner for the night.

I can see it now:
"...and another thing..."
spank
"...enough with pissing off the UK!"
spank
"That's no way to treat your friends! Would you like to be treated that way by your friends?!"
spank
"I didn't think so! Now go to your room and think about what you've done and I'll come by in an hour."

John McCain, on the other hand (I might as well mention the Republican candidate to be fair) is almost like the old-fashion grandfather sitting in the corner watching Obama and Clinton trying to battle it out with how to discipline America.

He'd occasionally raise his hand and shake his head, smiling: "Bah, I remember the good old days where you didn't have to worry about spanking or yelling. America just knew how to behave. None of this spanking or philosophical crap. It knew its place and simply behaved."

I'm not going to tell you who I think should win -- everyone has their own opinion and your opinion is perfectly valid, I'm sure. What I will say, though, is I'm hoping one day America will realize it's actually adopted and search for its real birth parents.

...in the news

Actual headline:

"McGuinty [Premier of Ontario] announces dental, snacks plans" -- Hmmm, maybe if you eliminate the snack plan, you won't need the dental plan!

And some fake ones:
Bombmaker fired -- blows up at reporters.

Study shows the cost of balloons inflate over time

Geese launch new campaign -- asks drivers to honk to show support

Historians note Alexander Graham Bell found his calling in life

The People-Against-The-Use-of-Hyphens Club disbanded today for unknown reasons

Man pulls butter-knife in deli. Dozens off innocent sandwiches spread with butter.

Post-Peruvian Random Thoughts

Now that I'm back in Toronto, it's about time I share some thoughts I had while in Peru. After translating them from Spanish, I came up with the following:

• The opposite of "underneath" is "overneath"
• When snakes get angry, do they throw a hissy fit?
• It's too bad Zoodles weren't to scale.
• There should be a law that when people type "lol", they truly do laugh out loud.
• When curlers have sex: "HEAVY!" "HARD!" "HURRY!"
• I love wishing upon stars. Yesterday, I wished upon Julia Roberts.
• I fell in love once. Broke my arm.
• Always flip channels once every 10 minutes so they heat evenly on all sides.

Note: I have posted my Peruvian pics on my Flickr website. For now, I'm updating daily with another 4 or 5 pics per day. I have a few on my Facebook account, but those are limited. Go to www.flickr.com/photos/jeffuwo and the Peru 2008 for the pics.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere a Line

I am back from Lima, Peru. Back in Toronto. I'm in my house. It only took me a day to shovel threw the driveway to get in the garage. All is fine and dandy. I'm thankful I made it home, though. I'm surprised I'm still not waiting in line.

Now I can't say I'm the biggest traveler in the world, but I have been to a few airports in my time. I have never been through so many lines before! You'd think this airport has a "line manager" who sits in an office just coming up with new ways to wait in line. Here was my evening at the airport after taking a taxi to get there.

Line 1: The cab driver has to show ID at the airport gate. Waited in line with other cabs for about 10 minutes to show the ID.

Line 2: After being dropped off, I waited in line just to get into the building. That took about 5 minutes or so.

Line 3: Before even approaching the counter, I had to wait in line to approach a "pre-check-in" person who confirmed my flight and that my bags were ok.

Line 4: Only now did I get to stand in line just to check in, get my boarding pass, drop off my luggage, etc.

Line 5: Finally, I can head to security. But wait! There's a line up first as you have to pay a "departure tax". It's not built in to the cost of the ticket, so everyone who's departing had to wait in a line to pay the tax.

Line 6: Now there's the line up for your passport to be stamped before you leave -- customs in a sense. But that line is too long, so there's another line I had to stand in to go into the security line. Seriously.

Line 7: Passport has been stamped. Now there's a line-up for security, where you get x-rayed and such. I assume this is why they tell you to get to the airport 3 hours before departure. You have to spend 2 hours of that time in a line of some sort.

Line 8: Yay! I'm finally at the gate! Of course, there's that infamous line to get on the plane. You know, the one where they first "pre-board" people who are old or with kids, yet everyone rushes the gate en masse anyways? It's funny to watch as mysteriously everyone has a limp or clutching their backs or sides in mock pain; adults explaining how they're kids-at-heart so they should board first.

So all-in-all a total of 8 lines -- not counting all those lines when I got home. I bet if I wanted to complain about the lineups, there'd be a lineup to get into the complaints area, a line to fill out a form, and a line to give it to someone.

Side note: I have finally posted my first batch of Peruvian pics on my Flickr website! Yay! Go to www.flickr.com/photos/jeffuwo and click on the Peru 2008 link towards the upper-right of the screen to view them.