Left-over Randomness

I finished up "Up and Down" the other day and I had a few left-over thoughts.  After much debate amongst me and my other personalities, we've decided to share them.

• Yesterday when I was writing, my creative juices got flowing and I forgot to put on a creative condom.  I think I got another blog pregnant.
• Smile.  It makes people wonder what you're thinking.  Or perhaps rather than smiling, just open your damn mouth and tell them.  Much easier that way.
• I don't question reality, I interrogate it.  Tie it up, throw it out of a moving car -- that sort of thing.   
• What are exclamation points pointing to?
• Sweepstakes neither contain sweeping, nor stakes.  Just sayin'...
• I take enough acid trips to get frequent flier mileage
• To me being classy means you say "Excuse me" after you fart loudly in a crowded room
• Interesting:  They make light beer, but not light rum.  That's too bad.  It'd be perfect to put in your diet coke.
• Your best bet...is not to bet.
• Anyone find it ironic that you go see an eye doctor?
• Finally, after a stressful few months, the clock started to unwind
• Don't ever look up to someone who looks down on you
• Hey!  That cloud is shaped like Elvis!  I guess he's not dead after all.
• When flocks of geese hook up, they fly in w's across the sky

Up and Down

It's amazing how a single word can change the entire meaning of a phrase or sentence.  English is one of the weirdest languages, hands down.  All those who agree, hands up!

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work? 

But hey, while you're raising your hand, lay back, feet up and enjoy -- live it up!  But not too much.  If you do something stupid, you'll never live it down.  And if you do it again, I will put my foot down and put a stop to it.

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work? 

If you're laying down, there's no way you can do a layup.  So, I want you to sit up, get up and get down to the music and then you can sit down once again.  Just remember to sit up -- don't slouch.

It's time to head out.  The big showdown is tonight and I have to show up.  It's a stand-up comedian looking to stand down after many years in the business.  It'll be a stare down with the crowd.

Up and down.  Down and up.  How does that work?

Shut up!  Say that one more time and I'll shut down.

I'm outta here.

Who let the dogs out?

I don't know what possessed me but I actually have tickets to go see the Cesar Millan Show when it hits Toronto in October.

For those of you who aren't familiar, Cesar Millan, aka The Dog Whispererererer, goes around training supposedly untrainable dogs in 10 minutes.

It got me thinking, what exactly will his "concert" be like. Hmmmm....

Top 10 things you won't see at the Cesar Millan Live Show

10. Weezer as the opening act

9. 15 minutes after the show is supposed to begin, still waiting for him to come out: "Ce-sar! Ce-sar! Ce-sar!"

8. The guy next to you getting kicked out for smoking a joint

7. "Those were the best pyro-technics I've ever seen!"

6. Cesar starting the encore screaming "One! More! Dog!"

5. Special guest duet with Elton John. Ok, actually I can see that one happening

4. Two words: Backup dancers

3. Body slamming in the mosh pit

2. A mosh pit

1. Cesar coming out of the closet.

Labour Day Randomness

Granted, it's not Labour Day yet, but I'll post it early.  To all pregnant women out there who are about to have babies, I dedicate this Labour Day to you...

• I'm not trying to get into her pants.  I'm trying to get into her underwear.  Way more exciting.
• What the hell are All Dressed chips?  It's dressed with...all?  All what?  Can we be a bit more specific?
• I was on a mood swing yesterday.  Today I'm on a mood slide and tomorrow I'll play on the mood monkey bars.
• I'd like to make a hat totally out of my hair.  That way I could wear it and no one would notice.
• When elephants need to dry their clothes, they hang them on their tusks -- better for the environment.
• Organizing my thoughts is like organizing my sock drawer.  Some are strewn all over the floor and half are missing entirely.
• What's with calling people 'muffin'?  If I wanted to be referred to as a fatty snack, at least go all out and call me 'doughnut'.
• Can we finally cook the beans?  How much longer do they have to stay cool?
• Want to have fun?  Knock on a stranger's door and when they ask "Who is it?" do an actual knock-knock joke.
• If I was trapped on a desert island, the one thing I'd want to have with me?  A phone so I can call someone to get me the fuck out of there.  What's with wanting CDs or food or movies.  Geez, let me just make my call and someone will pick me up.
• I used to be a night owl until I realized being a night bat was way cooler.
• Two scary things:  1)  Q-tips have instructions; 2)  People who read those instructions
• Annoying:  After your baby is born, the doctor makes the baby cry.  But then it's up to you to make the baby stop crying.

P.S.  A friend of mine is on Twitter.  Take a look and follow her and her own random thoughts! 

http://www.twitter.com/Rapacchietta

We're trying!

I've always been amused by language and the idiosyncrasies associated with them.  If you read through my various blog posts I like to point out the inane, the insane and the downright weird things we do and say.

One of the things that's always caught my attention is the notion of trying to get pregnant.  No, no, not the actual act itself (which is fun and should be practiced frequently), but how it's communicated and the fact that it's communicated at all.

I find it absolutely amazing that someone will tell their parents (or perhaps friends) that they're trying to start a family.  Think about it!  Think about what they're really saying.

"Mom.  Dad.  Now that that we've been married for about a year, we've decided to try and start a family."

...translates into...

"Mom.  Dad.  We've been fucking on and off for the past year, but Suzie's been on the pill.  Suzie is off the pill now and we're gonna start fucking like rabbits until she pops one out."

It's even worse when it's the guy telling his in-laws:  "I just wanted to tell you I've started fucking your daughter pretty much every day now.  I'm trying to knock her up.  Just thought I'd share."

Why on earth do we tell people we're "trying?"  We don't do it in other instances.  "Mom.  Dad.  Jason and I have been going out for a couple of weeks now and we've decided while we're dating we're going to fuck daily.  I just thought I'd share."

We don't announce things going the other way, do we?  "We're holding off on fucking for the next year on the account that Cindy is going back to school, so there'll be very little time to fuck.  Oh sure, we'll fuck infrequently, but any kid will be an accident."

Once someone is pregnant, it's such a joyous occasion, but it's still weird for me to hear:  "I have some news.  Elizabeth and I were fucking last month and it worked!  I knocked her up!  I'm a bit sad because we won't be fucking for 9 months, though.  What the hell was I thinking?"

So in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate all my pregnant friends.  I wish you all the best, and happy fucking!

Random thoughts for the summer

Wow!  Where has the summer gone?  Oh there it is!  It's in my house where it's been at least 26C (78F) on a daily basis.  Someone needs a new A/C unit, I think.

• Just invented:  an office work-station where the walls are made up of 6 random colours that people will try to re-arrange into pretty designs.  It's called the Rubik's Cubicle.
• I like when it rains cats and dogs because it gives me a chance to see which bounces higher when it hits the ground.
• One day, 30 years from now, the President of the United States will email the Russian Premier and it will include the phrases:  "Wtf", "Lol", include winky faces and conclude with "I'll ttyl".  Does that scare anyone else?
• I can't draw so I became an amateur photographer to take pictures of the pre-drawn. 
• The JetBlue flight attendant that got so fed up over his job and passengers that he cursed over the intercom and then deployed the emergency chute and left the plane was actually arrested in the airport, not at his home.  He tried to go home, but he got stuck waiting 30 minutes for his luggage to come out.
• I don't get YouTube.  People bitch about how their tv has 200 channels of crap and there's nothing to watch.  So you flock to youtube that has 2 million channels of crap?
• There's something about real life that seems so fake.
• What we need is an umbrella that will totally protect you from the rain, even if it's really windy and the rain is blowing sideways.  Oh wait, that's called a raincoat.
• Some people never change...like dead people.  They rarely change.
• Are fish ever thirsty?
• Does anyone say dangnapit anymore? Did anyone say it in the first place?
• Whenever I get sick I put benedryl in my humidifier
• Washcloth: now there's a name that's literal. Wouldn't it be neat if toilet paper was called Ass Wipes? Butthole cleaner?
• Modern camels store their food in refrigerated humps
• What do roses give each other for Valentines Day?
• Is it me or does it seem like square pizzas are just wrong?
• A wedge is a 3-D version of a slice.
• Why is it when someone brings a dog onto public transit people stare at the thing like they've been violated? Like how dare that person bring that filthy thing on here?! At least the dog isn't leaving a newspaper, half a sandwich and potato chip crumbs all over their seat.
• I don't believe in making out in public. Groping, on the other hand...
• Anyone else find it weird that waterparks are called "Wet N Wild?"
• Stop with these rationalizations people make about their height or weight. Its useless, counter-productive, politically correct bullshit and I can't stand it.  You are what you are and stop changing it into something you're not.
  
  "I'm not short, I'm fun-sized." No. You're short. That's why you need a stool to reach things on the top shelf. If you're fun you won't use a stool, you'll use a rope.
  
  "There's just more of me to love." Well then get your ample, lovable ass off the couch and go for a walk, ok? If you have to catch your breath after taking the escalator, there's too much of you to love.
  
  "Good things come in small packages." Yeah right. And you're the one that cracks 'small dick' jokes so let's find another way to boost your self-esteem ok?


"I'm just big boned." No, a T-Rex is big boned. You just scarfed 5 pieces of pizza. I'm think that might be the cause of your bones being big.

May's Thoughts

Ok, ok, so I'm getting lazy and not posting as often as I used to -- and that wasn't much to begin with. I'll try to do better, I promise. Ok, promise is too strong of a word. Let's go with I might.

• Everytime someone is goofy, they have to pay Disney royalties?


• Where's my alley? I keep hearing there are things up it. I checked Google Maps. Can't find it anywhere.


• A playoff team can go 16-12 -- barely over .500 -- and still win the championship.


• Three most dangerous times while on a plane: 3 minutes after take-off; 8 minutes to the landing; being served dinner


• Due to environmental considerations, the light at the end of the tunnel has now been changed to a flourescent bulb


• The frightened tree was rooted to the spot.


• Differences between men and women: women have bigger boobs and are missing something that a guy has. Men *are* boobs and miss everything.


• Why can't we all just be happy... and know it...and clap our hands.


• At face value it was worth an arm and a leg.

An extra helping of randomness

As a few people have pointed out, it's been awhile since I posted anything to my blog. I have been a bit busy, but hopefully things will lighten up a bit over the next while. In the meantime, I offer you an extra helping of randomness...


• Laziest job in the world: Manager of coffee stick designs. How can there even be a single employee in this company? A machine cuts strips of plastic and throw it in a truck. What else is there?
  
• Anyone ever bother to analyze people who create ink blots? I bet they have scary-ass minds.
  
• I'd love to see a rotary push button phone. It just sounds fun.
  
• Water on a white t-shirt. Love it. Can someone apply that technology to other t-shirt colours please?
  
• The difference between being confident and showing off: confidence is when people say "hey look at you". Showing off is when you say "hey look at me."
  
• Can only Christians cross-train?
  
• Yesterday during rush hour I made a no-point turn. I turned left but there was no point.
  
• The fact that elevators have an emergency stop button scares me. When exactly would you use that exactly? If the elevator is plummeting towards the ground you'd hope that the elevator would have automatic sensors to stop it. You think the guy with his face pressed to the ceiling is going to have time to sort out that whole button thing?
  
• Hey it's the new millennium. Isn't it about time that Jack came out of the box?
  
• Always assume its not good to assume
  
• I love it when people say they're going to have an extra "helping" of food. How the hell is that helping? That's eating. Want to help extra? Do the cooking AND the cleaning.

In the news

A few comments about items in the news over the past few days.


• So this whale has now killed three people and all the experts come out to try and "help" the whale. Help the whale? What are they supposed to do? Have it sit down with a psychiatrist? Put it in jail? Oh wait, it's already in jail. This isn't a dog you can put down because it's terrorizing the neighbourhood. Keeping a whale in captivity to save the species is one thing. Keeping a whale in captivity so it can spray a crowd full of water and get a bucket of fish as a reward is another. The guy running the show down there calls it "educational". Educational is watching a whale swim in the ocean -- not dragging a helpless trainer underwater.


• I'm watching the olympics and I'm wondering how much more brazen can some of these athletes get. First there's the bobsleigh. Scary. Fast. But some folks said "Oh yeah! We don't need all this extra protection! " And thus the luge was born. But wait, not good enough! "Pffff, wimps! Going down feet first like that! How about head first!" ...the skeleton. Up next, they're just going to hurl themselves off a cliff. Whomever reaches the ground the quickest...


• The Canadian Women's Hockey Team wins gold. Celebrates partially on the ice after everyone left the building. Might've been beer and champagne involved. An 18 year old might've had some beer too. You mean an 18 year old Canadian might've had beer? *Gasp*. That NEVER happens. And you mean the winning team celebrated? Holy cow, what's the world coming to! Get over it IOC. They did nothing wrong.


• The headlines around the Toyota car issues are scary. They're scary because just about every other car company out there has had just as many issues if not more around their cars. Not necessarily sticky gas pedals, but various issues. Cars need to be made safer all around. Why is it all of the sudden that it's become an issue now? Is it because it's a foreign-owned car company that happens to be doing well on US soil? Nah. Couldn't be.


• William Shatner and Catherine O'Hara were both a part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Shatner was funnier. I believe this is the part where the Earth explodes.

Called it!

So I was thinking back to my childhood the other day and after shuddering in horror at the clothes I used to wear -- and realized I still wear them -- I remembered fondly on how simple things were between kids.

Fights involved name-calling, not bolt-action rifles. You got sent to the office for calling someone a shithead, as opposed to using some sort of ethnic slur.

Playgrounds then weren't safe for adults, let-alone the kids. Slides and monkey bars sat over-top of concrete foundations using paint containing enough lead to kill birds that happened to land on it. If you fell from any apparatus in the playground, in order to survive you had to land feet first, arms thrown in the air in a dismount that would've made a gymnast happy (though the French judge would've only given 5's in a bribery scandal).

But what amazes me most was how powerful words were. If you wanted to declare something -- to make it real; make it yours -- all you had to do is shout "Called it!". And for extra umph "Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!". Once that was shouted, no one could argue with you. What was done was done. "We're playing with my marbles. Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

How life would be so simple if words still carried the same power as an adult. Unfortunately words lose that touch in the teen years and then go away completely. As a kid, if you declared it, it was so. It was almost some form of respect to the words that were used.

As adults you can pretty much say whatever you want. The words aren't heard or respected. They're filtered, interpreted, editorialized and then summarily dismissed by someone who believes they have better words.

Can you imagine how politics would be if words still held power? Imagine how the health care debate raging in the US might've been different. Obama steps up to the microphone at a news conference...

"Ladies and gentleman. I offer you a historic proposition today. Health-care for all Americans at an affordable rate." *Clears his throat* "Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

Later on, the Republican leader steps forward to offer his thoughts: "We fundamentally disagree with President Obama's thoughts on the issue. We think the health-care system is working exactly as it should for Americans and there are already programs in place for those who can't afford health care." *Clears throat* "But, President Obama did declare 'no erasies', so I'm afraid we'll have to live with it."

A slight exaggeration, perhaps (ok, a gross exaggeration), but somehow words lose their power as we grow up and simply becomes things we say out loud for the sake of filling up the vacuum of silence. I want to go back to my childhood again and scream at the kids: "Hold onto the power! Don't let it go! Remember now for all time, when you say something, you mean it. The words hold power; hold meaning. Respect the words! Grow up, not cynical. Grow stronger, not suspicious. That awe you felt as you were taught new words, their meaning and their power -- hold onto that, relish it and enjoy it."

No erasies.

Black magic.