Called it!

So I was thinking back to my childhood the other day and after shuddering in horror at the clothes I used to wear -- and realized I still wear them -- I remembered fondly on how simple things were between kids.

Fights involved name-calling, not bolt-action rifles. You got sent to the office for calling someone a shithead, as opposed to using some sort of ethnic slur.

Playgrounds then weren't safe for adults, let-alone the kids. Slides and monkey bars sat over-top of concrete foundations using paint containing enough lead to kill birds that happened to land on it. If you fell from any apparatus in the playground, in order to survive you had to land feet first, arms thrown in the air in a dismount that would've made a gymnast happy (though the French judge would've only given 5's in a bribery scandal).

But what amazes me most was how powerful words were. If you wanted to declare something -- to make it real; make it yours -- all you had to do is shout "Called it!". And for extra umph "Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!". Once that was shouted, no one could argue with you. What was done was done. "We're playing with my marbles. Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

How life would be so simple if words still carried the same power as an adult. Unfortunately words lose that touch in the teen years and then go away completely. As a kid, if you declared it, it was so. It was almost some form of respect to the words that were used.

As adults you can pretty much say whatever you want. The words aren't heard or respected. They're filtered, interpreted, editorialized and then summarily dismissed by someone who believes they have better words.

Can you imagine how politics would be if words still held power? Imagine how the health care debate raging in the US might've been different. Obama steps up to the microphone at a news conference...

"Ladies and gentleman. I offer you a historic proposition today. Health-care for all Americans at an affordable rate." *Clears his throat* "Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

Later on, the Republican leader steps forward to offer his thoughts: "We fundamentally disagree with President Obama's thoughts on the issue. We think the health-care system is working exactly as it should for Americans and there are already programs in place for those who can't afford health care." *Clears throat* "But, President Obama did declare 'no erasies', so I'm afraid we'll have to live with it."

A slight exaggeration, perhaps (ok, a gross exaggeration), but somehow words lose their power as we grow up and simply becomes things we say out loud for the sake of filling up the vacuum of silence. I want to go back to my childhood again and scream at the kids: "Hold onto the power! Don't let it go! Remember now for all time, when you say something, you mean it. The words hold power; hold meaning. Respect the words! Grow up, not cynical. Grow stronger, not suspicious. That awe you felt as you were taught new words, their meaning and their power -- hold onto that, relish it and enjoy it."

No erasies.

Black magic.

A few more thoughts

After writing my olympic thoughts a few days ago, I still had a few non-olympic-related thoughts remaining. I've decided to share them with you now. Please have a seat, return your seatbacks to the upright position and stow your tray-tables.

• "Coffee, tea, or me." Boy, someone was horny the day they came up with that line. That's quite the proposition! I also wonder if the person chose coffee.
• 4-leaf clovers don't consider themselves lucky. They keep getting picked and die.
• I hate how some people will keep an email thread running for two weeks and in the meantime the content of the thread has absolutely nothing to do with the subject line. Sometimes you need to take the extra step and type something new in the subject line.
  

Re: mom's surprise party

Can you believe Suzy slept with that guy? Ever since she got that boob job she's all tits and no brains.

• A round of applause. A round of drinks. Close call on which I'd rather have.
• Is it just me but don't you sometimes feel intimidated by how some people knot their scarves? I can barely manage to fling the thing over my shoulder without accidentally choking myself and in the meantime the guy next to me has this elaborate double-hitch-with-reverse-cloverleaf thing going that would make a sailor proud.
• A capella: A noodle that sings by itself
• Have you ever seen a hyper turtle? Could you tell if you haven't?
• Hey here's a brilliant idea for a ringtone: it sounds like a phone ringing *gasp* I don't need to hear that you like The Godfather or have a thing for Cookie Monster every time your Aunt Betsy decides to call and update you on her "bunion situation".
• Life is all a matter of inches -- usually somewhere between 4 to 9 inches to be exact.

Random Thoughts -- Olympic Edition

You know, I was watching ski jumping the other day and I noticed each jumper is ranked by points -- distance combined with "style". You know what? Here's a guy hurling down a 45 degree hill at 100 km/h. As far as I'm concerned, his "style" should be surviving. Can't they just rank them based on distance. This dude jumped 85 meters. This other dude jumped 84.5 metres. Take a guess who should win in my books? I don't care if the guy landed with pointed toes or his hands up in the air. Do long jumpers get points for style? Nope! They can land face first and no one cares. If anything I think any ski jumper should get bonus points just for surviving. "And Tomas Thomas jumped 76.23 metres. The judges noted he only pissed his pants, he'll get a bonus 10 metres as well."

• Now they sell furnace filters that have UV lights -- I guess this is for germs that want a tan?


• Hypnotists must take Finger-snapping 101


• True story: Came across a "Hermit Crabs for Dummies" book. Shoot me now.


• Scandal at the Olympics: Three snowboarders were drug-tested and the tests came back negative. No drugs in them at all. They were immediately disqualified.


• Why is it that when you order a panzerotto you can order toppings? Shouldn't it be called fillings?


• What's the big deal about being extraordinary? I can be ordinary or extra-ordinary? I'll take the regular ordinary, thanks.
  
• It's easy to figure out who spies are. They're the people walking around whispering "I spy with my little eye..."


• You know that little mirror dentists use? Yeah, they're just looking at themselves in the little mirror. Why do you think they're always smiling?
• I learned today at the zoo that elephants can produce up to 400 lbs of shit per day. I also learned today that I never want to intern at the zoo.
• Any game that you can play more than once during a day should not be considered a sport. I'm sorry, but if I see an athlete participate in heat #2 in the morning, the semi-finals in the afternoon and win the gold medal in the evening, that's not a sport he or she is participating in, it's a recreational activity.

Random thoughts for 2010

Wow! It's 2010! I remember when we started the 2000's with all sorts of futuristic predictions and we know how that turned out. Two words: Windows Vista.

I actually had a depressing haircut the other day. That's right, a depressing haircut. As the stylist was shaving the sides and back of my head, I noticed the hair coming down was all grey! I was quite sad. But then on top of that, the stylist joked: "Don't worry, I just cut out all your grey."

:O Shit, she noticed too! Even more depressing. I then went to visit my mother and as I walked in the door, she said: "Jeff! Wow, your hair is getting so grey!" WTF?

In any case, a few thoughts to start off the year...

• Don't you find it cool when you're listening to music in a car or on a bus and it seems that everything around you seems to move to the beat of the music? It's almost like G-d went "Heyyyyy, I like that song! Everyone get down and shake your thang!"
• Is it earphones or headphones? Is there a difference? They both end up in your ears.
• Crack pipe: An object used to smoke drugs? A broken watermain? Or a really painful sounding sex toy?
• I'm waiting for a flamingo to one day put his other foot down: "Holy shit. This is way easier!"
• For stalker class, the people who show up IN class are the ones that fail.
• Hey, once the 7th season of 24 starts, shouldn't that be a Sunday and Jack Bauer should rest the entire day? "Stay tuned for episode 3: 6pm-7pm where you'll watch Jack make his dinner and clean up after!"
• Apparently Kraft has purchased Cadbury. I can picture how those negotiations might have gone...

Cadbury: "...your offer sounds intriguing, but we're not sure..."

Kraft *slides over three boxes of KD*

Cadbury: "I'm sorry. That's not going to help."

Kraft *slides over three boxes of White Cheese KD*

Cadbury *execs look at each other* "If you throw in the Three Cheese Macaroni, it's a deal."

• Do you stamp your foot or stomp your foot? Verbs are vital here!
• When you're introduced to someone and they say "glad to meet you" prove them wrong
• The first time someone ate chicken: "wow! Everything else tastes like this!"
• The library, tennis and golf: the only times silence is required in order to think.
• People who abruptly stop in the middle of a moving crowd of people should be promptly jailed for 6 months
• You know what? Walking on eggshells isn't that bad at all. It's kind of mushy with the occasional jab of pain but overall it's kind of soothing
• How to annoy someone: find someone who's reading a book, stand next to them and in a barely audible voice read the book aloud.
• Have you ever been on a bus and the person sitting beside you suddenly moves to an empty seat? Don't you become insulted? Its almost like you require they give an exit interview before they leave. "Alright, so it's Mr. Johnson? Fine. So what seemed to be the issue? Was I taking up too much space? Did I smell or something? Was it the socks? My wife picked out those, it's not my fault."
  

A Random Guide to Kids

I thought I'd put together a guide for new, or soon-to-be-new parents about their new baby. I offer this advice based on extensive research by watching baby cartoons.

0-2 months: Your baby will eat, sleep, cry, and shit -- in any random order. You will know your baby is advancing because sometimes your baby will combine two or even three of those items at the same time. Your baby can't see more than a couple feet in front of her, so screw that elaborate artwork and mobiles you have planned. She ain't gonna care. But you'll do it anyway and decorate the room in some gaudy looking striped pattern with big-eyed animals that would give most adults nightmares.

3-4 months: Holy shit! All of the sudden your baby can smile! You suddenly become a stand-up comic extraordinaire. You will spend all your waking moments doing anything -- anything! -- to make your baby smile. And, for whatever reason, just about anything will. This is also about the time where their sight will improve and can see a fair distance away. This is characterized by the shocked look on their faces when they see how horribly their room is decorated.

5-6 months: Now toys start to come into play as they start to interact with the world around them. The most important rule from the child's point of view is the toy should make noise, move and be loud. From a parent's point of view, the most important rule is the toy should not make noise, move, or be loud. Your baby may also begin attempting to crawl, sit or roll-over. This is important because from now on, wherever you leave them, you may not necessarily find them there when you return. This wasn't the case before. In order to protect the baby and ensure you're aware of their movements, it's best to attach a small bell around their arm.

7-8 months: Your child is likely crawling a fair bit now, or attempting to. A bell won't suffice anymore. Best to go with a leash. Additionally, your baby's personality is really starting to shine through and you'll see how they're watching you closely, absorbing everything you do and perhaps even try to mimic it. For example, if you notice your baby refusing a bottle unless it comes with a twist-off cap and a squeeze of lime, you know it's time to cut down on the parties. Toys need to get more sophisticated at this point as well. A netbook should do -- nothing too fancy, but your kid deserves at least 1 gig of RAM, doesn't she?

9-10 months: Your baby is on solid foods now and you'll definitely notice a change in their demeanor, their activity level, and the smell of their shit. You thought it smelled bad before? Wait until they digest a totally new food for the first time! Even skunks in the neighbourhood are avoiding your house. But it's an exciting time too. Your child likely has more teeth than grandma now, and probably a better memory too.

11-12 months: Wow, where did the year go? It went by so fast as far as you're concerned, but that's probably because you're in such a sleep-deprived stupor, you don't remember most of it. Because of this, your mother-in-law will likely remind you a few times of when you told her to fuck off two months ago -- just in case you forgot. Your baby is probably creeping along furniture and maybe even taking a step or two. In fact, your baby walking reminds you of how you walk when you're drunk. Scarily enough, when your baby talks, she also reminds you of how you talk when you're drunk.

With the first year behind you, you're excited for what lays beyond: Toys that keep playing even after the child left the room 10 minutes ago; expensive baby foods that are just pureed versions of what you're having for dinner; toys that cost $50 and last for 50 minutes before they're broken; but most importantly, a child that will look at you and smile and say "I love you"...and then look at the lamp and say "I love you."

Brief Thoughts

Just a few thoughts to tide you over while I work on other thoughts...

• A cool invention would be creating lemons that have a tequila-filled centre.
• Is it me or does every German-speaking man sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
• You know those free newspapers you get in the subway and bus? I picked one up the other day. It's ridiculous. It's like looking at a print version of Twitter. News condensed down to 140 characters or less -- just what we need.
• I tried catching some Z's, but instead I caught some sideways N's.
• I love when you see someone winking at someone else in the hopes of picking them up. That's like saying: "Hey, babe. Look at me. I know how to control my eyelids."
• Why does a room always look like a tornado or hurricane hit it? Why not any other sort of weather event? "Johnny! Look at your room! It looks like light showers with a southwesterly wind and a high of 10C hit it!"
• I am so out of shape. I'm out of breath half the time. I remember when I used to be...in breath.

More thoughts

As we're in the midst of autumn, I get to enjoy watching the leaves change colour, fall to the ground and die, leaving me having to spend countless hours sweeping and cleaning and bagging the leaves. Man, I love autumn!

• I was hunting for the meaning of life when I finally found it! It was right there in the dictionary under "L"
• You know you're stressed when your antacid gives you heartburn
• Call me paranoid, but don't you get the impression that all those chinese restaurants with the signs in chinese say things like: "Don't come in here. We serve crap. This is for tourists and white people."
• What's the idea behind a secret admirer? They're secret. You have no idea who they are. How do you know you have one then? Hell, I've got a good two dozen secret admirers out there. Yup. Yes I do.
• I used to dance to Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice. Yes, shoot me now. Put me out of my misery.
• I've been to a Neil Diamond concert. Hey, I told you to shoot me.
• You can't be a real doctor unless you've said to at least one patient: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed."
• I went job hunting once. Stood in a tree for hours. Camouflage vest, rifle -- the whole thing. Didn't spot one single job.
• So now there's this "Balloon Boy" incident where a man claimed his 6 year old was in this hot-air balloon, yet when it landed he wasn't there and instead was found at home. Geez, doesn't David Copperfield do that as a part of his act daily?
• Who decided that relish belongs in a squeeze bottle? Hey, what a good idea! Let's take something that's full of chunks and put it in a bottle you have to squeeze to get the chunks out! Has anyone NOT made a mess when using a squeeze bottle of relish?

Thoughts for Autumn

Do you say Autumn or Fall? While you ponder that, take a look at what I've been pondering for the past few days.

• That's unfathomable! Not only that, it's in a depth of water that cannot be measured using fathoms!
• I don't mind paying an arm and a leg, but it only means I can buy two things.
• United we stand. Toilets we sit.
• I tried a change of fate. It was too difficult. So I just went with a change of underwear.
• What is it with everything being just around the corner? Autumn is just around the corner. An election is just around the corner. You know what, I've been around the corner and still haven't found anything. I've been around so many corners, I've been around the block. In fact, what is it with having been around the block? "Talk to Jeff. He's been around the block once or twice." Well damn right I have. I keep looking for things around the corner!
• I'm the complete package! Hell, I even come in brown wrapping paper and a stamp.
• I've figured out the source of the high blood pressure epidemic being experienced in the US. Here's the deal: George Bush was president for 8 years. Everytime words came out of his mouth, we were told to take it with a grain of salt. That amount of salt adds up!

Found it!

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.

• I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
• Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
• Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
• Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
• Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
• When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
• People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.

Just Because

Well it's been a busy month. Since it's been a busy month, I haven't had time to blog, or to write in my blog, or whatever one does to a blog...

• I have this whole, lengthy essay I want to write about using "Just because" as an answer. But I've decided against it. Why? Just because.
• I wonder if dogs are totally in awe of our bathrooms. "All I know is humans keep going into this room and marking their territory in this one spot over and over -- like 2 or 3 times a day! Boy, that must be an important spot!"
• If you live every day like it's your last, you'll never have the pleasure of experiencing any firsts.
• Great people wonder. Simple people wander.
• Sea lions gather in groups in Sea Africa. They are known to chase after sea antelopes but the must always be weary of their arch-nemisis, the sea elephant.
• This morning I washed my face, put on after-shave (have to smell good), then a skin moisterizer (can't have dry skin), then my suntan lotion (gotta watch those UV rays), then my bug repellant (never a good time to catch West Nile). Luckily, I remembered to wash my face first. Wouldn't want it to be dirty...
• If it's against your better judgement, by definition, doesn't that mean you have poor judgement? In which case, you're not going against anything...