Thoughts for Autumn

Do you say Autumn or Fall? While you ponder that, take a look at what I've been pondering for the past few days.

• That's unfathomable! Not only that, it's in a depth of water that cannot be measured using fathoms!
• I don't mind paying an arm and a leg, but it only means I can buy two things.
• United we stand. Toilets we sit.
• I tried a change of fate. It was too difficult. So I just went with a change of underwear.
• What is it with everything being just around the corner? Autumn is just around the corner. An election is just around the corner. You know what, I've been around the corner and still haven't found anything. I've been around so many corners, I've been around the block. In fact, what is it with having been around the block? "Talk to Jeff. He's been around the block once or twice." Well damn right I have. I keep looking for things around the corner!
• I'm the complete package! Hell, I even come in brown wrapping paper and a stamp.
• I've figured out the source of the high blood pressure epidemic being experienced in the US. Here's the deal: George Bush was president for 8 years. Everytime words came out of his mouth, we were told to take it with a grain of salt. That amount of salt adds up!

Found it!

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.

• I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
• Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
• Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
• Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
• Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
• When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
• People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.

Just Because

Well it's been a busy month. Since it's been a busy month, I haven't had time to blog, or to write in my blog, or whatever one does to a blog...

• I have this whole, lengthy essay I want to write about using "Just because" as an answer. But I've decided against it. Why? Just because.
• I wonder if dogs are totally in awe of our bathrooms. "All I know is humans keep going into this room and marking their territory in this one spot over and over -- like 2 or 3 times a day! Boy, that must be an important spot!"
• If you live every day like it's your last, you'll never have the pleasure of experiencing any firsts.
• Great people wonder. Simple people wander.
• Sea lions gather in groups in Sea Africa. They are known to chase after sea antelopes but the must always be weary of their arch-nemisis, the sea elephant.
• This morning I washed my face, put on after-shave (have to smell good), then a skin moisterizer (can't have dry skin), then my suntan lotion (gotta watch those UV rays), then my bug repellant (never a good time to catch West Nile). Luckily, I remembered to wash my face first. Wouldn't want it to be dirty...
• If it's against your better judgement, by definition, doesn't that mean you have poor judgement? In which case, you're not going against anything...

And in the news...

A few thoughts about real news stories and headlines....

• It was just announced that 85% of Canadian banknotes had traces of cocaine on them. The press release indicated that researchers..."worked night and day to study each note and rarely slept, if ever. They've also asked that people stop staring at them."


• A hacker in the U.S. is being charged with stealing 130 million credit card numbers from various retailers. If found guilty, he can spend up to 20 years in jail and fined up to $500,000. I wonder how he'll pay for the fine. Hmmmm....


• Some researchers recently have suggested that perhaps strep throat killed Mozart: "By looking at the patterns of death during Mozart's time and combining them with the signs and symptoms of his final disease, we have not one but two pillars on which our theory is built." How about pillar 1 is: he's been dead for 200 years and we don't care. And pillar 2 can be: See pillar 1.


• Reader's Digest is filing for bankruptcy. The filing, sent to New York's Supreme Court came in the form of a recipe.


• Osama Bin Laden's driver came forward and spoke to a newspaper for the first time after being released from Guantanamo Bay. His first comment: "He's a nice guy, but a total asshole when it came to tips. I mean the man never gave me a Christmas bonus. What's up with that?"


• Our Prime Minister watched some of our military conduct exercises in the Arctic today. The exercises consisted of men and women in military fatigues shivering furiously muttering under their breath about it being damn cold.

What I Should Have Known

If I didn't know what I should have known
The thoughts I receive deceive my own.

The dreams are fancy and speak of hope
With wrought-iron future and bound with rope.

Too meek to speak to the one of truth
Seek stamps of approval to provide the proof.

With needs comes wants and wants come bare
Without the prejudice to need to be fair.

Act and want and thought and condone
If I didn't know what I should have known.

Plane Thoughts

I safely returned from my vacation mid-last week. I had an enjoyable time. As I always do on vacation, I took plenty of pictures and spent plenty of time reading.

Also, as I always do, I didn't enjoy my flights too much. I experienced new things, yet again, while flying and I figured it would be important to share it with the general public. Since the general public doesn't read my blog, I'll share it with you instead...and stop staring at me like that.

I did have a couple of issues on the first flight. The Toronto-to-Cleveland leg was a small plane that held only 50 people. As I sat in the terminal looking out the window, I noticed the pilot pointing to one of the tires beneath the plane. Shortly thereafter a mechanic came out and changed the tire. That didn't bother me so much as it made me wonder exactly how they jacked-up the plane to change the tire in the first place. You can't just use a tire iron on that thing, you know.

As it turns out, only 12 people were on the flight. I sat in my assigned seat to find myself jammed up against a wall in front of me with no place to put my carry-on.

The stewardess noticing this announced I could sit anywhere I wanted on the plane since there was so much room. As I got up and turned towards the back of the plane, I noticed everyone else was already seated and now watching me strategically pick out what seat would suit my needs. I sat down again only to discover once again, I had no place to put my carry-on luggage.

"Try another seat, sir," the attendant growled at me.

Ever been in a situation where all eyes are focused on you while you look like an idiot? Yeah, I was having one of those moments.

My third attempt at finding a seat was successful and other than the smattering of applause, I also realized that I had solely and personally delayed the flight an extra 5 minutes. I fully expected to find myself thrown out the door midway through the flight, but somehow I managed to survive the 30 minute flight.

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Is there a glove compartment in the cockpit? There are probably maps in it, just like in a car. "Hmmmmm..." *unfolds map* "Ok, I think we missed turning left by that mountain back there, but if we fly over this big dot labelled Detroit, we should be fine."

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Actually, to be honest, overall, the flights to Miami were just fine -- I had a layover in Cleveland. The pilot was apologetic halfway through the Cleveland-to-Miami leg, apologizing for the "rough ride" we were getting. Oddly enough, the seat belt sign was off, and I could barely tell the plane was bouncing. Perhaps the co-pilot was playing a joke on the captain by kicking his seat on occasion.

*Kick*
Pilot: "Damn, this plane's being knocked around."
Co-pilot: "Sure is!" *Kick*
Pilot: "There it is again. The people in the back must be going nuts."

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I'd love to see a plane that comes with a manual shift gearbox. That'd be really cool. 12 gears. 0 - 500 km/h in 20 seconds. But I hear the clutch is a real bitch.

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The final leg back was rather interesting in its own right. After leaving late by 30 minutes we made up time in the air (once again, how exactly do they do that?!) and landed only 5 minutes late.

I looked out the window and noticed about 10 planes that seemed to be lined up on a jetway in the distance. I figured these were planes in line to take off. I then looked out another window and noticed planes literally scattered on various jetways like someone shouted: "It's 5pm! Time to go home!"

As it turned out, there was a bad storm backing up planes to the point where I was on the tarmac for 90 minutes! (Note, the flight itself was 120 minutes *grumble* *grumble*.)

Given that this was Toronto, I got to experience some Toronto driving, even while in a plane. At one point, the pilot came on to tell us that there might be a shorter line to the gate and then proceeded to pull a U-turn on the jetway. Yes, apparently plans can make U-turns. And no, I don't think he signalled first.

Regardless, I'm home safe and sound -- whatever being "sound" means. No further blogs about planes...until next year.

Pizza, Beer, and Fishing -- Random Thoughts for a Guy

A few more quick thoughts...

• I'm never using that therapist again.. All he did was stand in the corner and didn't say a word. That's the last time I use an anti-social worker.


• Ever order 'extra cheese' on a pizza? How the hell do you know if they've fulfilled the order. I mean if you order double mushrooms, you can see the mushrooms. With cheese? Who the hell knows. And how can you tell the difference between extra cheese and double cheese. Nice scam they have going, eh?


• Actual conversation between husband and wife:

Wife: "I think we have to cut back on our spending. I'm noticing, for example, you're spending a good $25 a week on beer. There's no need for that."

Husband: "Fine. Well hey, I noticed you're spending $65 on makeup. That sounds expensive. You should cut back on that!"

Wife: "I can't. I use that to make myself look all pretty for you, honey."

Husband: "That's what the beer is for."

• What's with the notion of a fishing license. A license to fish? How does that work? Are we concerned about unlicensed fisherman running rampant in our cities and cottage areas? Yes, yes, the money is used to help maintain the environment. But it's a cash grab. An excuse that's supposed to help "control" how and when you fish. You don't need a license for that, just enforcement. If someone's overfishing, I don't care if they have a license or not. If someone's not properly returning certain fish that they catch, is that license meaningful? Of course not.

Do you need a learner's permit first? "For the first year, you can only fish if you're sober; not at night; not in major lakes; and you must be accompanied by a fully licensed fisherman. Oh! And you can only use worms."

From a caught fish: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a valid license before you club me over the head and fry me."

The police screech to a stop at a cottage: "You! With the fishing pole! Drop the pole and worms slowly and take two steps back! How old are you young man? Are you aware you're fishing without a license? Do you even know how to this hook attached to this string and reel? I mean look at how you're using your floater and sinker at the same time on your line. Obviously you have no idea what to do. You're under arrest for operating a fishing pole without a license."

Stop with the license crap. Charge anyone who owns a cottage a flat-rate $20 annual fee in their property taxes for maintaining the lakes. Hell, charge everyone a flat-rate tax when they buy or rent a fishing pole; buy worms; stay at a hotel near a lake. Enough with the license crap.

New Random Thoughts

These thoughts actually came at the same time as the other batch from a few days ago, but I have to space these things out, otherwise I risk people being overcome by disorientation and nausea.

• I used my night table during the day. My end tables heard about it and moved to the middle just to piss me off.
• As reported in the news: A recent study showed that swearing is good for you. In an interview with reporters, researchers commented on the report: "Fuck you."
• I've decided to become a door-to-door buyer. I'm going to go from door-to-door and ask people if I can buy their encyclopedias.
• The White House today announced Obama is going to hold a press conference about how he likes to have press conferences. Has this guy actually been in the White House yet? He's on the road more often than a retired couple with an RV.
• Understatement of the year. As reported in the Toronto Star about a man who partly severed his foot after tumbling into the well of a moving train car. The cop is quoted as saying: "Trespassing, leading to adventure, leading to ouch!" Really, eh? You think as his foot was being cut off, the guy was saying "ouch?" My comment? See the bullet point above regarding swearing.
• Dog collars and shirt collars look nothing alike...and dog collars seem more comfy for some reason. No tie required.

I only listen to music made before 1996. Basically, anything after Ace is Base is off my playlist. I gave up after that. But here are a couple of musical thoughts:

• Can Guns 'N' Roses re-make November Rain so it's only the last 2 minutes?
• Let me know when Alanis Morisette stops being angry.
• Meatloaf: Every song does not have to be 10 minutes long. Learn to summarize.
• Today's dance songs: Take a back beat. Add a single random word. Repeat as desire.
• Will someone on G-d's green earth tell me how MC Hammer ended up with his own show? I'm still waiting for someone to scream "April Fools!"

Random Thoughts

A few thoughts crept into my mind the other day. They crept because random thoughts are sneaky. I need my random thoughts to learn some self-confidence and start walking proudly into my mind. "Here I am! Ta da! A random thought!"

• I think tightrope walkers should have trampolines beneath them. If they fall, they'll damn well bounce right back up there and continue with their act.
• Have you ever taken your umbrella with you somewhere because you heard it was going to rain later, only to walk outside later to find it bright and sunny without a cloud in sight? Everyone's in t-shirts, shorts, hats, sunglasses, and you're the idiot with the umbrella and coat. This is why I hate weathermen.
• Twins are so lucky. If they're dressed right, they never need to use a mirror.
• I love how an "Out of Order" sign taped on a urinal tends to be covered in urine.
• Who do you call if a collection agency refuses to pay their bills?
• There's something mysterious about white Freezies
• Why XXX for porn? What happened to the first two X's? Well wait, there's X-Rays. So that's where the first X went. Hmmmm, not sure about the second X -- I'll have to look that one up.
• Elevators take a lot of commitment. Ever hit the button to go to the wrong floor and there are other people in the elevator? What do you do? You get off at that floor. I pushed 6, so dammit, I'm getting off on the 6th floor. I wonder what's on the 6th floor. Maybe this'll be my lucky day. Maybe they hand out free cheques to people on the 6th floor.

Airplanes

As is my annual tradition, I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. As a part of that tradition, I tend to rant about airplanes and how nervous I am to fly in one. I've decided to take a different approach this year: I've decided to rant about airplanes and debunk some of the well-known myths about them.

The odds of dying in a plane are miniscule compared to dying in a car
...and the odds of me winning the bronze medal for figure skating in the 2010 olympics is also miniscule, but yet, someone still wins the bronze medal, don't they?

Planes rarely breakdown
Car: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. I'll have to pull off to the side of the road."
Plane: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. We'll have to crash in that field. I hope we don't hit a goat."

Planes have strict maintenance controls
I have been on planes where:

• Tape was used to cover a hole in the wing
• An aborted take-off due to the luggage compartment door popping open
• A part was taken out of the cockpit because it wasn't working. While waiting for a new part to arrive, the co-pilot put the broken part back in and it started working again, to which the pilot said: "Hey how'd you do that? Well let's get out of here before it stops working again."

Airlines are reliable

Car: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit, it's in the trunk of the car with my other luggage.

Plane: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit it's with my other luggage on its way to Japan.

You never know what cars around you will do -- you can't be totally safe

Well look at that. Just today it was reported by CNN how a "student" air traffic controller (they have those?!) almost caused two accidents at an airport.

To quote from the article: "This particular trainee had a total of 11 hours of training in the entire month of June. That's less then an hour a day," said Bob Kerr of the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. "He's brand new; he's going to make mistakes."

Ok, a couple of issues:

• Why is someone -- anyone -- with 11 hours of training being allowed to control planes? To put this in perspective, he's had 11 hours more training than me, and I have none.
• Secondly, I have a wee bit of an issue with the word "mistakes". A mistake is not having enough packs of those peanuts to go around. A mistake is -- oops! -- allowing on a bag that won't fit in the overhead bin. I don't think almost having two planes collide is considered a mistake.

So overall, I have a few issues with planes and flying. Yet, I shall continue to risk life and limb and head out on vacation in a few weeks. Knowing my luck, I'll be sitting in the plane watching as they replace one of the plane's tires with that emergency spare you get in cars... "Yeah, this tire will be fine, but don't go too fast with it, eh?"