Saturday, June 25, 2011

Summer Randomness

Hey!  You never read my last post!  I can tell!  You're blushing.  Oh, no, wait, that's a little sunburn.  You need to remember to put on lotion daily.  Geez.

So where was I.  Oh yes, talking to myself.  In any case, it's nice summer is finally here.  This year I decided to plant useful plants in the backyard.  What are useful plants?  These are plants that actually do something, like an apple tree or a venus fly trap.  I've never understood the excitement around having plants just for the sake of having them -- at least up here in Canada.

People get all excited, spend a ton of money buying and then planting flowers in these intricate designs that can only be deciphered from passing jumbo jets at 30,000 feet.  Then...they die.  Winter rolls around and they're dead.  The following year, they're back at it again.  I figured if I'm going to plant something and work my ass at keeping the things alive, they should be willing to pay me back in the form of food. 

Therefore, I planted a strawberries and tomatoes for the very first time.  I must say I'm rather proud of myself simply because the plants are still alive and not angry with me.  The tomato plant is growing like it's a weed to the point where I thought I had embarrassingly purchased weeds instead of a tomato plant.

The strawberry plant is producing strawberries, though not many.  They seem to keep disappearing as if an animal is eating them.  If that's the case, I'm sort of hoping the animal eating them is a turkey because then I can eat the turkey and have some sweet turkey meat.

You know what would be handy?  A salad plant.
  • Where there's a will, there's five relatives and their lawyers.
  • I lost my voice yesterday.  I swear I left it on the counter and a minute later it was gone.  Maybe it's out playing in the bushes.
  • It's always 24/7.  Why is that?  You never hear someone say:  "I feel this way 12/3.5"
  • I finally have a new lease on life!  It's a 4 year lease with a decent buy-back.
  • When I fold my arms, I fold them into a swan. 
  • It's important during the summer that I remain pale.  My technique is to establish a base whiteness first.  Then it's easier to get pale over-top that.
  • I would like to see a skydiver free-falling while jumping on a trampoline beneath them. 
  • During active labour, I think it would be neat to play the theme to Jeopardy in-between contractions
  • I don't want to be warm and fuzzy.  The last thing I saw that was warm and fuzzy was the mold on my bread.
  • I dry my socks by putting my socks on the blades of my ceiling fan. I keep forgetting to turn off the fan when I try to take them down.
  • I gave my pet bird a Twitter account.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.
  • Screw 3 dimensions.  Always go for the 4th, 5th, or 6th dimension.  Better views of the city.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Pre-summer Randomness

I can't believe there are two posts so close together.  I must have an excess of random thoughts!  Either that or I've taken a couple of muscle relaxants for my back pain and it's made me goofy -- one of the two. 

I want to take a moment (but no more than that) to thank each and every one of you for your support in not only reading my blog, but sharing it with others as well!  I'm almost at 4,000 views, which is awesome!  Either I have quite a few followers, or there are two people that keep reading the same posts 2,000 times. 

I did say I'd only spend a moment in thanking you.  If you want more than thanks, like a cookie or something, then I suggest you go to the grocery store and buy yourself one -- after reading my blog.
  • My shovel died.  I'm not sure how to bury it.
  • It is very appropriate that the shuttles retired in Florida.  I can see it now: shuttles driving on the highway with their blinker going for 5 miles.
  • Why do I want to beat someone to the punch?  No, no, you go get punched first.  I'll wait in line for that one, thanks.
  • Apparently there's a postal strike.  I'll have to email my friends about it.  :|
  • The only thing up my alley is a bunch of winos and a cardboard box.
  • Where exactly does one buy sheep's clothing?  I'm interested.  Signed, the wolf.
  • If everyone starts taking a shortcut creating traffic jams every day, it's no longer a shortcut, is it.  This is why I take the long way around -- there's no one taking that route.
  • I firmly believe in mutual trust....But you go first.
  • At a certain threshold you stop having lots of books and become a library.
  • Unknown to many, there were 4 standby dwarfs should any of the original 7 not work out:  Eenie, Meenie, Miney, and Moe
  • Good way to gather the world's population of nerds:  Hold a spelling bee, star trek convention and chess tournament in the same building run by a volunteer lighting and sound crew.
  • Dear Mr. John Edwards:  You cheated on your dying wife.  Jail should be the least of your concerns with regards to where you're going to be going.
  • Dear Mr. Bieber:  Stop showing up in the newspaper.  It is annoying me.  Can you go live in Australia for awhile?  Kthanx.
  • Actual ad for a weightloss support group:  "Have some guts.  Join us today."  -- Isn't that the problem?
He Said, She Said

He says:  I got wasted last night.
What he means:  I slept with someone else and drinking will be my excuse.

She says:  I got wasted last night.
What she means:  You could've slept with me last night if you weren't too busy sleeping around.

He says:  Want to go to the game with me?
What he means:  I want to go to the game with my guy friends.  Please say no.

She says:  Want to go shopping with me?
What she means:  Want to follow me and my girlfriends about 5 feet behind me and carry my bags?