...besides, cold weather means women aren't wearing bikinis. Nothing sexy about a snow suit no matter how you slice it.
- Ever try throwing a single piece of macaroni like a boomerang? Does it come back when thrown? I use them to knock out fleeing potato bugs.
- I've never started a stopwatch. I feel like I'm somehow going against its purpose.
- Is this a rhetorical question?
- It has been determined that the famous video of bigfoot was really just a large, naked Italian man out for a stroll in the woods
- What do you think the Beach Boys song "Good Vibrations" was really about? Read the lyrics again.
- A lot of people = a ton of people. How did we weigh them all? Does this mean few people = 1/2 a ton of people?
- Given how often magicians seem to enjoy being tied up, restrained and handcuffed, you'd think they also run some sort of Fetish Club.
- Mean cows also go cow-tipping.
- Where is this last resort I keep hearing about? Is it in the Caribbean? What if they build one more? Then it will be the next-to-last resort.
- Zookeepers keep zoos. Zookeepers must learn to share. They should be called zoosharers.
- I have yet to find a goose that is silly or loose...or both. How did acting like a clown and being a whore become associated with geese in the first place?
- Histrionics: The history of phonetics.
- News reports are that using your cell phone can cause brain cancer. I'm not too concerned as I'll likely be run over by a truck while using my cell phone long before brain cancer sets in.
- Dear Mr. Zuckerberg: You're rich. That does not make you wise. Please keep your philosophies and advice to yourself. Both me and most animals thank you.
He Said, She Said
What he says: I'll pick you up at 8.
What she thinks: We'll leave at 9.
What she says: We just hung out, watched a movie and stuff.
What she means: Five minutes into the movie, we were naked on the couch fucking. I have no idea what the movie was even about.
What he says: You know I love you.
What he means: I have said something or I am just about to say something you will hate me for.
What she says: That was amazing!
What he hears: She's putty in my hands.
What she means: I can't believe I kept a straight face when he took off his pants.