Sunday, March 6, 2011

Return to the Sleep Clinic

I would've called this The Sleep Clinic, Part Deux, but that would've been a reference to the movie Hot Shots with Charlie Sheen and that would've meant another Charlie Sheen joke.  And no one wants that right now.  He's doing a great job on his own.

Where was I?  Oh yes, the sleep clinic.  (Side note:  Don't you love it how some people can talk and type their thoughts as they happen?  Cool, eh?  If I could only talk in parenthesis as I am now.)  I returned to the sleep clinic last night to confirm whether or not my CPAP machine and mask had done the trick.

For those of you who aren't a part of my cult, last month I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and I began to use a machine and mask that essentially pumped air down my nose and throat to help keep my airway from collapsing.  It's not as dramatic as I just described it, but it can lead to things like heart disease, weight gain, and using parenthesis in blogs.

So I returned to L'Hotel du Snoring (aka The Sleep Clinic) to once again lounge for a few hours in a cozy bedroom with a tv and free wi-fi and then again get wired up to sleep.  I have to tell you something:  for a place that offers wi-fi, you'd think they'd get a sleep machine that doesn't require wires!  Can't they just attach some electrodes that connect to some main computer wirelessly instead of me feeling like a damn puppet?   As you can see, I wouldn't make a good submissive...

My technician, Vlad (let the 'Vlad the Impaler' jokes start), indicated that he'd get me 'hooked up' by midnight.  I started to like the sound of this Vlad dude, until he explained he meant the machine.  I didn't like Vlad anymore. 

He also pointed out where the camera was as well as the speaker and microphone and told me he would not turn either on until the sleep study commenced.  I thanked him and once he left, I laid down on the bed, turned on the tv, got the computer going, and I promptly adjusted myself...a few times.

Around 11pm, he returned to 'hook me up' *grumbles* and while getting all the wires set up, the dude in the room next to me bellows out "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"  He was speaking loudly for the microphone to pick him up but the technician who'd normally answer him was...Vlad.  So Vlad dropped everything and ran to his room.  He was gone for a good 10 minutes or so.  I was picturing the man being helpless, somehow tangled up on the lampshade, dangling from one foot.  When Vlad came back, he never explained what happened, but 10 minutes later, the guy started bellowing again.  Ten minutes after that -- again.

When Vlad returned the third time, I asked him to do me a favour.  Could he just go into the lab and just shock the guy to death. This guy was going to keep me up all night with "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!" over and over.  And would someone get the lampshade out of his room before he hurts himself?

As he was attaching each wire and electrode he seemed to be using some sort of silly putty or glue.  The amount he was using per electrode was ridiculous.  There were these little Mount Everests sprouting out all over my body.  I looked like I had some sort of odd disease.  I got the impression he derived some sort of pleasure by putting so much of the stuff on me.  I wasn't sure if he was going to measure my electrical activity or sculpt.

Finally, I was wired up and I declared I had to pee.  I suddenly felt like a 2-year old.  I was grinning from ear to ear waiting for him to decide whether to slap me or spank me (hey, you have to be into something if you're going to spend your nights attaching wires to people), but he smiled back and told me to go pee.

So I did.  With wires trailing behind me, dangling in front of me, and tangled at my side, I attempted to pee.  I was rather proud of myself managing to hold onto the wires, the box the wires were connected to and peed without missing the toilet or getting the wires wet...much.  I swear to you, even the acrobats from Cirque du Soleil were applauding.

After peeing, I glanced into the mirror and decided to take a picture.  Why?  Because I'm stupid and take stupid pictures of myself.

As you can see, I'm wearing a stylin' shirt with two belts that sit a wee bit above the waist.  Well, no one said I was one for fashion.  I'm not wearing my mask in this picture, but if you look closely at the previous picture (click on it to see a larger version), you'll see the mask and hose that I wore in addition to the lovely wiring set up you see.  Side note:  I was able to pick up CBC in my head.  I probably could've picked up the Buffalo stations but the weather was bad.

I headed to the bed and laid down and the Vlad told me to sleep naturally.  "Oh," he said.  "Do you sleep on your side?  Hmmm, sleep on your back so we can properly test the machine."  Wonderful.  I'll just naturally pretend to sleep on my side.

He shut off the lights and told me he'd be back at 6am to wake me up from my natural sleep.  He announced the video camera and microphone would be turned on and to have a good night.  I stopped adjusting myself.

Ten minutes later:  "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"

The end.


Jupiter_Jazz said...

This was funny!!

But also sounds annoying :\

breakmydreams said...

Oh sounds like a fun night with the person in the next room yelling, "Hello? Hello? Hello?" all night *giggles*