Tuesday, March 29, 2011

March Madness: The Ides of March...plus 13 more days

Hmmmm, something's different here.  Well let's see here:  I got a hair cut...no, that's not it.  I ate sushi...no that's not it.  Oh!  I know!  I changed the look and feel of my blog (mmmm....feeeeeeel).  I hope you like it and if not, well, I suppose that means you won't like it.  If you do like it, then I'm very proud of you for liking anything that I do.

And to anticipate the question:  "Did you take that picture?!"  The answer is yes -- to the one at the top.  No -- to the background.  I know I'm "out there", but I've never left planet Earth.  Well, there was that one time someone slipped something into my drink, but we'll save that for another time.

Also, notice the new "Sharing" icons after each article as well as the top-right.  Now we all learned in kindergarten it's important to share and I want to encourage those feelings.  Share my thoughts with your friends on Facebook or tweet them.  Every time you share, I'll give you a cookie...or...a thank you.  Depends on if you're local or not.

Regardless, enough rambling and time for some random thoughts...
  • The only thing magical about magic markers is they tend to disappear a lot.
  • I'm only interested in pretending to buy a house so I have a fake estate agent
  • There is no such thing as disposable income.  Have you ever found money in the garbage?
  • I'd like to be a massage thief:  I go to massage parlours and steal other people's massages.  "Yeah, I steal for a living, but you know what?  It's kind of relaxing."
  • A little known fact is during a church service, a Bishop can only move diagonally
  • Why are we "rehabbing" animals from zoos and wildlife sanctuaries and sending them back to the wild?  In a zoo they get guaranteed meals each day; treatment for all ailments; applause just for licking themselves; getting to eat drunken people who climb into their enclosures; and absolutely no predators.  Yup, I can just see them lining up to get out. 
  •  Jesus had a great agent.
  • Whenever I see someone cooly take a drag of a cigarette and then blow out smoke rings I think to myself:  "Ooooo, you know how to inhale and exhale concentrated pollution.  I wish I could do that."
  • I'm surprised I don't hear more stories about referees being humped by zebras.
  • Darth Vader should appear in porn movies.  He's already got the breathing part downpat.
  •  I bought a baby monitor to listen to incident that babies are responding to.  So far there haven't been many.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A conversation between the US President and Russian Premier -- in the year 2030

It's the year 2030.  The YouTube and Facebook generation has gotten older and a new US President and a new Russian Premier have just been elected.  Imagine how they might interact.  They decide to introduce themselves...by email.

To:  Russianpremier@russia.com
Subject:  Hey

Hey, it's Colton, the new prez.  Howz it going, dude?  Congrats on the new gig.  Do you get a big house or anything like I got here?  I don't know much about Russia really, but I heard they have vodka and stuff.  Did you ever get drunk off the stuff?  Like *really* drunk?  I bet there's some facebook pics of you that you wish weren't tagged, lol.

Colton, The Prez.

To:  USPres@US.com
Subject:  Re: Hey

Dear Colton.
It's Dirk Spasky here.  Thanks for the quick email.  I just moved in, so I'm not sure how big the place is yet, hehehehe.  Your White House is a bit dirty.  They should call it the Grey House now.  :P  Hey, it's easier to chat.  My nickname is DaPremier42.  Add me.

To:  Russianpremier@russia.com
Subject:   Re:  Re:  Hey

Sure!  I'll meet you on chat in a minute.  What time is it there, anyways.  It's 1130pm here.  It must be really late there!  The time zone difference is, what, 4 hours or something?  My nick is HotPrez69.  Ttys!

...a few minutes later...

HotPrez69:  Yo!  I'm on, are you?
DaPremier42:  Hey!  'Sup!
HotPrez69:  So, I guess we should get serious and go over some stuff.  :|  See?  I'm serious now.  :|
DaPremier42:  Lol, well if you're going to ask me to leave Lithuania alone, I'm not going to.  :P
HotPrez69:   You really should, otherwise we'll get angry and I won't be your friend on Facebook anymore.  :(
DaPremier42:  ROFL!!
HotPrez69:  What?  It's true.  :P
DaPremier42:  Yah, yah, and what are you going to do about leaving Cuba alone.  Castro is actually still alive.  ;)
HotPrez69:  Haha.  A sarcastic premier.  Cute.  Hey, look at this!
*Sends Image*
DaPremier42:  What is that?  Is that your bathroom?  You've got like 10 nozzles in your shower -- too cool.
HotPrez69:  Hey, can I send you this vid I'm going to post on YouTube?  It's me doing a cover of Justin Bieber -- I can't believe he just released his 10th album!
DaPremier42:  Sure, but can you get me tickets to his concert??????
HotPrez69:  LOL.  Sure, if you like my video.  :P  Hey, brb, the wife wants something.
DaPremier42:  kk
HotPrez69:  Back
DaPremier42:  WB.  Hey, you have a cam?  We can Skype if you do. 
HotPrez69:  Thx.  Nah, the wife won't let me have a cam.  I got drunk once and, well...Aw, FML, the wife wants the computer!
DaPremier42:  You don't have more than one?!  You're the president?!
HotPrez69:  We do, but the router isn't set up yet, so I'm stealing wi-fi from next door.
DaPremier42:  Lol, ok.  Ttyt? 
HotPrez69:  Yah, we have to get this Lithuania thing done.  Ok, g2g, ttyl.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Birthday Randomness

This Sunday it's my birthday.  Therefore this weekend will be my birthday weekend full of parties, well-wishers, drunken well-wishers, presents, and a myriad of other events to make my life miserable. 

Miserable?  Yes, miserable (I like answering my own questions -- I always get them right).  I'm turning 40 and that's part of the reason why.  I suppose turning 40 isn't all that bad (shush you, in the back who's laughing!), but I still recall my father's 40th birthday party.  I remember it well and I remember all the "you're getting old" birthday cards and jokes.  It left an impression on me that 40 = old.  My father called the other day:  "So you're turning 40, eh?  Man, that's old!"  That didn't help.

I used to be a shy person, but no longer.  Usually.  I tend to think of myself as an outgoing person, but I get really shy around my birthday.  How come?  (Hmmm, hopefully I know the answer to this one.)  I love being in the spotlight.  Dammit, I'm quirky enough that people tend to stare anyways.  Oh wait, no, they're staring at my nose.  

I like to be in the spotlight upon my own doing.  Hey, look at me, I'm blogging!  Hey look at me, I'm dancing!  Hey look at me, I'm drunk and stumbling onto the street in front of that cop on horseback that now wants to question me for....Ok, wait nevermind that last one. 

But a birthday is different.  I have no control there.  There's no not being in the mood.  Jeff, it's your birthday!  *Spotlight on me as I'm sitting on the toilet, reading the newspaper*.  Uh, oh, hi everyone.  I guess it's my birthday and oh, here's cake.  Can I get off the toilet first?  That'd be great, thanks.

On to some further thoughts...
  • You know you're getting older when there are only two candles on your cake -- one representing each number.
  • The Thesaurus was a dinosaur from the Jurassic period that wore glasses and was picked on by other dinosaurs for being a nerd.
  • Slogan for a sex show:  "The Sex Show:  You Should Cum"
  • I find it weird that most animals have sex doggie-style.  Why isn't it called Animal-Style?  Did dogs truly invent this approach?  Do other animals have to pay dogs a royalty each time they have sex?
  • Never accept an elephant's offer of a blowjob.
  • Mutual funds tend to become friends with other mutual funds through mutual mutual fund friends.
  • My bathroom is ultra-Italian in design.  My towel rack runs vertically.  Shower head?  On the floor of the stall.
  • Potato chips can never rest.  For them, it's always crunch time.
  • Screw the tallest building in the world.  I want to build the lowest building in the world.  That's way more of a challenge.
  • I hate those toilets that have the automatic flush sensors instead of a handle.  You walk into the stall *flush*.  Start to get seated *flush*.  Adjust how you're sitting *flush*.  And finally you stand back up *flush*.  In the meantime, everyone outside of the stall is thinking "Damn!  How much shit has that guy got in him?!"

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Return to the Sleep Clinic

I would've called this The Sleep Clinic, Part Deux, but that would've been a reference to the movie Hot Shots with Charlie Sheen and that would've meant another Charlie Sheen joke.  And no one wants that right now.  He's doing a great job on his own.

Where was I?  Oh yes, the sleep clinic.  (Side note:  Don't you love it how some people can talk and type their thoughts as they happen?  Cool, eh?  If I could only talk in parenthesis as I am now.)  I returned to the sleep clinic last night to confirm whether or not my CPAP machine and mask had done the trick.

For those of you who aren't a part of my cult, last month I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and I began to use a machine and mask that essentially pumped air down my nose and throat to help keep my airway from collapsing.  It's not as dramatic as I just described it, but it can lead to things like heart disease, weight gain, and using parenthesis in blogs.

So I returned to L'Hotel du Snoring (aka The Sleep Clinic) to once again lounge for a few hours in a cozy bedroom with a tv and free wi-fi and then again get wired up to sleep.  I have to tell you something:  for a place that offers wi-fi, you'd think they'd get a sleep machine that doesn't require wires!  Can't they just attach some electrodes that connect to some main computer wirelessly instead of me feeling like a damn puppet?   As you can see, I wouldn't make a good submissive...

My technician, Vlad (let the 'Vlad the Impaler' jokes start), indicated that he'd get me 'hooked up' by midnight.  I started to like the sound of this Vlad dude, until he explained he meant the machine.  I didn't like Vlad anymore. 

He also pointed out where the camera was as well as the speaker and microphone and told me he would not turn either on until the sleep study commenced.  I thanked him and once he left, I laid down on the bed, turned on the tv, got the computer going, and I promptly adjusted myself...a few times.

Around 11pm, he returned to 'hook me up' *grumbles* and while getting all the wires set up, the dude in the room next to me bellows out "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"  He was speaking loudly for the microphone to pick him up but the technician who'd normally answer him was...Vlad.  So Vlad dropped everything and ran to his room.  He was gone for a good 10 minutes or so.  I was picturing the man being helpless, somehow tangled up on the lampshade, dangling from one foot.  When Vlad came back, he never explained what happened, but 10 minutes later, the guy started bellowing again.  Ten minutes after that -- again.

When Vlad returned the third time, I asked him to do me a favour.  Could he just go into the lab and just shock the guy to death. This guy was going to keep me up all night with "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!" over and over.  And would someone get the lampshade out of his room before he hurts himself?

As he was attaching each wire and electrode he seemed to be using some sort of silly putty or glue.  The amount he was using per electrode was ridiculous.  There were these little Mount Everests sprouting out all over my body.  I looked like I had some sort of odd disease.  I got the impression he derived some sort of pleasure by putting so much of the stuff on me.  I wasn't sure if he was going to measure my electrical activity or sculpt.

Finally, I was wired up and I declared I had to pee.  I suddenly felt like a 2-year old.  I was grinning from ear to ear waiting for him to decide whether to slap me or spank me (hey, you have to be into something if you're going to spend your nights attaching wires to people), but he smiled back and told me to go pee.

So I did.  With wires trailing behind me, dangling in front of me, and tangled at my side, I attempted to pee.  I was rather proud of myself managing to hold onto the wires, the box the wires were connected to and peed without missing the toilet or getting the wires wet...much.  I swear to you, even the acrobats from Cirque du Soleil were applauding.

After peeing, I glanced into the mirror and decided to take a picture.  Why?  Because I'm stupid and take stupid pictures of myself.

As you can see, I'm wearing a stylin' shirt with two belts that sit a wee bit above the waist.  Well, no one said I was one for fashion.  I'm not wearing my mask in this picture, but if you look closely at the previous picture (click on it to see a larger version), you'll see the mask and hose that I wore in addition to the lovely wiring set up you see.  Side note:  I was able to pick up CBC in my head.  I probably could've picked up the Buffalo stations but the weather was bad.

I headed to the bed and laid down and the Vlad told me to sleep naturally.  "Oh," he said.  "Do you sleep on your side?  Hmmm, sleep on your back so we can properly test the machine."  Wonderful.  I'll just naturally pretend to sleep on my side.

He shut off the lights and told me he'd be back at 6am to wake me up from my natural sleep.  He announced the video camera and microphone would be turned on and to have a good night.  I stopped adjusting myself.

Ten minutes later:  "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"

The end.

My Report Card....from 1974-75

My mother came across my report card from 1974-75 and happily gave it to me.  I'm happily sharing it, probably because I'm an idiot and enjoy being made fun of.

But I do have to tell you, if you need your silver polished, I'm your guy!

Click on it to see it a little easier.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

March madness

Not only do I offer randomness, I offer some madness as well.  It IS March afterall.  What shall I talk about that might have to do with madness.  Hmmmm...*turns on the tv* -- nope, nothing new or exciting on there...
  • Everytime I see a tub whipped butter I want to tell it not to give up
  • Charlie, I told you:  Shhhhhh!  You had to talk, didn't you.  "I'm on a drug.  It's called Charlie Sheen."  No, no you're not, Charlie.  Try again.
  • And now Charlie Sheen wants to sue CBS for 'mental anguish'.  That's like Hannibal Lecter suing his victims for indigestion.
  • Reports are Charlie Sheen's twitter account set the Guinness World Record for fastest time to gather 1 million followers.  To celebrate, Charlie promptly drank the Guinness.
  • Me visiting a psychic:
*I sit down*
Psychic: *stares*
Me: What?
Psychic: *stares*
Me: What?!
Psychic: You're gonna die within the week. I'll charge you half-price for this session
  • Rather than hearing music when you're on-hold, I think you should hear a recording of someone typing on their computer talking to their colleagues about how they don't want to take the next call.
  • Can someone have a fever in a hot place, like Florida?  How can you tell?  "Hey, I think I have a temp of 102.  Then again, it's 105 outside." 
  • If you get half-baked you can fry your brain. 
  • True story.  A recent dream I had:  Diane Wiest was dressing me up in a ball gown to help 'soften my shoulders' before appearing on a newscast with Colin Mochrie.
  • My plan is coming together, just as I planned.
  • My comb's teeth need to be flossed
  • Where there's smoke...there's me cooking.
  • Heya is for horsesa