Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Some Like It Hot

It's been 3 1/2 weeks since there was any rain.  The current forecast suggests it might rain...on August 1st.  It's July 19th right now.  That could mean 5 1/2 weeks of no rain and since that's a long-range forecast anyways, it's likely to be wrong.  Hell, tomorrow's forecast is likely to be wrong.

At a certain point, does it really matter if it's 103F or 113F?  Can someone really tell the difference at that point?  When it's 103F are there people saying "...well at least it's not 113!"  At a certain point, temperature no longer matters.  The weather forecast should simply be:  "It's fucking hot with no chance of rain," and leave it like that.  Imagine your local weather forecaster saying that during the evening news -- with a smile on their face:  "Thanks, Bob, this weather forecast is brought to you by Gina's Snack And Wrap.  When you need a snack, it's a wrap!  Today's forecast is incredibly fucking hot once again!  Not a cloud in the sky for the next week, folks, so my 7-day forecast remains the same:  Fucking hot times 7.  Back to you, Bob."

Time for another random post of random thoughts and random ideas in a random order.  Just a short one for today, though.
  • My phone died yesterday.   Where do people put phones once they die?  Is there a ceremony first?  I put mine in my garden with a little headstone:  Sony Ericsson  c. 2011-2011.  May it ring in peace.
  • I've always found it odd that I dispense with advice.  Doesn't that sound like it's just something I'm trying to get rid of?  "I have this bullshit advice stuck in my head.  If I could only get rid of it.  Hey!  Bob!  Want some advice?"
  • Support bra:  "Come on, boobs, you can do it!  Hang in there!"
  • People who are not the centre of attention are considered to be off-centre of attention.
  • In order to reduce the amount of NIMBY-ism, from now on, all major projects will be constructed in front of houses.
  • Elephant toilet paper must be massive!
  • The hypnotists' union always seem to win their contract negotiations. 
  • You're driving along a roadway and some complete stranger actually tries to flag you down so they can hop in your car.  Would you pick them up?  Of course not.  Now think of what cab drivers do daily.
  • Unstable people should randomly display a Blue Screen of Death in the middle of a conversation
  • Wouldn't it be cool if all drugs came in the form of gummi bears?  No more injections, pills, or IVs!  "He's having a heart attack!  Quick, get me two red and three green gummis, stat!"
  • When I hear that it's so hot out, you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, I don't get it.  If it's that hot, why just fry an egg?  Let's go all out!  Give me a steak, some potatoes and maybe some asparagus -- just to be healthy.
  • Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you try hard enough

Monday, July 11, 2011

My Butt

Warning: Graphic content. This is a story about my butt and the contents thereof. Viewer discretion is advised.

Editor’s note: This actually happened in December, 2009, but was not posted on my regular blog as originally intended. Since then, the story has always sat in the back of my mind waiting for the right time to be shared.

Editor’s note: I do not have an editor. I just like to write things in italics.

Back in October of 2009, my doc said to me some words that immediately frightened me and sent a shock down my spine: “Jeff, you’re getting old.” After I finished weeping, she told me she felt I should go for a colonoscopy. After she revived me with smelling salts, she told me she thought it would be important as part of my “thorough exam”.

Apparently “thorough exam” means they check every hole your body has to offer to see what’s inside. Thank goodness she forgot about one, otherwise I likely would’ve lopped the thing off and said “Here, it’s yours. Look at it all you want.”

For those of you who don’t know, a colonoscopy is where they take an instrument approximately three times wider than the diameter of your anus and attempt to shove it up your butt while telling you to relax so they can see your colon – because apparently the colon is a very exciting thing to view for some people.

After getting the appointment set up for mid-December, I wanted to know more about the procedure, so I started asking around. But it’s a little difficult to say “Hey, Frank. Yeah, how are you? How’s the wife? Oh that’s cool. The kids? Oh that’s awesome. Listen, Frank, you have had someone shove a tube up your butt before? Frank? Frank, you there? No, no, don’t get the wife, it’s not a threesome sort of thing. I meant at the doctor’s office. No, no, don’t tell your wife to put on a nurse’s uniform, you’re not understanding me…”

I ended up having two “assessments” prior to the actual procedure. The first one was a little unnerving. I was first greeted by a lovely nurse who asked me about my height and weight – why, I’m not sure. “Oh, you’re 200 lbs? Ok, so you have a big butt. And you’re 6’0”. Ok, so we’ll need a longer tube…”

After she got my measurements, I was shuttled off to a doctor who essentially asked me how I was feeling – only it took him 20 minutes-worth of questions to ask me. He filled out a form while I answered his questions. After completing the form he told me to take it to another doctor who welcomed me and asked me why I was there.

I was a little stunned by the question and silently handed him the form. He read it over, smiled, and told me I’d made the right decision. I didn’t realize I had a choice! He also seemed a little too happy that I’d chosen to go through this procedure.

He then explained how the procedure would work and if I had any questions. I did ask why I had to see a nurse, two doctors and it would be performed by yet another doctor. He stared at me blankly and wished me luck. You know when you accidentally insult your waiter and you wonder if he’ll spit in his soup? At that moment, I was very concerned the doctor would spit in my soup.


The night before I had the pleasure of having to clean out my system. Now let me explain to you what this meant. It meant trying to get rid of any type of food or liquid that might be lurking in, oh, I don’t know…your entire digestive system? Before they shoved a scope up my butt, they didn’t want to encounter anything coming towards them in the opposite direction. Apparently, even a low-speed collision in the lower intestinal tract would be dangerous and lord knows you can’t send in a mechanic for repairs on the probe. So I had to do a few things to wipe out any evidence of sustenance.

I had to take -- I hope you’re sitting down for this, as I had to – four Dulcolax pills up front. Give myself about 30 minutes for those to kick in and then I had to make these wonderful shake-like drinks using a system called – wait for it – Klean-Prep. Seriously. Now If you’re not sure what Klean-Prep does to your system, imagine taking one of those high-pressure power washers – you know, the kind you’d use to clean dirt off of bricks? – and shove it down your throat. And turn it on.

I’m quite sure Klean-Prep was some concoction invented by some sadist during a play session. First, it allegedly claimed to have a flavour – vanilla. Let me tell you, if this is what they call vanilla, they could have used it to torture the intimates at Guantanamo Bay and gotten Osama bin Laden about 10 years earlier than they did. Secondly, I had to drink 4 litres of the stuff over the course of 80 minutes! Four litres of any liquid is not a good thing. Hell, my car doesn’t go through 4 litres in 80 minutes.

Let’s just say I sat comfortably on the toilet seat for much of the night while about a year’s-worth of food came jettisoning out of my body at speeds that caused a sonic boom as it entered the toilet bowl. I’m pretty sure stuff came out that I hadn’t even eaten yet. I tested the capacity of the neighbourhood’s sewer system and while I can say it passed with flying colours, I think the bathroom fan gave up trying to clear the air within the first 10 minutes. Finally, 80 minutes and about 10 pounds later, I declared myself done. Unfortunately, it took my bowels about 3 more hours to reach the same conclusion.


Finally, the day arrived. I actually had to bust my butt to get there (pun intended) because of a bad snow storm. A friend travelled with me since there was a possibility they’d have to knock me out for the procedure. As she parked the car, I went up and got situated.

I was actually nervous, but not nervous about the procedure itself. What if there’s still stuff in me? What if my colon isn’t truly clean? I’ll be so ashamed! My family will disown me! Yes, we used to have a son named Jeff until that shameful day where the doctor found a half-eaten grape in his colon. That was the last straw!

I was ushered into the office by a beautiful nurse who explained to me who sat me down on a bed in front of a monitor where apparently I’d have my own, wonderful view of my colon. I had a choice of being given a light sedative, being knocked out, or nothing at all. If I was given nothing, I could leave right after the 15 minute procedure was over, otherwise I’d be in recovery for an hour and then I’d be let out. I opted to try it without any form of anesthesia. I figured, hey, if I can stay up and watch the Colon Channel, starring me, I should. How many times can a person say they got to see their own colon? Then again, how many people would actually care to?

While she was explaining this to me, I noticed a sudden wave of pressure forming in my bowels. I panicked. There was something left inside of me! The doctor will see this! I will be an outcast. I began forming my plans of moving to Lithuania. I meekly mentioned to the nurse that it felt like I had to go to the washroom and she calmly told me it was normal and not to worry, the unit had “powerful suction” to take care of any remaining liquid inside of me. This was likely the first and only time to think of “powerful suction” and “my butt” in the same thought and actually be excited about it.

The doctor wandered in at this point and without introduction he casually told me to take off my pants, underwear, lay on my left side and to curl up my legs and at which time, he’ll start to insert a rubber-like hose up, into my colon. Without missing a beat, I replied with: “Whoa! Flashback to my last date!” The nurse laughed. The doctor stared at me. My thoughts of him spitting into my soup came back.

To make what’s turned into an extremely long story short (too late, Jeff!) I did not need to be knocked out. I got to see my own, clean colon as the doctor gave me a tour of my insides. While I was trying to breathe through the relatively light discomfort, the doctor kept asking me questions, breaking my concentration. I seriously wanted strangle him, or in lieu of that, fart on his probe. I suddenly felt like I was in labour and he was the husband pestering me with comments like “its ok, honey. I’m sure the pain isn’t that bad.”

He declared my colon to be clean and tidy. Gave it a buff and polish while he was at it and told me I was free to go and reminded me to wait until he removed the probe first. I wasn’t concerned I’d forget.

I walked out to see my friend had just sat down after taking 15 minutes to find a parking spot. Boy, was she pissed! She told me to shove it up my butt. I told her it’d been done.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Summer Randomness

Hey!  You never read my last post!  I can tell!  You're blushing.  Oh, no, wait, that's a little sunburn.  You need to remember to put on lotion daily.  Geez.

So where was I.  Oh yes, talking to myself.  In any case, it's nice summer is finally here.  This year I decided to plant useful plants in the backyard.  What are useful plants?  These are plants that actually do something, like an apple tree or a venus fly trap.  I've never understood the excitement around having plants just for the sake of having them -- at least up here in Canada.

People get all excited, spend a ton of money buying and then planting flowers in these intricate designs that can only be deciphered from passing jumbo jets at 30,000 feet.  Then...they die.  Winter rolls around and they're dead.  The following year, they're back at it again.  I figured if I'm going to plant something and work my ass at keeping the things alive, they should be willing to pay me back in the form of food. 

Therefore, I planted a strawberries and tomatoes for the very first time.  I must say I'm rather proud of myself simply because the plants are still alive and not angry with me.  The tomato plant is growing like it's a weed to the point where I thought I had embarrassingly purchased weeds instead of a tomato plant.

The strawberry plant is producing strawberries, though not many.  They seem to keep disappearing as if an animal is eating them.  If that's the case, I'm sort of hoping the animal eating them is a turkey because then I can eat the turkey and have some sweet turkey meat.

You know what would be handy?  A salad plant.
  • Where there's a will, there's five relatives and their lawyers.
  • I lost my voice yesterday.  I swear I left it on the counter and a minute later it was gone.  Maybe it's out playing in the bushes.
  • It's always 24/7.  Why is that?  You never hear someone say:  "I feel this way 12/3.5"
  • I finally have a new lease on life!  It's a 4 year lease with a decent buy-back.
  • When I fold my arms, I fold them into a swan. 
  • It's important during the summer that I remain pale.  My technique is to establish a base whiteness first.  Then it's easier to get pale over-top that.
  • I would like to see a skydiver free-falling while jumping on a trampoline beneath them. 
  • During active labour, I think it would be neat to play the theme to Jeopardy in-between contractions
  • I don't want to be warm and fuzzy.  The last thing I saw that was warm and fuzzy was the mold on my bread.
  • I dry my socks by putting my socks on the blades of my ceiling fan. I keep forgetting to turn off the fan when I try to take them down.
  • I gave my pet bird a Twitter account.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.
  • Screw 3 dimensions.  Always go for the 4th, 5th, or 6th dimension.  Better views of the city.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Pre-summer Randomness

I can't believe there are two posts so close together.  I must have an excess of random thoughts!  Either that or I've taken a couple of muscle relaxants for my back pain and it's made me goofy -- one of the two. 

I want to take a moment (but no more than that) to thank each and every one of you for your support in not only reading my blog, but sharing it with others as well!  I'm almost at 4,000 views, which is awesome!  Either I have quite a few followers, or there are two people that keep reading the same posts 2,000 times. 

I did say I'd only spend a moment in thanking you.  If you want more than thanks, like a cookie or something, then I suggest you go to the grocery store and buy yourself one -- after reading my blog.
  • My shovel died.  I'm not sure how to bury it.
  • It is very appropriate that the shuttles retired in Florida.  I can see it now: shuttles driving on the highway with their blinker going for 5 miles.
  • Why do I want to beat someone to the punch?  No, no, you go get punched first.  I'll wait in line for that one, thanks.
  • Apparently there's a postal strike.  I'll have to email my friends about it.  :|
  • The only thing up my alley is a bunch of winos and a cardboard box.
  • Where exactly does one buy sheep's clothing?  I'm interested.  Signed, the wolf.
  • If everyone starts taking a shortcut creating traffic jams every day, it's no longer a shortcut, is it.  This is why I take the long way around -- there's no one taking that route.
  • I firmly believe in mutual trust....But you go first.
  • At a certain threshold you stop having lots of books and become a library.
  • Unknown to many, there were 4 standby dwarfs should any of the original 7 not work out:  Eenie, Meenie, Miney, and Moe
  • Good way to gather the world's population of nerds:  Hold a spelling bee, star trek convention and chess tournament in the same building run by a volunteer lighting and sound crew.
  • Dear Mr. John Edwards:  You cheated on your dying wife.  Jail should be the least of your concerns with regards to where you're going to be going.
  • Dear Mr. Bieber:  Stop showing up in the newspaper.  It is annoying me.  Can you go live in Australia for awhile?  Kthanx.
  • Actual ad for a weightloss support group:  "Have some guts.  Join us today."  -- Isn't that the problem?
He Said, She Said

He says:  I got wasted last night.
What he means:  I slept with someone else and drinking will be my excuse.

She says:  I got wasted last night.
What she means:  You could've slept with me last night if you weren't too busy sleeping around.

He says:  Want to go to the game with me?
What he means:  I want to go to the game with my guy friends.  Please say no.

She says:  Want to go shopping with me?
What she means:  Want to follow me and my girlfriends about 5 feet behind me and carry my bags?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May or May Not Randomness

Here we are at the end of May and finally spring rolled in -- in the form of summer.  It's feeling like 40C (100F) here today with another few days of heat.  I like it.  I'm all for it.  For those of you who enjoy the cold, I only ask one thing:  What drug are you on?  And don't give me some b.s. about how wonderful skiing is or how pretty the trees look.  Any type of weather that causes snot to freeze on my face is not a good thing, people! 

...besides, cold weather means women aren't wearing bikinis.  Nothing sexy about a snow suit no matter how you slice it.

  • Ever try throwing a single piece of macaroni like a boomerang?  Does it come back when thrown?  I use them to knock out fleeing potato bugs.
  • I've never started a stopwatch.  I feel like I'm somehow going against its purpose.
  • Is this a rhetorical question?
  • It has been determined that the famous video of bigfoot was really just a large, naked Italian man out for a stroll in the woods
  • What do you think the Beach Boys song "Good Vibrations" was really about?  Read the lyrics again.
  • A lot of people = a ton of people.  How did we weigh them all?  Does this mean few people = 1/2 a ton of people?
  • Given how often magicians seem to enjoy being tied up, restrained and handcuffed, you'd think they also run some sort of Fetish Club.
  • Mean cows also go cow-tipping.
  • Where is this last resort I keep hearing about?  Is it in the Caribbean?  What if they build one more?  Then it will be the next-to-last resort.
  • Zookeepers keep zoos.  Zookeepers must learn to share.  They should be called zoosharers.
  • I have yet to find a goose that is silly or loose...or both.  How did acting like a clown and being a whore become associated with geese in the first place?
  • Histrionics:  The history of phonetics.
  • News reports are that using your cell phone can cause brain cancer.  I'm not too concerned as I'll likely be run over by a truck while using my cell phone long before brain cancer sets in.
  • Dear Mr. Zuckerberg:  You're rich.  That does not make you wise.  Please keep your philosophies and advice to yourself. Both me and most animals thank you.

He Said, She Said
What he says:  I'll pick you up at 8.
What she thinks:  We'll leave at 9.

What she says:  We just hung out, watched a movie and stuff.
What she means:  Five minutes into the movie, we were naked on the couch fucking.  I have no idea what the movie was even about.

What he says:  You know I love you.
What he means:  I have said something or I am just about to say something you will hate me for.

What she says:  That was amazing!
What he hears:  She's putty in my hands.
What she means:  I can't believe I kept a straight face when he took off his pants.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

May Randomness

Editor's Note:  Please see the post below for a more serious update

Well it's been a rough month or so (see note above to direct you to blog below which will then bring you back here where you can then continue -- I'm just cool like that).  In turn, I've taken some time off from random thoughts and thinking in general.  This is my first post since the accident so be nice.  Odd that my brain so easily shuts off like that.  You'd think I'm a man or something...

  • It's odd that pain killers don't hurt given that something is being killed.  It certainly sounds painful.
  • The way gas prices are rising, soon it'll be cheaper to just buy a new car fully gassed up and just throw out your old car.
  • Is it weird that call centre job interviews are done in person instead of over the phone?
  • Why is it that people are deathly afraid of spiders, but not octopii?  You never hear anyone complaining about being scared of them.  Aren't they just bigger versions of spiders living in the water?  That'd creep my out way more.
  • If one goes off on a tangent, what were the on in the first place?
  • Be true to yourself.  Be false to others.
  • I bought 2-D glasses.  Now everything is skinny and flat.
  • Dear Mr. Trump:  Shut up.
  • Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger:  Not every body part deserves a workout.  And when it does, stop using a spotter.
  • Dear Ms. Lohan:  Please tell me this is all just "research" for a new role where you play a stupid defendant that keeps fucking up her life doing stupid things.
  • Dear Mr. bin Laden:  I've got a package for you.  Air mail.  Mind if I drop in?
He said, she said

She says: We're just friends.
What he hears: I'll never fuck you.

She says publicly: We're just friends.
What he hears: No one in this group will have sex with me.

He says: Let's go out for dinner
What he's thinking: Afterwards, hopefully I'll get laid
What she's thinking: *Sigh*, he wants to get laid

She says: I'm hungry
What he's thinking: So make yourself something to eat!
What she's thinking: The bastard better take me out for dinner

She says: We need to talk
What she means:  You need to listen
He says: We need to talk
What he means:  I need to go out drinking tonight, and I want to bribe you with something first.

She says: Let's go for a walk
What he hears: I want to isolate you from any and all possible distractions so we can talk

She says: Let's get a dog!
What she means: I need you out of the house at least 1 hour each day so I won't go insane

Random Update -- Car accident

Editor's note:  This will be a serious blog post.  See the post above (the more recent post) for a lighter, funnier blog post.

Second editor's note:  I have an editor?!

It's been awhile since I posted an update.  But this time, I have an excuse!  (Normally, I don't, other than sheer laziness or someone's borrowing my brain for a week.) 

On April 6th, 2011, I was in a car accident on a local highway.  Essentially, an F-150 pickup truck rear-ended me (actually, rear-ended my car), and both me and the car suffered damage.  In total, there was about $6700-worth of damage to the car and a moderate whiplash for me, which translated into back pain, neck pain, and some cognitive issues.

It's not well known that whiplash can cause a variety of cognitive issues such as forgetfulness, irritability, depression, confusion, malaise (wtf is malaise?  sounds like some sort of cheese spread!), sleep issues, headaches, and forgetfulness.  My doctor explained this to me, and ironically I found her explanation to be irritating.  Unfortunately, other than sleeping issues (I already acquired some of those beforehand in anticipation), I did and continue to suffer from some of the cognitive issues bestowed upon me in the crash.

I found it somewhat ironic that within 24 hours my insurance company had taken care of my truck -- arranged for a repair shop to fix it; approved all bills with nothing out-of-pocket for me; determined I was not at fault; and arranged for a rental car.

Six weeks after the accident I received a notice in the mail that coverage for my whiplash and physical issues have been approved.  :|  Well geez, thanks for the timely response there.  At least I have my car back to drive to the doctor! 

Describing what's happened to me physically is easy:  lower back pain, upper back and shoulder pain, neck stiffness and range-of-motion issues.  Describing what's happened to me mentally is more difficult.  When I'm in a very stressful situation (i.e. flying -- see my blog posts about it as they're quite amusing), I raise up this inner wall inside my head.  On the outside of this wall, I'm functioning and doing whatever I need to do, but without the emotions or stress because nothing reaches the other side of the wall.  On the inside, my inner-voice and thoughts continue uninhibited or disturbed by the outside stress.  Once the stress is over, the wall goes down and I'm fine as nothing got in or out.

After the car accident, that wall went up -- without me controlling it.  Imagine this wall being up where things aren't getting in (i.e. new things that I cannot remember later), nor are things getting out (trying to remember something from the previous day...or random thoughts for my blog).  It was a very frustrating time as sometimes this wall would lower itself a bit or shoot up and block things entirely.  I was aware the wall was there.  I was aware that I was forgetting things I should know or remember.  I was aware that I was confused about something I had no business in being confused, yet there was nothing I could do about it.

After 6 weeks, I'm mostly better now.  There's still some back pain, and I'm still easily confused (though that was the case before the accident anyways), but for the most part, my wall is back down, though I cannot claim to have control over it yet.  This is good news as I'm happier, nicer, not depressed, and it means I can write lengthy, serious blog posts that are somewhat boring to read.

But this is also an opportunity to thank my friends and family for their support over the past 6 weeks.  I've been a "challenge" to them, to put things diplomatically, and they've put up with me, supported me, encouraged me, and occasionally told me to fuck off -- all of which is much appreciated. 

So a thank you to all those who helped.  You know who you are.  Raise your hand if you think it was you.  Yup, that's about right, though not you, sir.  Who the hell are you? 

I think it's time to return to some random thoughts...in my next post. 

P.S.  Yes, I know on the third paragraph I put 'forgetfulness' twice.  It was meant as a joke, so please do not call my neurologist.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

March Madness: The Ides of March...plus 13 more days

Hmmmm, something's different here.  Well let's see here:  I got a hair cut...no, that's not it.  I ate sushi...no that's not it.  Oh!  I know!  I changed the look and feel of my blog (mmmm....feeeeeeel).  I hope you like it and if not, well, I suppose that means you won't like it.  If you do like it, then I'm very proud of you for liking anything that I do.

And to anticipate the question:  "Did you take that picture?!"  The answer is yes -- to the one at the top.  No -- to the background.  I know I'm "out there", but I've never left planet Earth.  Well, there was that one time someone slipped something into my drink, but we'll save that for another time.

Also, notice the new "Sharing" icons after each article as well as the top-right.  Now we all learned in kindergarten it's important to share and I want to encourage those feelings.  Share my thoughts with your friends on Facebook or tweet them.  Every time you share, I'll give you a cookie...or...a thank you.  Depends on if you're local or not.

Regardless, enough rambling and time for some random thoughts...
  • The only thing magical about magic markers is they tend to disappear a lot.
  • I'm only interested in pretending to buy a house so I have a fake estate agent
  • There is no such thing as disposable income.  Have you ever found money in the garbage?
  • I'd like to be a massage thief:  I go to massage parlours and steal other people's massages.  "Yeah, I steal for a living, but you know what?  It's kind of relaxing."
  • A little known fact is during a church service, a Bishop can only move diagonally
  • Why are we "rehabbing" animals from zoos and wildlife sanctuaries and sending them back to the wild?  In a zoo they get guaranteed meals each day; treatment for all ailments; applause just for licking themselves; getting to eat drunken people who climb into their enclosures; and absolutely no predators.  Yup, I can just see them lining up to get out. 
  •  Jesus had a great agent.
  • Whenever I see someone cooly take a drag of a cigarette and then blow out smoke rings I think to myself:  "Ooooo, you know how to inhale and exhale concentrated pollution.  I wish I could do that."
  • I'm surprised I don't hear more stories about referees being humped by zebras.
  • Darth Vader should appear in porn movies.  He's already got the breathing part downpat.
  •  I bought a baby monitor to listen to incident that babies are responding to.  So far there haven't been many.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A conversation between the US President and Russian Premier -- in the year 2030

It's the year 2030.  The YouTube and Facebook generation has gotten older and a new US President and a new Russian Premier have just been elected.  Imagine how they might interact.  They decide to introduce themselves...by email.

To:  Russianpremier@russia.com
Subject:  Hey

Hey, it's Colton, the new prez.  Howz it going, dude?  Congrats on the new gig.  Do you get a big house or anything like I got here?  I don't know much about Russia really, but I heard they have vodka and stuff.  Did you ever get drunk off the stuff?  Like *really* drunk?  I bet there's some facebook pics of you that you wish weren't tagged, lol.

Colton, The Prez.

To:  USPres@US.com
Subject:  Re: Hey

Dear Colton.
It's Dirk Spasky here.  Thanks for the quick email.  I just moved in, so I'm not sure how big the place is yet, hehehehe.  Your White House is a bit dirty.  They should call it the Grey House now.  :P  Hey, it's easier to chat.  My nickname is DaPremier42.  Add me.

To:  Russianpremier@russia.com
Subject:   Re:  Re:  Hey

Sure!  I'll meet you on chat in a minute.  What time is it there, anyways.  It's 1130pm here.  It must be really late there!  The time zone difference is, what, 4 hours or something?  My nick is HotPrez69.  Ttys!

...a few minutes later...

HotPrez69:  Yo!  I'm on, are you?
DaPremier42:  Hey!  'Sup!
HotPrez69:  So, I guess we should get serious and go over some stuff.  :|  See?  I'm serious now.  :|
DaPremier42:  Lol, well if you're going to ask me to leave Lithuania alone, I'm not going to.  :P
HotPrez69:   You really should, otherwise we'll get angry and I won't be your friend on Facebook anymore.  :(
DaPremier42:  ROFL!!
HotPrez69:  What?  It's true.  :P
DaPremier42:  Yah, yah, and what are you going to do about leaving Cuba alone.  Castro is actually still alive.  ;)
HotPrez69:  Haha.  A sarcastic premier.  Cute.  Hey, look at this!
*Sends Image*
DaPremier42:  What is that?  Is that your bathroom?  You've got like 10 nozzles in your shower -- too cool.
HotPrez69:  Hey, can I send you this vid I'm going to post on YouTube?  It's me doing a cover of Justin Bieber -- I can't believe he just released his 10th album!
DaPremier42:  Sure, but can you get me tickets to his concert??????
HotPrez69:  LOL.  Sure, if you like my video.  :P  Hey, brb, the wife wants something.
DaPremier42:  kk
HotPrez69:  Back
DaPremier42:  WB.  Hey, you have a cam?  We can Skype if you do. 
HotPrez69:  Thx.  Nah, the wife won't let me have a cam.  I got drunk once and, well...Aw, FML, the wife wants the computer!
DaPremier42:  You don't have more than one?!  You're the president?!
HotPrez69:  We do, but the router isn't set up yet, so I'm stealing wi-fi from next door.
DaPremier42:  Lol, ok.  Ttyt? 
HotPrez69:  Yah, we have to get this Lithuania thing done.  Ok, g2g, ttyl.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Birthday Randomness

This Sunday it's my birthday.  Therefore this weekend will be my birthday weekend full of parties, well-wishers, drunken well-wishers, presents, and a myriad of other events to make my life miserable. 

Miserable?  Yes, miserable (I like answering my own questions -- I always get them right).  I'm turning 40 and that's part of the reason why.  I suppose turning 40 isn't all that bad (shush you, in the back who's laughing!), but I still recall my father's 40th birthday party.  I remember it well and I remember all the "you're getting old" birthday cards and jokes.  It left an impression on me that 40 = old.  My father called the other day:  "So you're turning 40, eh?  Man, that's old!"  That didn't help.

I used to be a shy person, but no longer.  Usually.  I tend to think of myself as an outgoing person, but I get really shy around my birthday.  How come?  (Hmmm, hopefully I know the answer to this one.)  I love being in the spotlight.  Dammit, I'm quirky enough that people tend to stare anyways.  Oh wait, no, they're staring at my nose.  

I like to be in the spotlight upon my own doing.  Hey, look at me, I'm blogging!  Hey look at me, I'm dancing!  Hey look at me, I'm drunk and stumbling onto the street in front of that cop on horseback that now wants to question me for....Ok, wait nevermind that last one. 

But a birthday is different.  I have no control there.  There's no not being in the mood.  Jeff, it's your birthday!  *Spotlight on me as I'm sitting on the toilet, reading the newspaper*.  Uh, oh, hi everyone.  I guess it's my birthday and oh, here's cake.  Can I get off the toilet first?  That'd be great, thanks.

On to some further thoughts...
  • You know you're getting older when there are only two candles on your cake -- one representing each number.
  • The Thesaurus was a dinosaur from the Jurassic period that wore glasses and was picked on by other dinosaurs for being a nerd.
  • Slogan for a sex show:  "The Sex Show:  You Should Cum"
  • I find it weird that most animals have sex doggie-style.  Why isn't it called Animal-Style?  Did dogs truly invent this approach?  Do other animals have to pay dogs a royalty each time they have sex?
  • Never accept an elephant's offer of a blowjob.
  • Mutual funds tend to become friends with other mutual funds through mutual mutual fund friends.
  • My bathroom is ultra-Italian in design.  My towel rack runs vertically.  Shower head?  On the floor of the stall.
  • Potato chips can never rest.  For them, it's always crunch time.
  • Screw the tallest building in the world.  I want to build the lowest building in the world.  That's way more of a challenge.
  • I hate those toilets that have the automatic flush sensors instead of a handle.  You walk into the stall *flush*.  Start to get seated *flush*.  Adjust how you're sitting *flush*.  And finally you stand back up *flush*.  In the meantime, everyone outside of the stall is thinking "Damn!  How much shit has that guy got in him?!"

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Return to the Sleep Clinic

I would've called this The Sleep Clinic, Part Deux, but that would've been a reference to the movie Hot Shots with Charlie Sheen and that would've meant another Charlie Sheen joke.  And no one wants that right now.  He's doing a great job on his own.

Where was I?  Oh yes, the sleep clinic.  (Side note:  Don't you love it how some people can talk and type their thoughts as they happen?  Cool, eh?  If I could only talk in parenthesis as I am now.)  I returned to the sleep clinic last night to confirm whether or not my CPAP machine and mask had done the trick.

For those of you who aren't a part of my cult, last month I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and I began to use a machine and mask that essentially pumped air down my nose and throat to help keep my airway from collapsing.  It's not as dramatic as I just described it, but it can lead to things like heart disease, weight gain, and using parenthesis in blogs.

So I returned to L'Hotel du Snoring (aka The Sleep Clinic) to once again lounge for a few hours in a cozy bedroom with a tv and free wi-fi and then again get wired up to sleep.  I have to tell you something:  for a place that offers wi-fi, you'd think they'd get a sleep machine that doesn't require wires!  Can't they just attach some electrodes that connect to some main computer wirelessly instead of me feeling like a damn puppet?   As you can see, I wouldn't make a good submissive...

My technician, Vlad (let the 'Vlad the Impaler' jokes start), indicated that he'd get me 'hooked up' by midnight.  I started to like the sound of this Vlad dude, until he explained he meant the machine.  I didn't like Vlad anymore. 

He also pointed out where the camera was as well as the speaker and microphone and told me he would not turn either on until the sleep study commenced.  I thanked him and once he left, I laid down on the bed, turned on the tv, got the computer going, and I promptly adjusted myself...a few times.

Around 11pm, he returned to 'hook me up' *grumbles* and while getting all the wires set up, the dude in the room next to me bellows out "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"  He was speaking loudly for the microphone to pick him up but the technician who'd normally answer him was...Vlad.  So Vlad dropped everything and ran to his room.  He was gone for a good 10 minutes or so.  I was picturing the man being helpless, somehow tangled up on the lampshade, dangling from one foot.  When Vlad came back, he never explained what happened, but 10 minutes later, the guy started bellowing again.  Ten minutes after that -- again.

When Vlad returned the third time, I asked him to do me a favour.  Could he just go into the lab and just shock the guy to death. This guy was going to keep me up all night with "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!" over and over.  And would someone get the lampshade out of his room before he hurts himself?

As he was attaching each wire and electrode he seemed to be using some sort of silly putty or glue.  The amount he was using per electrode was ridiculous.  There were these little Mount Everests sprouting out all over my body.  I looked like I had some sort of odd disease.  I got the impression he derived some sort of pleasure by putting so much of the stuff on me.  I wasn't sure if he was going to measure my electrical activity or sculpt.

Finally, I was wired up and I declared I had to pee.  I suddenly felt like a 2-year old.  I was grinning from ear to ear waiting for him to decide whether to slap me or spank me (hey, you have to be into something if you're going to spend your nights attaching wires to people), but he smiled back and told me to go pee.

So I did.  With wires trailing behind me, dangling in front of me, and tangled at my side, I attempted to pee.  I was rather proud of myself managing to hold onto the wires, the box the wires were connected to and peed without missing the toilet or getting the wires wet...much.  I swear to you, even the acrobats from Cirque du Soleil were applauding.

After peeing, I glanced into the mirror and decided to take a picture.  Why?  Because I'm stupid and take stupid pictures of myself.

As you can see, I'm wearing a stylin' shirt with two belts that sit a wee bit above the waist.  Well, no one said I was one for fashion.  I'm not wearing my mask in this picture, but if you look closely at the previous picture (click on it to see a larger version), you'll see the mask and hose that I wore in addition to the lovely wiring set up you see.  Side note:  I was able to pick up CBC in my head.  I probably could've picked up the Buffalo stations but the weather was bad.

I headed to the bed and laid down and the Vlad told me to sleep naturally.  "Oh," he said.  "Do you sleep on your side?  Hmmm, sleep on your back so we can properly test the machine."  Wonderful.  I'll just naturally pretend to sleep on my side.

He shut off the lights and told me he'd be back at 6am to wake me up from my natural sleep.  He announced the video camera and microphone would be turned on and to have a good night.  I stopped adjusting myself.

Ten minutes later:  "Hello!  Hello?  Hello!"

The end.

My Report Card....from 1974-75

My mother came across my report card from 1974-75 and happily gave it to me.  I'm happily sharing it, probably because I'm an idiot and enjoy being made fun of.

But I do have to tell you, if you need your silver polished, I'm your guy!

Click on it to see it a little easier.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

March madness

Not only do I offer randomness, I offer some madness as well.  It IS March afterall.  What shall I talk about that might have to do with madness.  Hmmmm...*turns on the tv* -- nope, nothing new or exciting on there...
  • Everytime I see a tub whipped butter I want to tell it not to give up
  • Charlie, I told you:  Shhhhhh!  You had to talk, didn't you.  "I'm on a drug.  It's called Charlie Sheen."  No, no you're not, Charlie.  Try again.
  • And now Charlie Sheen wants to sue CBS for 'mental anguish'.  That's like Hannibal Lecter suing his victims for indigestion.
  • Reports are Charlie Sheen's twitter account set the Guinness World Record for fastest time to gather 1 million followers.  To celebrate, Charlie promptly drank the Guinness.
  • Me visiting a psychic:
*I sit down*
Psychic: *stares*
Me: What?
Psychic: *stares*
Me: What?!
Psychic: You're gonna die within the week. I'll charge you half-price for this session
  • Rather than hearing music when you're on-hold, I think you should hear a recording of someone typing on their computer talking to their colleagues about how they don't want to take the next call.
  • Can someone have a fever in a hot place, like Florida?  How can you tell?  "Hey, I think I have a temp of 102.  Then again, it's 105 outside." 
  • If you get half-baked you can fry your brain. 
  • True story.  A recent dream I had:  Diane Wiest was dressing me up in a ball gown to help 'soften my shoulders' before appearing on a newscast with Colin Mochrie.
  • My plan is coming together, just as I planned.
  • My comb's teeth need to be flossed
  • Where there's smoke...there's me cooking.
  • Heya is for horsesa

Friday, February 25, 2011

February Randomness -- the shortest randomness of the year

Well February will be wrapping up in a few days.  I love Feburary because it's March that comes right after it.  March means:  warmer weather, my birthday, and St. Patty's Day.  All have one thing in common:  more drinking.  'Nuff said.
  • I'm forming a cult, but only of pregnant women.  I suspect the cult won't last too long --  9 months tops.
  • I set my cellphone to vibrate and asked my friends to send me messages using Morse code.
  • Who decided to make this Captain Crunch guy a captain? Exactly what army is he in?
  • I get the impression poutine was invented by some guy who barfed after eating fries and washing it down with milk.
  • Rather than a countdown before launching the shuttle, it should be like at amusement park rides:  There should be one dude standing by the shuttle door giving a thumbs up to some guy down below who has a big, red button that he pushes.  And as the shuttle launches, they should blast some annoying rock and roll for 3 minutes.  Side note:  They'd always have to get a new guy to give the thumbs up for each launch.
  • Speaking of the shuttle, during the countdown, they hold the countdown at 9 minutes for 1 hour...and countdown until they start the countdown again.  Seriously.
  • My perspective on life requires 3-D glasses.
  • The camera adds 10 lbs, and subtracts 2 inches -- at least that's what I keep telling myself.
  • Only people with narcolepsy can truly say they fall asleep
  • True story:  Russia has announced they will no longer consider beer to be a food.  I believe the only places left that do consider it a food are Northern Ontario and Rush Limbaugh.
  • I'd like less drama in my life.  I'll take more comedy with a touch of action/adventure and horror.
  • Charlie:  Shhhhhhhh!  You speak again and you're getting a time-out and no pornstars for 1 year.  Get some help before you end up on an episode of Cops playing yourself.
  • Don't you hate it when you close your car door and it closes halfway in that semi-closed position, especially if you locked the door before closing it?  Then you have the choice between having to unlock, open, relock and close the door or do that body-slam into the door.  I prefer the body slam method, which is one of the most violent things you can do to your car.  Then you have to calculate your height and weight before ramming into the car door -- you wouldn't want to seperate your shoulder or break the car window.  That'd be embarrassing to have happen...again.

Friday, January 21, 2011

...and in the news...ANIMALS!

These are real headlines taken today from the Toronto Star and CNN.  Seriously.  For real.

  • Angelfish can count to three: study  Apparently scientists have run out of things to study.  So does this mean dumb angelfish can only count to 1 and smart angelfish might be able to count as high as 5?  Look, I know scientists like to sometimes puff on the weed from time to time, but that doesn't mean you actually have to follow up on those crazy thoughts of yours.

  • Sharks may be colour-blind: Study Well geez!  Since I hired a great white to be my interior decorator, I guess I'll have to go fire him now!  Who cares they can't tell their greens from their blues?  "I was about to be attacked by this massive hammerhead, but then he saw I was wearing this beautiful shade of turquoise and he just stopped to admire it."

  • Cellphone rings in croc's stomach  I'd be more interested if someone actually answered the cellphone.  That'd be kinda creepy and cool at the same time.

  • Playboy app coming to the iPad  This one's actually making news and I'm not sure why.  The iPad could already display pictures.  If it can display pictures, every man who owns one has at least one picture of a naked woman on it.  If you could get a Playboy app to plug into my brain -- now that'd be fun!

  • Are fish popping Prozac present in the water?   The simple answer is: yes.  Have you not noticed how happy fish seem to be these days?  Even when they're caught, they're just happy, giggly, laughing little dudes as they flop around in the bucket.  They have to be careful of overdosing, though.  I hope they use angelfish to count the pills.

  • Breakfast-sandwich ad turns bus shelter into toaster oven  And every 2 minutes, any pedestrian standing inside the shelter was abruptly popped out into the street and promptly run over by the Route 99 Express bus.

  • Ivanka Trump: I'm pregnant!   That's exciting news!  I'm sure, when it's time, she'll drive in the Trumpmobile to Trump Hospital to give birth in the Trump Wing.

  • Will the Earth Have Two Suns by 2012?  If it does, I don't want to hear any more complaints about wearing dark clothing at night.  Study:  Angelfish will be able to count the number of suns. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Visiting the sleep clinic

I'm going to share a witty story with you regarding my sleep study from last weekend, but before I do, just a brief rant....

Listen, when someone opens a door for you, the polite thing to do is to say "thank you".  I think that's common courtesy and especially if you happen to notice the person (me!) has their hands full with a drink, a snack and car keys, perhaps eye contact and/or a smile would be nice too.

No, I'm not your doorman.  No, I didn't have to hold the door open for you just because I'm standing there.  It's the polite thing to do, so I figured I'd do so since that's what polite people do.  Polite people also respond to the door being opened for them.

If you'd prefer not to say thank you, or smile, or acknowledge my presence, then please ensure you identify yourself to ensure in the future the door won't be held open for you.  I believe perhaps wearing a badge or sign would do the trick.  I'd suggest something simple on the badge, such as:  "I am rude.  And my mother is a whore."  That should take care of it.

Please.  Thank you.


Last Saturday, at 8pm, I drove off to visit a doctor.  Why at 8pm?  Because I was heading out to an office to conduct a sleep study.  I haven't been sleeping well the past few months and I've been concerned that my snoring has progressed to experiencing bouts of sleep apnea.  My doctor agreed, so off I went.

I had no idea what to expect at a sleep study.  I was told to be there around 9pm and I envisioned walking in the door and a technician strapping on a bunch of wires to me and telling me at 9:05 to get some rest and shut off the light while I stare at the wall blankly for the next few hours until I passed out from boredom.

In fact, I was pleasantly surprised.  After arriving quite early at 8:30pm, I was shown to my room, which consisted of a queen-sized bed, an en suite bathroom (elegant shower, sink, and toilet), and a tv.  The technician asked me when I normally went to bed.  I tentatively said midnight, fully expecting him to grin evilly and say "Well, you're my bitch now and you go to bed when I tell you to!"  Ok, yes, I'm a little over-dramatic, but hey, it suits me well.

In reality, he told me he'd be back at about 11:30 because, "it takes 30-40 minutes to get you hooked up with the wires."  I laughed meekly and he walked out of the room.  I glanced over to the wall and there they were:  wires, electrodes, in various shapes and sizes.  There were pastes, tape, and I thought I caught staples and a scalpel, but hey, I might've been wrong.  I didn't know whether to get scared or get turned on.  If I was into being tied up, I'd probably have rushed out and asked the technician to hang out in my room to get to know me better first.  Ask if he has tattoos.

Then, I settled in.  I found myself laying back, watching TV (the football game) while typing away at my netbook.  "Hey," I thought.  "This isn't so bad at all.  I can do this."  I adjusted myself and then noticed the camera in the corner pointed right at the bed.  I stopped adjusting myself.

Finally, 11:30 rolled around.  With a slight knock on the door, the technician let himself in -- what if I was masturbating?!  oh yeah, the camera --  and he asked me to sit at the edge of the bed.  I felt the gooey glue get applied to my scalp -- let the games begin!

He was right, it took 30 minutes to get everything set up.  At this point, I was laying on my back on the bed.  with wires splaying from my body in all directions.  Here's how I was wired and set up:

6 electrodes glued to my scalp (aka my hair)
2 electrodes glued to my temples
2 electrodes glued behind my ears
2 electrodes glued to my shoulders
3 electrodes attached to each leg
2 abdomen belts that were tightly wrapped around my chest and stomach
1 finger clip attached to my index finger to measure my oxygen
1 contraption attached to my upper lip using tubing that wrapped around my ears and tightened underneath my chin.  The tubes themselves were taped to my cheeks.

I thought I should joke with the technician and say, "Doctor!  I smelled burnt toast!" but I figured it'd be lost on him, so I lay there silently. 

He then wanted to test that all the connections were operating correctly, so he went to the next room and asked me to do a series of moves while he looked through the video camera and his computer monitor:  blink my eyes, open my mouth, hold my breath, etc.  I didn't quite understand why he wanted me to caress my breasts while singing Oops I did it again, but I'm sure there was a pretty good medical reason.

This is also the time where I realized not only could he see me on the camera, but the room also had a built-in microphone and speaker system.  I frantically thought back to the phone calls I made earlier in the evening while in the room.  Did I call the technician a nerd?  I can't remember how loud that fart was, either.  Hmmmm....

At this point, over the speaker system, he had the nerve to tell me "Ok, you can go to sleep now.  Try to sleep naturally."  Naturally?  I've got, by my count, about 40 wires jutting out of my body going off in all different direction.  I feel like I'm trapped in a Tim Burton-made bondage movie, and you want me to sleep naturally?  I think not! 

He then told me that if I needed to go to the washroom at any point, I just had to talk out loud and he'd come and unplug me.  He then shut the lights.  I debated for awhile whether I should get out of bed and just do some standup for the guy.  I was on camera, afterall.  "Two jews walk into a bar..."  "Take my wife, please!"  Hey, if I've got an audience, I've got to do something, you know.  I decided to fart instead.

I tried to roll onto my side to sleep.  It took me a total of 5 minutes to get there.  Between having to re-arrange the wires; getting tangled up in myself; and discovering that the centre of the bed had a depression the size of the Grand Canyon, I was utterly exhausted.  No wonder people can't sleep with all that equipment on them!  It takes a technical engineering schematic to move in any direction on the bed!  It's exhausting!

To say I slept well is like saying the economy is doing well.  I didn't and it isn't.  I'm not sure how they possibly measure anything that makes any sense!  "Well, Jeff, we figured out why you're tired all the time.  According to our charts, you don't sleep at night."  Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.  Imagine that.  I don't sleep when half the power grid is wired into my skull. I have no idea why that is.

As you can see, I'm still a little jaded by the experience.  My apologies. I'm probably just tired.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Holiday Randomness and Holiday news

Happy 2011!  Do you say Happy New Year or Happy New Years?  I have no idea, so I'll wish everyone both.  It's been a busy holiday season, or Christmas season for all you folks that have finally broken out of the "I must be politically correct" mode.

A few new thoughts and comments about the news to start off the new year(s) properly...
  • The first 15 minutes of a ballet should be a sneak preview of upcoming ballets.
  • Get this:  Chernobyl is opening the doors to tourists.  Who's going to go there?  Who exactly is thinking:  "Well gosh, we could go to Disney again this year, but been there, done that.  Let's irradiate ourselves instead!"
  • I was using my snowblower a few weeks ago and the damn thing only blew the snow like 2 feet in front of me.  That's when I realized the further the snow gets thrown, the more of a man I feel like.  "Yeah!  See that!  That's me!  I threw those 2 tons of snow 50 FEET away!  Grrrrr!"  Instead, plop!  2 feet in front of me.  Felt like I had some sort of erectile dysfunction.  My snowblower went flaccid on me.
  • So the Canadian government is thinking of ending production of the penny.  The reasoning is no one seems to be using the penny anymore.  Penny for your thoughts.  Don't have that either, eh?  Thought so.
  • Mark Zuckerberg -- founder of Facebook -- was voted as Time's Man of the Year.  Dislike.
  • I have exit-stage-left fright
  • I'm afraid of those smart phones and iphones with touchpads.  I can never get them right.  Do I want to scroll or touch?  Well don't I have to touch the thing to scroll?  How does it know if I'm touching it to scroll or touching it to touch?  It just confuses and intimidates me.  And it sounds dirty.
  • A retard is someone who's been tarded before.
  • The nice thing about winter:  give it a day and your dog's shit will freeze on your lawn -- way easier to clean up that way.
  • My homemade cookies are made in someone else's home.  They're way better.
  • A small town in Alabama, a reported 5,000 birds literally dropped out of the sky dead on new years eve.  As a response, the town has reportedly cancelled next years New Years Eve All You Can Eat Baked Beans and Onions Town Festival.