Friday, February 26, 2010

In the news

    A few comments about items in the news over the past few days.

  • So this whale has now killed three people and all the experts come out to try and "help" the whale. Help the whale? What are they supposed to do? Have it sit down with a psychiatrist? Put it in jail? Oh wait, it's already in jail. This isn't a dog you can put down because it's terrorizing the neighbourhood. Keeping a whale in captivity to save the species is one thing. Keeping a whale in captivity so it can spray a crowd full of water and get a bucket of fish as a reward is another. The guy running the show down there calls it "educational". Educational is watching a whale swim in the ocean -- not dragging a helpless trainer underwater.

  • I'm watching the olympics and I'm wondering how much more brazen can some of these athletes get. First there's the bobsleigh. Scary. Fast. But some folks said "Oh yeah! We don't need all this extra protection! " And thus the luge was born. But wait, not good enough! "Pffff, wimps! Going down feet first like that! How about head first!" ...the skeleton. Up next, they're just going to hurl themselves off a cliff. Whomever reaches the ground the quickest...

  • The Canadian Women's Hockey Team wins gold. Celebrates partially on the ice after everyone left the building. Might've been beer and champagne involved. An 18 year old might've had some beer too. You mean an 18 year old Canadian might've had beer? *Gasp*. That NEVER happens. And you mean the winning team celebrated? Holy cow, what's the world coming to! Get over it IOC. They did nothing wrong.

  • The headlines around the Toyota car issues are scary. They're scary because just about every other car company out there has had just as many issues if not more around their cars. Not necessarily sticky gas pedals, but various issues. Cars need to be made safer all around. Why is it all of the sudden that it's become an issue now? Is it because it's a foreign-owned car company that happens to be doing well on US soil? Nah. Couldn't be.

  • William Shatner and Catherine O'Hara were both a part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Shatner was funnier. I believe this is the part where the Earth explodes.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Called it!

So I was thinking back to my childhood the other day and after shuddering in horror at the clothes I used to wear -- and realized I still wear them -- I remembered fondly on how simple things were between kids.

Fights involved name-calling, not bolt-action rifles. You got sent to the office for calling someone a shithead, as opposed to using some sort of ethnic slur.

Playgrounds then weren't safe for adults, let-alone the kids. Slides and monkey bars sat over-top of concrete foundations using paint containing enough lead to kill birds that happened to land on it. If you fell from any apparatus in the playground, in order to survive you had to land feet first, arms thrown in the air in a dismount that would've made a gymnast happy (though the French judge would've only given 5's in a bribery scandal).

But what amazes me most was how powerful words were. If you wanted to declare something -- to make it real; make it yours -- all you had to do is shout "Called it!". And for extra umph "Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!". Once that was shouted, no one could argue with you. What was done was done. "We're playing with my marbles. Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

How life would be so simple if words still carried the same power as an adult. Unfortunately words lose that touch in the teen years and then go away completely. As a kid, if you declared it, it was so. It was almost some form of respect to the words that were used.

As adults you can pretty much say whatever you want. The words aren't heard or respected. They're filtered, interpreted, editorialized and then summarily dismissed by someone who believes they have better words.

Can you imagine how politics would be if words still held power? Imagine how the health care debate raging in the US might've been different. Obama steps up to the microphone at a news conference...

"Ladies and gentleman. I offer you a historic proposition today. Health-care for all Americans at an affordable rate." *Clears his throat* "Called it! Triple-locked it! No erasies! Black magic!"

Later on, the Republican leader steps forward to offer his thoughts: "We fundamentally disagree with President Obama's thoughts on the issue. We think the health-care system is working exactly as it should for Americans and there are already programs in place for those who can't afford health care." *Clears throat* "But, President Obama did declare 'no erasies', so I'm afraid we'll have to live with it."

A slight exaggeration, perhaps (ok, a gross exaggeration), but somehow words lose their power as we grow up and simply becomes things we say out loud for the sake of filling up the vacuum of silence. I want to go back to my childhood again and scream at the kids: "Hold onto the power! Don't let it go! Remember now for all time, when you say something, you mean it. The words hold power; hold meaning. Respect the words! Grow up, not cynical. Grow stronger, not suspicious. That awe you felt as you were taught new words, their meaning and their power -- hold onto that, relish it and enjoy it."

No erasies.

Black magic.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A few more thoughts

After writing my olympic thoughts a few days ago, I still had a few non-olympic-related thoughts remaining. I've decided to share them with you now. Please have a seat, return your seatbacks to the upright position and stow your tray-tables.

  • "Coffee, tea, or me." Boy, someone was horny the day they came up with that line. That's quite the proposition! I also wonder if the person chose coffee.
  • 4-leaf clovers don't consider themselves lucky. They keep getting picked and die.
  • I hate how some people will keep an email thread running for two weeks and in the meantime the content of the thread has absolutely nothing to do with the subject line. Sometimes you need to take the extra step and type something new in the subject line.

Re: mom's surprise party

Can you believe Suzy slept with that guy? Ever since she got that boob job she's all tits and no brains.

  • A round of applause. A round of drinks. Close call on which I'd rather have.
  • Is it just me but don't you sometimes feel intimidated by how some people knot their scarves? I can barely manage to fling the thing over my shoulder without accidentally choking myself and in the meantime the guy next to me has this elaborate double-hitch-with-reverse-cloverleaf thing going that would make a sailor proud.
  • A capella: A noodle that sings by itself
  • Have you ever seen a hyper turtle? Could you tell if you haven't?
  • Hey here's a brilliant idea for a ringtone: it sounds like a phone ringing *gasp* I don't need to hear that you like The Godfather or have a thing for Cookie Monster every time your Aunt Betsy decides to call and update you on her "bunion situation".
  • Life is all a matter of inches -- usually somewhere between 4 to 9 inches to be exact.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Random Thoughts -- Olympic Edition

    You know, I was watching ski jumping the other day and I noticed each jumper is ranked by points -- distance combined with "style". You know what? Here's a guy hurling down a 45 degree hill at 100 km/h. As far as I'm concerned, his "style" should be surviving. Can't they just rank them based on distance. This dude jumped 85 meters. This other dude jumped 84.5 metres. Take a guess who should win in my books? I don't care if the guy landed with pointed toes or his hands up in the air. Do long jumpers get points for style? Nope! They can land face first and no one cares. If anything I think any ski jumper should get bonus points just for surviving. "And Tomas Thomas jumped 76.23 metres. The judges noted he only pissed his pants, he'll get a bonus 10 metres as well."

  • Now they sell furnace filters that have UV lights -- I guess this is for germs that want a tan?

  • Hypnotists must take Finger-snapping 101

  • True story: Came across a "Hermit Crabs for Dummies" book. Shoot me now.

  • Scandal at the Olympics: Three snowboarders were drug-tested and the tests came back negative. No drugs in them at all. They were immediately disqualified.

  • Why is it that when you order a panzerotto you can order toppings? Shouldn't it be called fillings?

  • What's the big deal about being extraordinary? I can be ordinary or extra-ordinary? I'll take the regular ordinary, thanks.
  • It's easy to figure out who spies are. They're the people walking around whispering "I spy with my little eye..."

  • You know that little mirror dentists use? Yeah, they're just looking at themselves in the little mirror. Why do you think they're always smiling?
  • I learned today at the zoo that elephants can produce up to 400 lbs of shit per day. I also learned today that I never want to intern at the zoo.
  • Any game that you can play more than once during a day should not be considered a sport. I'm sorry, but if I see an athlete participate in heat #2 in the morning, the semi-finals in the afternoon and win the gold medal in the evening, that's not a sport he or she is participating in, it's a recreational activity.