Friday, September 25, 2009

Thoughts for Autumn

Do you say Autumn or Fall? While you ponder that, take a look at what I've been pondering for the past few days.

  • That's unfathomable! Not only that, it's in a depth of water that cannot be measured using fathoms!
  • I don't mind paying an arm and a leg, but it only means I can buy two things.
  • United we stand. Toilets we sit.
  • I tried a change of fate. It was too difficult. So I just went with a change of underwear.
  • What is it with everything being just around the corner? Autumn is just around the corner. An election is just around the corner. You know what, I've been around the corner and still haven't found anything. I've been around so many corners, I've been around the block. In fact, what is it with having been around the block? "Talk to Jeff. He's been around the block once or twice." Well damn right I have. I keep looking for things around the corner!
  • I'm the complete package! Hell, I even come in brown wrapping paper and a stamp.
  • I've figured out the source of the high blood pressure epidemic being experienced in the US. Here's the deal: George Bush was president for 8 years. Everytime words came out of his mouth, we were told to take it with a grain of salt. That amount of salt adds up!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Found it!

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I could make it longer, but that's more of a threat than anything else.

  • I was walking through this haystack the other day and almost cut my foot open on a needle. How the hell did a needle get in there?
  • Joe Wilson apologized to President Obama for shouting "You lie!" during Obama's speech to Congress. Obama told Wilson, "that's fine, but if it ever happens again, that's it! I'll have no choice but to invite you to the White House to have a beer with me and Biden."
  • Wow, it's been 15 minutes already! Sorry, Kanye, your time is up. Sit the fuck down and if we want to hear from you again we'll send you an email or something.
  • Jewish parents cannot give their kids piggyback rides.
  • Chinese people have sweet and sour dreams
  • When someone says "I'll try to keep this short..." It's already too late.
  • People who are second have a lot of responsibility. They get to choose what direction the line forms in. I think these people should be checked out first before given such great power.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Just Because

Well it's been a busy month. Since it's been a busy month, I haven't had time to blog, or to write in my blog, or whatever one does to a blog...
  • I have this whole, lengthy essay I want to write about using "Just because" as an answer. But I've decided against it. Why? Just because.
  • I wonder if dogs are totally in awe of our bathrooms. "All I know is humans keep going into this room and marking their territory in this one spot over and over -- like 2 or 3 times a day! Boy, that must be an important spot!"
  • If you live every day like it's your last, you'll never have the pleasure of experiencing any firsts.
  • Great people wonder. Simple people wander.
  • Sea lions gather in groups in Sea Africa. They are known to chase after sea antelopes but the must always be weary of their arch-nemisis, the sea elephant.
  • This morning I washed my face, put on after-shave (have to smell good), then a skin moisterizer (can't have dry skin), then my suntan lotion (gotta watch those UV rays), then my bug repellant (never a good time to catch West Nile). Luckily, I remembered to wash my face first. Wouldn't want it to be dirty...
  • If it's against your better judgement, by definition, doesn't that mean you have poor judgement? In which case, you're not going against anything...