Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pizza, Beer, and Fishing -- Random Thoughts for a Guy

A few more quick thoughts...

  • I'm never using that therapist again.. All he did was stand in the corner and didn't say a word. That's the last time I use an anti-social worker.

  • Ever order 'extra cheese' on a pizza? How the hell do you know if they've fulfilled the order. I mean if you order double mushrooms, you can see the mushrooms. With cheese? Who the hell knows. And how can you tell the difference between extra cheese and double cheese. Nice scam they have going, eh?

  • Actual conversation between husband and wife:

Wife: "I think we have to cut back on our spending. I'm noticing, for example, you're spending a good $25 a week on beer. There's no need for that."

Husband: "Fine. Well hey, I noticed you're spending $65 on makeup. That sounds expensive. You should cut back on that!"

Wife: "I can't. I use that to make myself look all pretty for you, honey."

Husband: "That's what the beer is for."

  • What's with the notion of a fishing license. A license to fish? How does that work? Are we concerned about unlicensed fisherman running rampant in our cities and cottage areas? Yes, yes, the money is used to help maintain the environment. But it's a cash grab. An excuse that's supposed to help "control" how and when you fish. You don't need a license for that, just enforcement. If someone's overfishing, I don't care if they have a license or not. If someone's not properly returning certain fish that they catch, is that license meaningful? Of course not.

Do you need a learner's permit first? "For the first year, you can only fish if you're sober; not at night; not in major lakes; and you must be accompanied by a fully licensed fisherman. Oh! And you can only use worms."

From a caught fish: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a valid license before you club me over the head and fry me."

The police screech to a stop at a cottage: "You! With the fishing pole! Drop the pole and worms slowly and take two steps back! How old are you young man? Are you aware you're fishing without a license? Do you even know how to this hook attached to this string and reel? I mean look at how you're using your floater and sinker at the same time on your line. Obviously you have no idea what to do. You're under arrest for operating a fishing pole without a license."

Stop with the license crap. Charge anyone who owns a cottage a flat-rate $20 annual fee in their property taxes for maintaining the lakes. Hell, charge everyone a flat-rate tax when they buy or rent a fishing pole; buy worms; stay at a hotel near a lake. Enough with the license crap.

Monday, July 13, 2009

New Random Thoughts

These thoughts actually came at the same time as the other batch from a few days ago, but I have to space these things out, otherwise I risk people being overcome by disorientation and nausea.
  • I used my night table during the day. My end tables heard about it and moved to the middle just to piss me off.
  • As reported in the news: A recent study showed that swearing is good for you. In an interview with reporters, researchers commented on the report: "Fuck you."
  • I've decided to become a door-to-door buyer. I'm going to go from door-to-door and ask people if I can buy their encyclopedias.
  • The White House today announced Obama is going to hold a press conference about how he likes to have press conferences. Has this guy actually been in the White House yet? He's on the road more often than a retired couple with an RV.
  • Understatement of the year. As reported in the Toronto Star about a man who partly severed his foot after tumbling into the well of a moving train car. The cop is quoted as saying: "Trespassing, leading to adventure, leading to ouch!" Really, eh? You think as his foot was being cut off, the guy was saying "ouch?" My comment? See the bullet point above regarding swearing.
  • Dog collars and shirt collars look nothing alike...and dog collars seem more comfy for some reason. No tie required.

I only listen to music made before 1996. Basically, anything after Ace is Base is off my playlist. I gave up after that. But here are a couple of musical thoughts:

  • Can Guns 'N' Roses re-make November Rain so it's only the last 2 minutes?
  • Let me know when Alanis Morisette stops being angry.
  • Meatloaf: Every song does not have to be 10 minutes long. Learn to summarize.
  • Today's dance songs: Take a back beat. Add a single random word. Repeat as desire.
  • Will someone on G-d's green earth tell me how MC Hammer ended up with his own show? I'm still waiting for someone to scream "April Fools!"

Monday, July 6, 2009

Random Thoughts

A few thoughts crept into my mind the other day. They crept because random thoughts are sneaky. I need my random thoughts to learn some self-confidence and start walking proudly into my mind. "Here I am! Ta da! A random thought!"
  • I think tightrope walkers should have trampolines beneath them. If they fall, they'll damn well bounce right back up there and continue with their act.
  • Have you ever taken your umbrella with you somewhere because you heard it was going to rain later, only to walk outside later to find it bright and sunny without a cloud in sight? Everyone's in t-shirts, shorts, hats, sunglasses, and you're the idiot with the umbrella and coat. This is why I hate weathermen.
  • Twins are so lucky. If they're dressed right, they never need to use a mirror.
  • I love how an "Out of Order" sign taped on a urinal tends to be covered in urine.
  • Who do you call if a collection agency refuses to pay their bills?
  • There's something mysterious about white Freezies
  • Why XXX for porn? What happened to the first two X's? Well wait, there's X-Rays. So that's where the first X went. Hmmmm, not sure about the second X -- I'll have to look that one up.
  • Elevators take a lot of commitment. Ever hit the button to go to the wrong floor and there are other people in the elevator? What do you do? You get off at that floor. I pushed 6, so dammit, I'm getting off on the 6th floor. I wonder what's on the 6th floor. Maybe this'll be my lucky day. Maybe they hand out free cheques to people on the 6th floor.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


As is my annual tradition, I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. As a part of that tradition, I tend to rant about airplanes and how nervous I am to fly in one. I've decided to take a different approach this year: I've decided to rant about airplanes and debunk some of the well-known myths about them.

The odds of dying in a plane are miniscule compared to dying in a car
...and the odds of me winning the bronze medal for figure skating in the 2010 olympics is also miniscule, but yet, someone still wins the bronze medal, don't they?

Planes rarely breakdown
Car: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. I'll have to pull off to the side of the road."
Plane: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. We'll have to crash in that field. I hope we don't hit a goat."

Planes have strict maintenance controls
I have been on planes where:

  • Tape was used to cover a hole in the wing
  • An aborted take-off due to the luggage compartment door popping open
  • A part was taken out of the cockpit because it wasn't working. While waiting for a new part to arrive, the co-pilot put the broken part back in and it started working again, to which the pilot said: "Hey how'd you do that? Well let's get out of here before it stops working again."

Airlines are reliable

Car: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit, it's in the trunk of the car with my other luggage.

Plane: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit it's with my other luggage on its way to Japan.

You never know what cars around you will do -- you can't be totally safe

Well look at that. Just today it was reported by CNN how a "student" air traffic controller (they have those?!) almost caused two accidents at an airport.

To quote from the article: "This particular trainee had a total of 11 hours of training in the entire month of June. That's less then an hour a day," said Bob Kerr of the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. "He's brand new; he's going to make mistakes."

Ok, a couple of issues:

  • Why is someone -- anyone -- with 11 hours of training being allowed to control planes? To put this in perspective, he's had 11 hours more training than me, and I have none.
  • Secondly, I have a wee bit of an issue with the word "mistakes". A mistake is not having enough packs of those peanuts to go around. A mistake is -- oops! -- allowing on a bag that won't fit in the overhead bin. I don't think almost having two planes collide is considered a mistake.

So overall, I have a few issues with planes and flying. Yet, I shall continue to risk life and limb and head out on vacation in a few weeks. Knowing my luck, I'll be sitting in the plane watching as they replace one of the plane's tires with that emergency spare you get in cars... "Yeah, this tire will be fine, but don't go too fast with it, eh?"