Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Superheroes in Miami -- Part 1

It's the year 2030.

Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Wonderwoman have done such an effective job in their respective cities, there's no more crime at all.

Deciding to go into semi-retirement, coincidentally choosing the same condo complex, and without consultation with each other, they move where all good men and women go to relax and remove themselves from the day-to-day stresses of work: Miami.

Ah yes, Miami, where the sun is warm and the shopping is good. Never having had superheroes amongst their midst, Miami still suffers from crime. Purse snatchings, bank robberies, and the use of stolen coupons runs rampant in the city.

Their move to the south is fortunate, but creates its own problems. It's only one city and there are four of them. Emotions are on edge. Much to their excitement and dismay, there's still some crime-fighting to be had, and margaritas to drink...

Lounging by the pool sit Spiderman, Batman and Wonderwoman. Superman lands in front of the lounge chairs.

Spiderman: Heyyyyyyyyy. Wassup 'Supe?
Superman [with hands on hips]: Lady. Gentlemen. Just busted another crime ring. Oh, and stop calling me 'Supe. That sounds stupid.
Spiderman: No probs, 'Supe....rman, hahaha.
Batman: Another crime ring. In other words, you got another cat out of a tree.
Superman: Hey! At least I can get the cat without having to use a ladder or a rope, asshole.
Batman: Um, that's 'bat-rope' to you, Mr. I-Never-Use-My-X-Ray-Vision-On-Wonderwoman.
Wonderwoman [covering herself with a towel]: Hey! No peeking.
Superman [facing Wonderwoman]: Rest assured, Wonderwoman, I only use my x-ray vision for good. And besides, that mole you have makes it kinda gross to look...
Wonderwoman [standing up]: Stop looking at my ass! And besides, I had the mole removed. Who wants another drink? I'm going inside.
Spiderman: I'll take a beer.
Batman: Grab me a Batscotch from the Batbar.
Spiderman: Would you get over yourself already? Not everything starts with "bat". What are you? A friggin' smurf? It's scotch from the bar.
Batman [sighing]: What black widow crawled up your ass today? [Childish voice] Did the wittle purse snatcher run away from you again?
Superman: Gentlemen, gentlemen, lets stop our bickering. We have to get down to business still. How do we intend on sharing this great city amongst ourselves.
Spiderman: Well as far as I'm concerned, I want the downtown area. With all those tall buildings, it's easy for me to get around. Besides, there's this hot Latin girl downtown who's got this thing for webs and actually just sticky things in gener---
Superman: Yes, yes, we get the picture. Just do us a favour and remember to clean up afterwards. You keep leaving the webs everywhere and it's just making a mess.
Spiderman: Yeah, yeah. [Yells] Hey! My beer coming sometime today?!
Wonderwoman [approaching the lounge chairs]: Don't make me use my lasso on you Spidey. I've always wanted to find out what happened to you and that chick on the 7th floor.
Spiderman: You just want to tie me up. You'd like that.
Superman: Alright, enough from the two of you. Wonderwoman, stop parking your invisible car on the street. Cyclists keep ramming into it. Spiderman, clean up your webs and wash your damn outfit already. It smells like shit. Batman, I need to talk to you alone for a second.

Batman and Superman go off to one side.
Superman: I spoke to the mayor this morning. He has no issues with the batsignal going digital. It'll be clearer, and in hi-def it'll definitely be visible across most of the eastern seaboard at any given time.
Batman [pumps arm]: Yes!
Superman: Not so fast, Batboy. The mayor said due to the rising cost of gas, and the increased greenhouse gases, you're forbidden to use the Batmobile anymore. From now on, you have to take the bus.
Batman: What the fuck?!
Superman: Hey, don't shoot the messenger with one of your bat-arrows or something. It's not my fault. Here [hands Batman a roll of coins]. Here are some tokens to start you off. Call them Batfare or something if it'll make you feel better.
Batman [stern, menacing look crosses his face]: What the fuck?
Superman: Awww, now don't get all 'Dark Knight' and moody on me now.

Suddenly, the red phone starts flashing. An emergency! Wonderwoman grabs the phone.

Spiderman [mumbling to himself]: Tyra-mail!
Womanwoman [hanging up the phone]: That was the mayor. He wants to see all of us...now. Something's up!

...to be continued...

1 comment:

Canadian Girl said...

HAHAHAHAHA That was hilarious. I love how he calls it a batscotch from the batbar and superman gets called supe.

This was a hilarious story. I'm reposting this somewhere!