Pizza, Beer, and Fishing -- Random Thoughts for a Guy

A few more quick thoughts...

• I'm never using that therapist again.. All he did was stand in the corner and didn't say a word. That's the last time I use an anti-social worker.


• Ever order 'extra cheese' on a pizza? How the hell do you know if they've fulfilled the order. I mean if you order double mushrooms, you can see the mushrooms. With cheese? Who the hell knows. And how can you tell the difference between extra cheese and double cheese. Nice scam they have going, eh?


• Actual conversation between husband and wife:

Wife: "I think we have to cut back on our spending. I'm noticing, for example, you're spending a good $25 a week on beer. There's no need for that."

Husband: "Fine. Well hey, I noticed you're spending $65 on makeup. That sounds expensive. You should cut back on that!"

Wife: "I can't. I use that to make myself look all pretty for you, honey."

Husband: "That's what the beer is for."

• What's with the notion of a fishing license. A license to fish? How does that work? Are we concerned about unlicensed fisherman running rampant in our cities and cottage areas? Yes, yes, the money is used to help maintain the environment. But it's a cash grab. An excuse that's supposed to help "control" how and when you fish. You don't need a license for that, just enforcement. If someone's overfishing, I don't care if they have a license or not. If someone's not properly returning certain fish that they catch, is that license meaningful? Of course not.

Do you need a learner's permit first? "For the first year, you can only fish if you're sober; not at night; not in major lakes; and you must be accompanied by a fully licensed fisherman. Oh! And you can only use worms."

From a caught fish: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a valid license before you club me over the head and fry me."

The police screech to a stop at a cottage: "You! With the fishing pole! Drop the pole and worms slowly and take two steps back! How old are you young man? Are you aware you're fishing without a license? Do you even know how to this hook attached to this string and reel? I mean look at how you're using your floater and sinker at the same time on your line. Obviously you have no idea what to do. You're under arrest for operating a fishing pole without a license."

Stop with the license crap. Charge anyone who owns a cottage a flat-rate $20 annual fee in their property taxes for maintaining the lakes. Hell, charge everyone a flat-rate tax when they buy or rent a fishing pole; buy worms; stay at a hotel near a lake. Enough with the license crap.

New Random Thoughts

These thoughts actually came at the same time as the other batch from a few days ago, but I have to space these things out, otherwise I risk people being overcome by disorientation and nausea.

• I used my night table during the day. My end tables heard about it and moved to the middle just to piss me off.
• As reported in the news: A recent study showed that swearing is good for you. In an interview with reporters, researchers commented on the report: "Fuck you."
• I've decided to become a door-to-door buyer. I'm going to go from door-to-door and ask people if I can buy their encyclopedias.
• The White House today announced Obama is going to hold a press conference about how he likes to have press conferences. Has this guy actually been in the White House yet? He's on the road more often than a retired couple with an RV.
• Understatement of the year. As reported in the Toronto Star about a man who partly severed his foot after tumbling into the well of a moving train car. The cop is quoted as saying: "Trespassing, leading to adventure, leading to ouch!" Really, eh? You think as his foot was being cut off, the guy was saying "ouch?" My comment? See the bullet point above regarding swearing.
• Dog collars and shirt collars look nothing alike...and dog collars seem more comfy for some reason. No tie required.

I only listen to music made before 1996. Basically, anything after Ace is Base is off my playlist. I gave up after that. But here are a couple of musical thoughts:

• Can Guns 'N' Roses re-make November Rain so it's only the last 2 minutes?
• Let me know when Alanis Morisette stops being angry.
• Meatloaf: Every song does not have to be 10 minutes long. Learn to summarize.
• Today's dance songs: Take a back beat. Add a single random word. Repeat as desire.
• Will someone on G-d's green earth tell me how MC Hammer ended up with his own show? I'm still waiting for someone to scream "April Fools!"

Random Thoughts

A few thoughts crept into my mind the other day. They crept because random thoughts are sneaky. I need my random thoughts to learn some self-confidence and start walking proudly into my mind. "Here I am! Ta da! A random thought!"

• I think tightrope walkers should have trampolines beneath them. If they fall, they'll damn well bounce right back up there and continue with their act.
• Have you ever taken your umbrella with you somewhere because you heard it was going to rain later, only to walk outside later to find it bright and sunny without a cloud in sight? Everyone's in t-shirts, shorts, hats, sunglasses, and you're the idiot with the umbrella and coat. This is why I hate weathermen.
• Twins are so lucky. If they're dressed right, they never need to use a mirror.
• I love how an "Out of Order" sign taped on a urinal tends to be covered in urine.
• Who do you call if a collection agency refuses to pay their bills?
• There's something mysterious about white Freezies
• Why XXX for porn? What happened to the first two X's? Well wait, there's X-Rays. So that's where the first X went. Hmmmm, not sure about the second X -- I'll have to look that one up.
• Elevators take a lot of commitment. Ever hit the button to go to the wrong floor and there are other people in the elevator? What do you do? You get off at that floor. I pushed 6, so dammit, I'm getting off on the 6th floor. I wonder what's on the 6th floor. Maybe this'll be my lucky day. Maybe they hand out free cheques to people on the 6th floor.

Airplanes

As is my annual tradition, I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. As a part of that tradition, I tend to rant about airplanes and how nervous I am to fly in one. I've decided to take a different approach this year: I've decided to rant about airplanes and debunk some of the well-known myths about them.

The odds of dying in a plane are miniscule compared to dying in a car
...and the odds of me winning the bronze medal for figure skating in the 2010 olympics is also miniscule, but yet, someone still wins the bronze medal, don't they?

Planes rarely breakdown
Car: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. I'll have to pull off to the side of the road."
Plane: "Shoot! Ran out of gas. We'll have to crash in that field. I hope we don't hit a goat."

Planes have strict maintenance controls
I have been on planes where:

• Tape was used to cover a hole in the wing
• An aborted take-off due to the luggage compartment door popping open
• A part was taken out of the cockpit because it wasn't working. While waiting for a new part to arrive, the co-pilot put the broken part back in and it started working again, to which the pilot said: "Hey how'd you do that? Well let's get out of here before it stops working again."

Airlines are reliable

Car: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit, it's in the trunk of the car with my other luggage.

Plane: Damn, where'd I leave my comb. Shit it's with my other luggage on its way to Japan.

You never know what cars around you will do -- you can't be totally safe

Well look at that. Just today it was reported by CNN how a "student" air traffic controller (they have those?!) almost caused two accidents at an airport.

To quote from the article: "This particular trainee had a total of 11 hours of training in the entire month of June. That's less then an hour a day," said Bob Kerr of the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. "He's brand new; he's going to make mistakes."

Ok, a couple of issues:

• Why is someone -- anyone -- with 11 hours of training being allowed to control planes? To put this in perspective, he's had 11 hours more training than me, and I have none.
• Secondly, I have a wee bit of an issue with the word "mistakes". A mistake is not having enough packs of those peanuts to go around. A mistake is -- oops! -- allowing on a bag that won't fit in the overhead bin. I don't think almost having two planes collide is considered a mistake.

So overall, I have a few issues with planes and flying. Yet, I shall continue to risk life and limb and head out on vacation in a few weeks. Knowing my luck, I'll be sitting in the plane watching as they replace one of the plane's tires with that emergency spare you get in cars... "Yeah, this tire will be fine, but don't go too fast with it, eh?"

Newsworthy comments

Alright. There are enough stories in the news these days that I just have to comment....

Ok, is there anyone in US politics who has NOT had an affair at this point? Now the South Carolina govenor had an affair. Who's left? Put down your hand, Mr. Clinton, I don't really care what your lawyers say...

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A man was sentenced to only 10 years in prison after randomly murdering a complete stranger on the subway. According to the Toronto Star, the defence lawyer, "...called for a seven-year sentence, less pre-trial custody. She argued that her client has no criminal record, has a good work history..." I guess the judge bought the rationale that if you work hard and kill someone just once -- hey, you gotta give a man a break, right? I mean it's just one person. Fuck, shoot me now. No wait, nevermind.

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So Jon and Kate (of "Plus 8" fame) are divorcing and suddenly there are all these so-called parenting experts coming forward to say they're concerned for the kids. NOW they're concerned for the kids? I guess being surrounded by camera crews on a daily basis taping their every move isn't an issue? No, no, the camera crews stay. The false life they lead being taken from "special event" to "special event" in the name of television drama is perfectly fine. What's that? The parents are divorcing? Holy shit, let's be careful -- wouldn't want to fuck them up now, would we.

I say we send them all to Judge Judy.

She'd probably tell Jon: "Oh so now you have a backbone? How about having a backbone 10 years ago and saying 'I don't' instead of 'I do' at your wedding?"

She'd tell Kate: "Get this through your head. You are a MOM. If you want to be a Hollywood Princess, pack your bags and move."

Then she'd send all the kids to live with Sharon and Ozzy.

June's Thoughts

Well apparently I'm back to updating my blog monthly. That's not so great. I had hoped to twice-a-week random thoughts, but I'm finding I'm either out of randomness...or out of thoughts.

• I read in the news, they've created monkeys that glow green. That's perfect because that'll solve the global issue of losing monkeys in the dark. :
• Be yourself...or that dude over there -- he looks kind of cool.
• Never judge a book by the cover...the front cover, at least. The back cover usually has some good information, though; some quotes; a synopsis of the book; etc. Hmmm, so ok, you can judge a book by the back cover.
• Shadows get dates all the time. They're all tall and dark.
• I'm a bit scared of these bandwagons I keep hearing about. People have to jump onto them, or even worse, they fall off. Exactly how fast are these bandwagons moving? How tall are they? Can we slow them down a bit? People are getting hurt.
• It's important to think that it's important to think.
• It's amazing that we've written a whole song about the theft of some cookies from a jar. Did they ever catch the kid who did it?
• It's special when an infant reaches the age where they begin to smile. Suddenly, the parents turn into standup comics trying to make their kid smile. They'll try anything to ellicit just one more smile. It's funny to watch. "Quick, Martha, try the clown hat! Wait, wait, I have an idea! Ok, Johnny, two Jews go to a bar..."
• I'm just amazed how this "lake effect" weather works. "Today, it's a high of 30 C, feeling more like 40 C with the humidex. But if you're by the lake, it's -2 with light fluries..." Who the heck gave these lakes so much power?
• My radio is having a nervous breakdown. It claims it's hearing voices.

May Thoughts

Spring has sprung and during the warm-up to summer, my brain has started functioning again...

• Those warnings they have at the beginning of TV shows are starting to border on the ridiculousness. Why don't we just create one generic warning...

Warning: The content of this program is likely to offend someone some of the time. If you are a human of average intelligence of any age, you shouldn't watch this program some of the time.

• Life is short -- maybe 5' 4" at most.


• All referees seem to wear those black-and-white striped jerseys, almost like a zebra. Is the uniform to help confuse predators because they'll blend into the shadows?


• Clicks run clockwise -- coincidence?


• Do people who live in Dawson's Creek walk around humming that theme song all day?


• When alphaghetti was being tested, it was called beta-ghetti?


• How much longer can GM last? You know a company is in trouble when they have to guarantee their warranty.


• Technically, you cannot run like the wind. You can only blow like the wind.


• One day I'm going to be rich and rule the world. At the rate things are going with the economy, I'll only need a few thousand dollars.


• I'm a cool guy trapped in a nerd's body...and clothing...and glasses...and pocket protector...and...


• ...for some strange reason, he got in the car. And let that be a lesson to you. Never get in the car with a strange reason. Only if you know the reason should you get in.

Random Thoughts for the Weekend

I was in a silly mood just now and a few thoughts spilled out. I'll try to clean up the mess.

• Remember, at one time, King Kong was just a Prince.
• The sky has fallen and it can't get up!
• I have about 50,000 brownie points. Where do I go to cash them in?
• Lego people throw block parties.
• There are no silly questions. Only silly question marks.
• Awkward is my middle name. My first name is Very.
• Dizziness is just your brains way of saying circles aren't cool.
• When you think about it, most people who say they like to have a cup of coffee in the morning tend to be holding one of those super, jumbo-sized coffees in their hand. I have news for you, that's a bit more than a cup.
• Hmmmm, I'm going to take these crushed bits of ice and add food colouring to it. Then I'll call it a Slurpee -- brilliant!
• Bad name for a novel: The End Sucks
• Change takes time. Parking meters take change. Therefore parking takes time.
• Have you ever had a dream where you're asking people if they've ever had a dream about asking people about having a dream where...Yeah, happened to me once too.
• What exactly is a preview? How do you view something before you view something? "Let's view this movie." ..."Let's preview this movie." What's the difference?

Thoughts du jour

Some thoughts over the past, um, jours.

• Love is blind. So are bats.
• Michael Jackson announced he's making a "comeback." This, of course, will be exciting to the 50,000 fans who never thought he left. The rest of us will just laugh.
• Non-cowboys should not be allowed to say "Y'all." It bugs me to no end to watch a man wearing a suit and tie say "Hi y'all!" You know what? Go drive a herd of cattle somewhere, then you can say "Y'all"
• I find it interesting when people add a word in front of the word "love" to somehow describe "love" better. Looking for "real love". Looking for "true love". By definition, love is real and true. If it's not, it's not love.
• To me, the word unauthorized sounds like it's where someone authorized something, but then changed their mind. "I'd like to unauthorize this."
• I have a bit of dirt on my hands. I have a bit a time on my hands. Which one seems wrong to you?
• Why do people say they're going to "jump" into the shower. What's with all this jumping? It sounds very dangerous to me.
• By definition only outgoing people will tell you they're outgoing. Shy people won't say anything...because they're shy.

Add the Ten and Carry the Two

Over the weekend, I experienced (more like suffered) the most annoying experience one could have while waiting in a checkout line. In fact, I not only dealt with this mind-numbing, hair-pulling situation once -- I experienced it twice!

By now you're probably wondering: "Is this man insane?" or perhaps "Am I insane for reading his blog?" or at bare minimum, "What the hell is this insane man talking about?"

Well I refuse the first two questions (ok, yes I am, and yes, you probably are), but the answer to the third question is: I'm talking about when people are ready to pay at the cash register and it turns into a 10-minute fiasco trying to sort out how best to pay.

Now I realize everyone has this quest to rid themselves of any and all coins in their pockets. I also recognize the sheer joy and jubilation one receives when one is able to pay by exact change. I've experienced that myself...

Cashier: "That'll be $38.97" *A big grin appears on their face.*
Me: *Western-themed music plays as I reach for my wallet*
Cashier: *Her face goes from a grin to a frown*
Me: "Ha ha! I have a twenty, a ten, a 5, and look! A toonie, a loonie, and even..."
*We both gasp as I drop the change in her hand*
Me: "...97 cents..."
*The marching band and parade begins*

What drives me nuts, though, is where the person turns it into a game. A win. A matter of pride. They must "defeat" the cashier at all costs (pun intended) and ensure that they give that cashier the optimal amount of bills and coins.

That same $38.97 purchase took place not once but twice over the weekend. In both cases, I was next in line at the grocery store and when the total was given, the lady pulled out your wallet and I swear the theme from Mission Impossible started playing.

Bills started flying everywhere.
Billows of smoke poured from her ears as she tried to calculate what coins she had.

Let's see. It's $38.97, but I have $41.50. Is that good? Wait! What about $41.75. Maybe that extra quarter will do the trick! Wait! No, let me try $39.07. No, that won't work, it's only a single dime back, dammit! There's got to be a way to make this work!

In the meantime, my frozen dinner has defrosted, my bread's gone mouldy and I'm pretty sure Barack Obama's term as President ended 2 days earlier. She's trying to figure out how to get rid of all of her penny's and nickels, and the rest of us in line are forming a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks.

There should be a 30 second time limit on these sorts of exercises. I think that would do the trick.

Customer: Wait! Wait! I think I've got a nickel and a penny! One more penny! I've got to have it here somewh---
Cashier: *Buzzer* Awww, sorry, time's up. You'll have to give me $40 and deal with the change.
Customer: *Sobs* But, but, I just needed another second and---
Cashier: *Evil grin* Here's your change. Now get out of here before I give it to you in dimes.