Wednesday, October 20, 2010

More thoughts for autumn

I won't bother writing more great poetry as my previous blog post (there was enough cheese there for a couple of sandwiches), so I'll get right to the point...if I ever have one.
  • I think the scene from Alien where the alien comes out of the guy's stomach was inspired by the writer watching his wife have a C-section.
  • It's nice to finally see black widow spiders and white widow spiders finally getting along.
  • For once I'd like to have pre-nasal drip.
  • When unicorns have babies, do they come out horn first?  Do the horns grow later?  I hope so.
  • Ballerinas like to be surprised.  It keeps them on their toes.
  • Slug wedding processions must take forever.
  • You'd think all Jewish men would be afraid of scissors.
  • It's important all pregnant women attend prenatal classes to prepare them for when they become natal.
  • Since love is blind, it typically uses a seeing eye dog
  • Exactly what types of disguises do blessings use?

As a man, I've always been a bit self-conscious when hugging a woman.  To put it bluntly:  boobs -- they're in the way.  It's tricky.  As a guy, this really never comes into play.  First of all, my dick is between my legs so rarely is there dick-to-anything contact.  Secondly, guys don't hug...often...except after a few beers...and for one of a few limited reasons (i.e. the Leafs won the Stanley Cup).

Different-sized boobs require different types of hugs.  My big-boobed friends require the "lean-in" approach where I have to angle in, bending at the waist, over top the boobs, barely clearing them by a half-inch or so being careful not to bend too much or stand too far away as that would cause me to topple over into her boobs.

My small-boobed friends (ok, ok, they're not small, they're a handful and the perfect size) are a bit easier to deal with in that respect.  No leaning in.  No angles to calculate.  However, I do have to deal with the squeeze quotient.  The squeeze quotient is precisely how much I can squeeze during a hug and not cause boob pain or trauma.  I mean, I can feel them being compressed beneath me, so I know something's going on.  In one sense, you have infants sucking on your nipples harder than a man trying to suck up the last drop of a keg through a straw, and yet you spend all day adjusting your bra because your boobs hurt.  So how am I supposed to figure out what the squeeze quotient is?  I need some guidance, dammit. 

It's not really the sort of thing I can ask for feedback on right after a hug:  "How was that for you?  Your boobs ok?  Here, let me fluff them up, they still look a bit flat.  That better?"  I'm just thankful guys don't have to deal with that...unless we were hugging a woman...and they offered to fluff.

    Thursday, October 7, 2010

    Random Thoughts for Autumn

    Ahhhh...Autumn is finally here with the leaves changing colours faster than the bruise I got on my knee after falling down the stairs.  So as the leaves fall and the cold weather sets in with a blustery breeze and the geese honking overhead, I leave you with these warm, hearty random thoughts to cozy up to and think of the renewal of spring.

    ...damn, I should be writing Hallmark cards.
    • In modern courts, things are no longer on the record.  They're on CD.
    • Girls get pinkeye.  Boys get blue-eye.
    • Rich fish hire mermaids and merbutlers.
    • I've invented a microwave uterus.  Now you have your baby in 6 months instead of 9.
    • I'm so embarrassed.  I was mixing my metaphors and I'll be damned if I forgot to add yeast.  Now my metaphors won't rise to the occasion.
    • How can you tell when blue cheese has gone bad?
    • I don't use a ruler to measure.  I use foot-long hotdogs.  How tall am I?  Almost 6 hotdogs. 
    • Have you noticed how your deodorant eventually takes on the shape of your underarm?  I think that's very useful to help a coroner identify the body.
    • For all those who can't make a decision:  May the fence you're sitting on have barbed wire at the top.
    • So I'm going around in circles spinning my wheels.  I'm probably spinning my wheels because they ARE circles.  If they were squares there'd be none of this spinny-circle business
    • I think there should be a law that states whatever button you push in an elevator, you must get off on that floor.
    • Evergreens aren't against wearing fur in the winter.