Thursday, August 26, 2010

Labour Day Randomness

Granted, it's not Labour Day yet, but I'll post it early.  To all pregnant women out there who are about to have babies, I dedicate this Labour Day to you...
  • I'm not trying to get into her pants.  I'm trying to get into her underwear.  Way more exciting.
  • What the hell are All Dressed chips?  It's dressed with...all?  All what?  Can we be a bit more specific?
  • I was on a mood swing yesterday.  Today I'm on a mood slide and tomorrow I'll play on the mood monkey bars.
  • I'd like to make a hat totally out of my hair.  That way I could wear it and no one would notice.
  • When elephants need to dry their clothes, they hang them on their tusks -- better for the environment.
  • Organizing my thoughts is like organizing my sock drawer.  Some are strewn all over the floor and half are missing entirely.
  • What's with calling people 'muffin'?  If I wanted to be referred to as a fatty snack, at least go all out and call me 'doughnut'.
  • Can we finally cook the beans?  How much longer do they have to stay cool?
  • Want to have fun?  Knock on a stranger's door and when they ask "Who is it?" do an actual knock-knock joke.
  • If I was trapped on a desert island, the one thing I'd want to have with me?  A phone so I can call someone to get me the fuck out of there.  What's with wanting CDs or food or movies.  Geez, let me just make my call and someone will pick me up.
  • I used to be a night owl until I realized being a night bat was way cooler.
  • Two scary things:  1)  Q-tips have instructions; 2)  People who read those instructions
  • Annoying:  After your baby is born, the doctor makes the baby cry.  But then it's up to you to make the baby stop crying.
P.S.  A friend of mine is on Twitter.  Take a look and follow her and her own random thoughts!

Friday, August 20, 2010

We're trying!

I've always been amused by language and the idiosyncrasies associated with them.  If you read through my various blog posts I like to point out the inane, the insane and the downright weird things we do and say.

One of the things that's always caught my attention is the notion of trying to get pregnant.  No, no, not the actual act itself (which is fun and should be practiced frequently), but how it's communicated and the fact that it's communicated at all.

I find it absolutely amazing that someone will tell their parents (or perhaps friends) that they're trying to start a family.  Think about it!  Think about what they're really saying.

"Mom.  Dad.  Now that that we've been married for about a year, we've decided to try and start a family."

...translates into...

"Mom.  Dad.  We've been fucking on and off for the past year, but Suzie's been on the pill.  Suzie is off the pill now and we're gonna start fucking like rabbits until she pops one out."

It's even worse when it's the guy telling his in-laws:  "I just wanted to tell you I've started fucking your daughter pretty much every day now.  I'm trying to knock her up.  Just thought I'd share."

Why on earth do we tell people we're "trying?"  We don't do it in other instances.  "Mom.  Dad.  Jason and I have been going out for a couple of weeks now and we've decided while we're dating we're going to fuck daily.  I just thought I'd share."

We don't announce things going the other way, do we?  "We're holding off on fucking for the next year on the account that Cindy is going back to school, so there'll be very little time to fuck.  Oh sure, we'll fuck infrequently, but any kid will be an accident."

Once someone is pregnant, it's such a joyous occasion, but it's still weird for me to hear:  "I have some news.  Elizabeth and I were fucking last month and it worked!  I knocked her up!  I'm a bit sad because we won't be fucking for 9 months, though.  What the hell was I thinking?"

So in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate all my pregnant friends.  I wish you all the best, and happy fucking!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Random thoughts for the summer

Wow!  Where has the summer gone?  Oh there it is!  It's in my house where it's been at least 26C (78F) on a daily basis.  Someone needs a new A/C unit, I think.
  • Just invented:  an office work-station where the walls are made up of 6 random colours that people will try to re-arrange into pretty designs.  It's called the Rubik's Cubicle.
  • I like when it rains cats and dogs because it gives me a chance to see which bounces higher when it hits the ground.
  • One day, 30 years from now, the President of the United States will email the Russian Premier and it will include the phrases:  "Wtf", "Lol", include winky faces and conclude with "I'll ttyl".  Does that scare anyone else?
  • I can't draw so I became an amateur photographer to take pictures of the pre-drawn. 
  • The JetBlue flight attendant that got so fed up over his job and passengers that he cursed over the intercom and then deployed the emergency chute and left the plane was actually arrested in the airport, not at his home.  He tried to go home, but he got stuck waiting 30 minutes for his luggage to come out.
  • I don't get YouTube.  People bitch about how their tv has 200 channels of crap and there's nothing to watch.  So you flock to youtube that has 2 million channels of crap?
  • There's something about real life that seems so fake.
  • What we need is an umbrella that will totally protect you from the rain, even if it's really windy and the rain is blowing sideways.  Oh wait, that's called a raincoat.
  • Some people never dead people.  They rarely change.
  • Are fish ever thirsty?
  • Does anyone say dangnapit anymore? Did anyone say it in the first place?
  • Whenever I get sick I put benedryl in my humidifier
  • Washcloth: now there's a name that's literal. Wouldn't it be neat if toilet paper was called Ass Wipes? Butthole cleaner?
  • Modern camels store their food in refrigerated humps
  • What do roses give each other for Valentines Day?
  • Is it me or does it seem like square pizzas are just wrong?
  • A wedge is a 3-D version of a slice.
  • Why is it when someone brings a dog onto public transit people stare at the thing like they've been violated? Like how dare that person bring that filthy thing on here?! At least the dog isn't leaving a newspaper, half a sandwich and potato chip crumbs all over their seat.
  • I don't believe in making out in public. Groping, on the other hand...
  • Anyone else find it weird that waterparks are called "Wet N Wild?"
  • Stop with these rationalizations people make about their height or weight. Its useless, counter-productive, politically correct bullshit and I can't stand it.  You are what you are and stop changing it into something you're not.

    "I'm not short, I'm fun-sized." No. You're short. That's why you need a stool to reach things on the top shelf. If you're fun you won't use a stool, you'll use a rope.

    "There's just more of me to love." Well then get your ample, lovable ass off the couch and go for a walk, ok? If you have to catch your breath after taking the escalator, there's too much of you to love.

    "Good things come in small packages." Yeah right. And you're the one that cracks 'small dick' jokes so let's find another way to boost your self-esteem ok?

  • "I'm just big boned." No, a T-Rex is big boned. You just scarfed 5 pieces of pizza. I'm think that might be the cause of your bones being big.