Thursday, February 26, 2009

Thoughts du jour

Some thoughts over the past, um, jours.
  • Love is blind. So are bats.
  • Michael Jackson announced he's making a "comeback." This, of course, will be exciting to the 50,000 fans who never thought he left. The rest of us will just laugh.
  • Non-cowboys should not be allowed to say "Y'all." It bugs me to no end to watch a man wearing a suit and tie say "Hi y'all!" You know what? Go drive a herd of cattle somewhere, then you can say "Y'all"
  • I find it interesting when people add a word in front of the word "love" to somehow describe "love" better. Looking for "real love". Looking for "true love". By definition, love is real and true. If it's not, it's not love.
  • To me, the word unauthorized sounds like it's where someone authorized something, but then changed their mind. "I'd like to unauthorize this."
  • I have a bit of dirt on my hands. I have a bit a time on my hands. Which one seems wrong to you?
  • Why do people say they're going to "jump" into the shower. What's with all this jumping? It sounds very dangerous to me.
  • By definition only outgoing people will tell you they're outgoing. Shy people won't say anything...because they're shy.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Add the Ten and Carry the Two

Over the weekend, I experienced (more like suffered) the most annoying experience one could have while waiting in a checkout line. In fact, I not only dealt with this mind-numbing, hair-pulling situation once -- I experienced it twice!

By now you're probably wondering: "Is this man insane?" or perhaps "Am I insane for reading his blog?" or at bare minimum, "What the hell is this insane man talking about?"

Well I refuse the first two questions (ok, yes I am, and yes, you probably are), but the answer to the third question is: I'm talking about when people are ready to pay at the cash register and it turns into a 10-minute fiasco trying to sort out how best to pay.

Now I realize everyone has this quest to rid themselves of any and all coins in their pockets. I also recognize the sheer joy and jubilation one receives when one is able to pay by exact change. I've experienced that myself...

Cashier: "That'll be $38.97" *A big grin appears on their face.*
Me: *Western-themed music plays as I reach for my wallet*
Cashier: *Her face goes from a grin to a frown*
Me: "Ha ha! I have a twenty, a ten, a 5, and look! A toonie, a loonie, and even..."
*We both gasp as I drop the change in her hand*
Me: "...97 cents..."
*The marching band and parade begins*

What drives me nuts, though, is where the person turns it into a game. A win. A matter of pride. They must "defeat" the cashier at all costs (pun intended) and ensure that they give that cashier the optimal amount of bills and coins.

That same $38.97 purchase took place not once but twice over the weekend. In both cases, I was next in line at the grocery store and when the total was given, the lady pulled out your wallet and I swear the theme from Mission Impossible started playing.

Bills started flying everywhere.
Billows of smoke poured from her ears as she tried to calculate what coins she had.

Let's see. It's $38.97, but I have $41.50. Is that good? Wait! What about $41.75. Maybe that extra quarter will do the trick! Wait! No, let me try $39.07. No, that won't work, it's only a single dime back, dammit! There's got to be a way to make this work!

In the meantime, my frozen dinner has defrosted, my bread's gone mouldy and I'm pretty sure Barack Obama's term as President ended 2 days earlier. She's trying to figure out how to get rid of all of her penny's and nickels, and the rest of us in line are forming a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks.

There should be a 30 second time limit on these sorts of exercises. I think that would do the trick.

Customer: Wait! Wait! I think I've got a nickel and a penny! One more penny! I've got to have it here somewh---
Cashier: *Buzzer* Awww, sorry, time's up. You'll have to give me $40 and deal with the change.
Customer: *Sobs* But, but, I just needed another second and---
Cashier: *Evil grin* Here's your change. Now get out of here before I give it to you in dimes.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Thoughts and News

Wow! Where have I been for the past few months! Why am I asking you? I have no idea, but I'm rambling now (like that's unusual).

But I've been busy -- sleeping a lot. Working a lot. I've been wandering aimlessly, though sometimes I've been wandering aimed. I have a few thoughts that have been slowly forming in my mind.

I hope to resume blogging more actively in the next week or two, but I need time to "ramp up" -- whatever that means. It really has nothing to do with ramps...

  • Yesterday I tried to tickle someone's fancy. I almost got arrested.
  • I love it when people comment: "You look nothing like your picture." That's right. I'm rarely glossy and I'm not 5x7.
  • What's with people wishing a "Happy New Years?" It's Happy New Year -- no plural. It's a new year, not a bunch of new years. One at a time, folks. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
  • I heard on the news the other day, researchers are trying to determine why "middle-aged" women have more stress and they're looking to interview women in their mid-40's. To save on some research time, they're stressed because you're calling women in their mid-40's "middle-aged!"
  • So GM wants billions of dollars AND lay off 47,000 people. Precisely how badly managed is this company?
  • If you dance like no one's watching, you're bound to step on a few toes.
  • I've got great morals -- but I've got a bad memory.
  • Pursuing happiness suggests that happiness is something to chase when in reality it's people who run from happiness.
  • Sugar will make anything taste amazing...except for salt.