Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's Bigfoot! Not...

Hey, do you like my blog? Maybe others would like it too. Spread the word!

Some random thoughts and news from the past few days...
  • Two people hold a news conference to explain they have a frozen Bigfoot in a box. A couple of "experts" vouch for their claim. The other day, these experts discover upon further examination the Bigfoot is just a costume. Another story to file under DUH!
  • A few days ago, a report came out saying the U.S. is vulnerable to cyberattacks which personally I thinkaer345ysdf SATAN RULES SATAN RULES asdgnaernio is total crap and would never happen.
  • Any time I see an "Out of Order" sign on a public toilet I wonder what the hell did the last guy do to cause the toilet to break.
  • The Thetford Chicken Massacre -- an actual event held in a small town in Quebec -- is where they take live chickens, cut off their heads and throw them in the air and wager on where the chickens will end up on the ground once they stop convulsing. Seriously. The organizers response to criticism is that chickens raised on farms for slaughter are treated far worse than what they do. I hate that sort of argument! What they're basically saying is "Yes, we're doing something bad, but not as bad as that over there!" You know what? You're doing something wrong, and something that's even more wrong doesn't justify what you're doing. "Yes, I stabbed a guy to death, but it's not as bad as that guy over there who used a gun." Make any sense to you?
  • A female prisoner in Florida is complaining through her lawyer that she's "uncomfortable" in prison and wants to be let out. Yeah, we'll get right on that, right after we take care of Olympic judging.
  • A study apparently is looking into the association between people who have "wide faces" and aggression. How about we focus on the connection between people who actually kill others and violence. Might be more fruitful.
  • Three professions where you never want to hear the word "Oops": Your surgeon, a pilot, and your barber.
  • If you get pissed off at the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Random Thoughts for Friday

It's been awhile since I've done some random thoughts. That's partially because I really haven't been thinking randomly for awhile. Actually, I don't think I've been thinking at all. Hmmmmm...
  • I was reading how scientists "revealed" an invisibility cloak. Ironic choice of words. What did they do? Point at an empty desk and say: "See the computer monitor on the desk? Good! See how well it's working already?" Isn't this something too easy to fake?
  • You know you've become domesticated as a man when you start to leave the toilet seat down in the men's washroom.
  • I love how the word "homemade" is used by restaurants. I saw a sign the other day that said "Try our homemade pasta sauce!" In other words, you take individual ingredients and mix them together in your own recipe as opposed to using a pre-made sauce from a jar?! I should sure as hell hope so, otherwise why am I paying you!
  • Similarly, I love how "homemade" is used with pre-made sauces and other prepared foods you see in the supermarket. Do me a favour: Don't flatter yourself by calling it "homemade" unless there's a little old lady in your factory mixing the ingredients together herself and pouring it into one jar at a time.
  • One last point about restaurants...a general rule of thumb: If I'm going to a place where I'm going to pay someone to make me food, the food they make should not be something I could've easily made at home for 1/2 the cost.
  • So it now turns out the some of the olympic fireworks was faked and the little girl who was supposedly singing was actually lip-synching to a pre-recorded version. I wouldn't be surprised if the gymnastics scores weren't "pre-recorded" too, ahem.
  • There's a news story that just broke about how a security document from Environment Canada was found on a street corner and how there's concern about it. I'm not sure what the concern is. What's going to happen? Someone going to break into the computer systems and make all the weather forecasts accurate?
  • Apparently the regulatory commission in Canada has approved it's own adult channel with -- as newspapers report it, "homegrown talent". No comment.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Plane Stories

I just recently came from from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The flight back actually involved a stop-over in Newark, New Jersey, so I actually did Fort Lauderdale to Newark to Toronto.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm a nervous flyer. I'm not scared, per se, but nervous. I don't like turbulence or anything else out-of-the-ordinary. Unfortunately, both flights home had out-of-the-ordinary moments...

While on the ground at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, the captain launched into his spiel about the upcoming flight -- you know, the stuff no one cares about? "We'll be at 39,000 feet," he says. "We expect it to be a smooth flight." Do you ever hear the pilot say, "You're going to be shitting bricks, folks. This flight's gonna be a rollercoaster!" Of course not.

In the middle of his speech, something happened. "...we'll be in Newark in about 2 hours 32 minutes. The temperature there is about ---" Suddenly the entire plane goes dead! The lights went out. The air flow stopped. The engines shut down. We're on the ground, remember, but still, this eerie silence followed. After about 5 seconds, the pilot said over the intercom: "Oops."


After about another minute, the plane started up again, but it left me thinking the pilot just accidentally turned off the plane! I didn't even realize that was possible! Was there a key he turned the wrong way? Did he blow a fuse? Was there a big, red Off button he accidentally pressed? How does a pilot accidentally turn off a plane?

The rest of the flight to Newark was uneventful, but more than a few of us on the plane were awaiting his next "Oops." *SLAM* "Oops! Forgot to put the landing gear down. Let me make a note of that for next time..."

I thought the short, one hour flight from Newark to Toronto would be easier. Nope! The flight from Newark to Toronto was on a small, 50-person propeller plane. I hate these planes as they bounce around all over the place with the slightest breeze. And is it only me, or do the propellers look like they're going to just fly right off the wings?

In any case, we managed to taxi onto the runway without incident. (Sidenote: Why does a plane "taxi" anywhere, but taxis never "plane"?) The engines revved for take off, and we started moving forward at quite a clip. About halfway down the runway to take off, suddenly the plane lurched, like we were losing speed. It was obvious the propellers were being powered down and the brakes were being applied hard. The takeoff was being aborted.

It's not like we were losing control, but the first question that came to mind was will we stop before the end of the runway? The second question was why did he abort take off? Of course, the second question was only possible to ask because the answer to the first question was "yes".

After successfully slowing down, he pulled off the runway to a secluded corner of the airport away from everything. Everyone was trying to figure out what was happening? Is there a bomb threat against a prop-plane? Was there debris on the runway -- such as another plane?

After waiting for about 5 minutes, the pilot finally came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentleman, unfortunately, we've had to abort the takeoff."

Ummmm, no shit.

"During takeoff, an indicator light came on indicating the rear cargo door was open, so we had to investigate that."

Gee, thanks. Good idea. Someone in the plane mimicked the pilots voice: "...and will the guy who packed please go pick up his luggage that's on runway 29..." Everyone laughed. Better than "Oops."

A few minutes later, the pilot announced they actually couldn't find a problem with the cargo door and perhaps the indicator light wasn't correct. Oh good! We'll just have to test that out, won't we. I can see it now: We're in the air and the pilot comes on the intercom. "Ladies and gentleman. Yeah, that cargo light. It was actually correct! Look at that! Oh and your luggage is in Lake Ontario. In compensation, we'd like to offer you an extra bag of complimentary peanuts."

Finally, we make it back to the runway and just before we takeoff, the pilot announced he hoped to "make up time in the air" due to the delay. But there was a problem with that. The flight is an hour long. We'd been delayed an hour. We were supposed to be in Toronto at 1pm. We were taking off at 1pm! So unless he found some sort of wormhole to take us back in time, I don't think he was going to make up any time at all in the air.

Ultimately, I survived. The luggage survived. And this is why I hate to fly.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In the news for Thursday

Wow, a whole rash of interesting headlines today. I've been asked if I'm making these headlines up. No, the headlines are quite real, usually taken from the Toronto Star and CNN websites. Of course, the comments are my own.
  • A Baby Elephant was born at the African Lion Safari yesterday. It promptly rammed a car.
  • A South Korean company actually cloned a dog 5 times and sent them to the owner who ordered them. Because they're exact copies, only one of the dogs has to be walked and trained.
  • 125,000 gorillas were found in a remote part of Africa, increasing their numbers dramatically. The gorrilas have been there all along, but they had fake id.
  • Scientists announced a toxin was found on Mars that suggests life isn't possible on Mars. The specific toxin is still being analyzed, but it appears to be associated with McDonald's Secret Sauce.
  • A man agreed to plead guilty to murder in exchange for a bucket of KFC. His lawyers plan on appealing his conviction on the grounds of him suffering cruel and unusual punishment.
  • Detroit's mayor is being sent to jail for perjury. He allegedly perjured himself when he was previously in court and swore to tell the truth.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Miami Heat

I've been quiet for the past couple of weeks -- which is a new record for me. Previously, my record for being quiet was about 3 minutes, 20 seconds.

I'm currently in Miami at the moment, on vacation for another few days. I've been gathering some random thoughts, but given the exchange rate, my 10 random Canadian. thoughts are only equal to 3 U.S. thoughts...
  • True story: The suntan lotion I bought advertises on the bottle it's "very waterproof -- up to 80 minutes in the water." But the instructions on the back of the bottle say, "to remove lotion, wash off with water." Hmmmmm...does that mean I need to take an 81 minute shower?
  • Why is it dog food but chicken feed? Apparently we never actually feed our poor dogs. They know we have the food -- we just never seem to give it to them.
  • True story: The weather forecast in Miami for my entire 10-day vacation has been a high of 88F, feeling like about 101F with a chance of scattered thundershowers. There has been no other variation.
  • When I take my dog to the pet store, I sometimes wonder if it looks around the shelves and thinks, "Heyyyyy! You've been holding back on me!"
  • Little-known fact: Most bittersweet chocolate enters a 12-step program to feel better about itself. About 15% finish the program as semi-sweet and 45% as sweet.
  • They now sell suntan lotion with an SPF of 70!! This means once sprayed on your body, you'll be protected from the sun until the year 2013.
  • Light mayonnaise is not really mayonnaise. I don't care what anyone says. It's not the same thing and should be banished from store shelves. If you're going to have mayo, have mayo! It's like trying to buy a light doughnut -- it makes no sense to me.
  • Does an infant insult another infant by calling it a cry adult?
  • Here's a way to solve the world's garbage problems: You know those magician's hats that magicians seem to pull out endless random objects? Just start piling garbage into these things and we should be fine.
  • It's amazing how the Tardis on Doctor Who has the entire country of England in it.