- Got a fortune cookie today. It said: "Fortune not available. Order must be over $20"
- What the heck is it with people looking for a good head on their shoulders. Everyone has a head on their shoulders. Is there a race of head-on-stomach people I'm not aware of?
- Today I was driven to distraction. It's a lovely town, though no one pays attention to where they're going.
- Do people not know how to use Stop signs? Ever reach a 4-way stop sign with 1 car going in each direction? It turns into a friggin' Three Stooges routine before your eyes. Cars cutting each other off; going in the wrong order; driving around each other. It's simple, folks. If 3 other cars haven't gone yet, it's not your turn.
- I've never understood the analogy of "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off." Does this mean we wander around banging into things and die after 30 seconds?
- Can a Jewish person eat like a pig? Would they know if they did?
- I'm very photogenic -- as long as film isn't used.
- Does the Pope say "Bless you" after someone sneezes in front of him? If so, that's cool because he really means it when he says it.
- "Toodles" came from "Toodly-doo." Who decided to remove the "Doo?" I don't remember seeing anything in the newspaper about it. No notice. No vote.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I received an email the other day from Flickr. I post my pictures on Flickr and occasionally I'll get emails from a group asking me if I want to join because some of my pictures match their theme.
But this one was rather odd:
"Hi, I'm an admin for a group called Ferrets with Tongues, and we'd love to have your photo added to the group."
I thought all ferrets had tongues? And why is this group obsessed with them? It's like having a group "Dogs with legs"
In any case, I thought I'd share. That's all for today. Please carry on.
Monday, February 25, 2008
- Vegetarian sushi is not sushi. Sushi is raw fish. Vegetarian sushi is just vegetables that happens to be wrapped in rice.
- Do not jump on a bandwagon. Get on carefully and only while it's not moving.
- Eggplants taste nothing like eggs. (This one courtesy of Mark J.)
- Your life was filmed before a live studio audience
- Anytime someone says to you "I'm listening" they're lying. They're talking. You're listening.
- Someone called me crabby the other day. I shook my pincer at him, told him no and walked away sideways.
- A good time to run: When Hannibal Lecter compliments you on having an open-mind.
- I love those fruit drink labels that say: "Now with 10% real juice." What that really says is "Now it's only 90% totally fake."
- I'm looking for my Equal, but I'll settle with Sweet and Low.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
As you can see, she plays hard, shits hard, made some friends and in all that, even had time to take a break and sleep.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
- When I go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, i typically focus on the "all"
- The maximum times you can lend someone a hand is twice. After that, you have to wait for the hands to be returned.
- Eyes are the window to the soul. My window has drapes.
- Ironic that a one night stand has very little to do with standing
- I should've been more specific when I said I wanted to meet a woman that gives me butterflies. I got moths. They ate all my clothes.
- What's a wazoo, and why do things keep coming out of it or piling up to it?
- Do baby shampoos want to grow up to be adult shampoos?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Below is a small list of examples. Things that'll make you go hmmmm....
Kleenex: This is actually the name of a brand. Facial tissue is what it's actually called.
Rollerblades: Have you ever gone rollerblading before? That's actually a brand. In-line skates is the name of the product.
Coke: Ok, this is stretching it a bit, but when you think about it, many times if you're in a restaurant you just ask for a coke, even if you just mean a pop of some sort.
Xerox: For some of you older folks, you might recall asking someone to "Xerox" something, aka photocopying.
Google: Going towards the other extreme, this is very recent. It was a brand, now it's a verb. If someone tells you to "google" something, they're asking you to conduct a search online.
Band-Aids: They're just bandages, though little kids will ask for a bandaid. :)
Zip-loc: Every ask for zip-loc bags? They're actually re-sealable bags, but you'd never call them that.
There's more. Plenty more. Do you know any? Post'em as comments.
Annoying trivia question: What does Hagen Daz mean?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Well it's a holiday weekend here in Ontario (for you non-Ontario folks). Monday is Family Day where families get to celebrate and I guess single people have to work. I think that's how it works.
Ahem, in any case, a few bullet points to last you the weekend...
- I'd like to see who commands an army better: Colonel Sanders or General Mills. Who should be more proud? The one that commands an army of chickens or an army of Cheerios?
- I start work at 9 and hope to wake up around noon.
- I hate alphabet soup. I spend so much time spelling words, the soup gets cold.
- Carp Diem: Seize the fish.
- I love weather forecasts. They're so weird. For example, there's the storm watch and the storm warning. What's the difference?
Storm Watch: Look out! There's a storm coming! Maybe! Possibly! Sometime! We're not sure! Any day now! We think!
Storm Warning: Apparently you haven't looked out your window in the past 24 hours, so we're going to tell you about how your roof has blown off.
A couple of thoughts about life:
- Life is what you make of it. I've decided to make it full of cakes.
- When life throws you lemons, see if you can ask for some other citrus fruits to balance things out.
- I enjoy the little things in life, like midgets, smurfs, and rice.
- Live life like it's your second-to-last day to live so you have at least one last day to clean up the mess after.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
So the other day, I took Abby, my dog, to Doggy Day Camp. Yes, that's what it's called. I won't get into what company offers Doggy Day Camp, but it's a fairly well-known company.
The premise is you can drop off your dog for the day and they will spend the entire day playing with other dogs. At the end of the day, you pick up your totally exhausted, limp, barely conscious dog to take home with you. Your dog will then spend the next 2 days recovering from all the excitement and exercise.
Abby (see pictures of her in previous posts), is a 13 month-old black lab/border collie cross. To say she has a bit of energy is like saying a nuclear bomb blast generates a bit of heat. She was a perfect fit for this type of activity.
She loves playing with other dogs -- specifically "boxing" with them. That's where a dog uses their front paws to basically slap at another dog. Abby is good at that. I'd like to say she learned this from me, but the only thing she's learned from me is how to sleep for 12 hours and still feel lazy after waking up.
Ultimately, she had a blast. She received a "report card" of sorts saying she played well with others, she pooped and she didn't bite anyone. Being a camp, I was expecting her to come home with some crafts she made, like a dog made from popsicle sticks or a friendship bracelet or something.
She'll be returning next week for another play date. She had a great time and will continue to go once or twice a week. Next week they're building a campfire, watching 101 Dalmations, and singing dog songs like "How much is that doggie in the window"
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
- I wonder if the factories making all those wind turbines uses electricity generated by coal. That would be mildly ironic.
- Rather than taking a romantic walk, I prefer a romantic jog. You're still with that special someone, but you get a workout at the same time.
- I bet when David Suzuki has an idea, a florescent lightbulb goes off over his head.
- The greatest thing before sliced bread was the bread slicer.
- I swear I've met this Mr. D. J. Vu before.
- The guy who invented body surfing was simply a surfer who tripped.
- I can't think straight. I think to the left.
- Wii-ing: To play one's Nintendo Wii. Example: "Sorry, I can't go out and socialize this weekend. I'm Wii-ing."
- Someday I hope to stop thinking in bullet points.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wow! Quite a lot of snow fell the other day. Still digging out of that mess. The snow plow helped in that regard by creating a 3-foot high pile of snow at the foot of my driveway. I enjoy downhill skiing, but this is ridiculous...
- Seize the day. Shake vigorously.
- Hell is an impressive place. It's cold. It's hot. Bats come out of it. Sounds like there's all kinds of action there.
- I tried to dance like no one's watching. That wasn't good advice for the three people I injured.
- I never take candy from strangers. I always introduce myself first.
- Take my hand. Take my word. Guess which of those two sentences doesn't make sense.
- Anytime someone says "What have you got to lose?" -- Chances are, there's a lot.
- Cats originally only had 3 lives. It's gone up due to inflation.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I get asked sometimes if I have too much time on my hands to come up with these. I tell them "No, but I do have time on my wrist." Then they leave me alone and don't ask again.
- When I make a mental note, I always use a mental pencil so it's easier to mentally erase.
- I'm still trying to sort out the difference between partly sunny and party cloudy.
- I think the Maple Leafs should go back on strike. Their record was better.
- Being politically correct is usually neither political, nor correct.
- I only go to Walk-in-and-out Clinics so I can be sure I can leave afterwards.
- The Twilight Zone is that empty space between the End Zone and where the fans sit.
- Favourite sexual act of a giraffe: Necking
- Whenever I hear a weatherman say "There's 20 cm of snow on the ground," I remember that there's 40,000 tons of snow in the clouds that is not on the ground. Then I feel better.
- When I'm going insane, I take a car. It's quicker.
- I've tried to take a bath, but the guard usually stops me.
- I love how at the end of shows, they remind you the show was "Taped before a live studio audience." I guess showers on lower budgets tape before a dead audience.
- What do you call a babbling brook that's very quiet? I guess it's just a brook.
- On the other hand, one hand doesn't know what the other is doing. (Read this one over a few times and then stop before you get a headache).
- If you squeeze a mostly empty shampoo bottle it sounds like the bottle is having an orgasm.
- I hate zombies. They always seem to be moaning about something.
- Guys who make rollercoasters are so moody. They always have their ups and downs. Sorry, I'm allowed at least one of these a day.
- Why even bother making regular-sized condoms? No man is ever going to buy them. All condoms should have some variation of large, jumbo, super, or ultra on the package.
- If you see anyone "dripping with sarcasm", make sure you don't touch them and renew your vacinations.
Friday, February 1, 2008
1) Those who know they know. Sometimes we call them arrogant. Sometimes we call them a leader.
2) Those who know they don't know. Sometimes we call them dumb. Sometimes we call them wise.
3) Those who don't know they know. Sometimes we take pity on them. Sometimes we call them humble.
4) Those who don't know they don't know. Sometimes we call them arrogant. Sometimes we call them a leader. Sometimes we call them dumb. Sometimes we take pity on them. Sometimes we call them humble. This is the most dangerous kind of person.