Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Wedding Day

Sometimes, being a guy is better than being a woman. Example: The Wedding Day.

The Woman
5am: Time to wake up.

5:30am: You shower thoroughly, but you cover your hair since it'll be washed later at the salon

5:45am: Shave and wax, even though this was also done the previous week.

6am: No time to eat since you have to be at the salon at 7am because your soon-to-be-in-laws are going to be there as well as your own family.

6:30am: After figuring out what schleppy clothes you can wear, you dash off to the salon.

7am-9am: Your hair is done perfectly! This is partially because you've "rehearsed" doing your hair at least 4 times previously at the salon. It only takes 2 hours to cut, colour, style, rinse and then cover your hair with enough hair spray and mousse that it'll remain frozen in that position until your 10th wedding anniversary.

9am-11am: You spend the next two hours telling your soon-to-be-in-laws how their hair looks wonderful while secretly cringing at your mother-in-laws "experiment" with the colour purple.

11am: You rush back to your house to meet your bridesmaids and to get on your dress. You wonder why all of your bridemaids are cringing simply because you've chosen to use the colour purple for their dresses.

Noon - 3pm: It takes you 3 hours to put on your dress because of all the straps, buttons, knobs, tubes, lotions and pulleys required to secure the dress in place while at the same time not ruining your hair.

3pm: FINALLY! The dress is on and you're ready to go to the place where the ceremony will take place. Of course, you still need to get pictures done beforehand. You've also been drinking non-stop since 7am and you now wonder if the dress has some sort of built-in hole so you can pee without taking it off.

5pm: After pictures, the ceremony is about to begin. Your soon-to-be husband looks amazing. All you can think about is how you're going to spend the rest of your life with him and how meaningful this moment is in your life. You wonder how his day went.

The Man
Noon: You wake up.

12:30pm: You decide because this is such an important day, you're going to shower AND shave. In the shower, rather than just soaping up your underarms, feet and crotch, you actually clean your entire body. When you shave, you use shaving cream and a mirror.

1pm: You use a brush to brush your hair for the first time in 5 years.

1:30pm: Your groomsmen show up with pizza, beer, and you watch the game for awhile.

1:30pm - 3pm: It takes you 90 minutes to get your tux on because you can't figure out what order to put everything on. Do you wear suspenders AND the cumberbun? Which goes on top of the other? Who the hell invented this thing anyways?!

2:15pm: While getting dressed, your friends speculate on whether or not you'll get laid tonight.

3pm: You have to pee. No probs, you just unzip your fly and pee.

3:30pm. It's halftime of the football game you're watching. You realize you were supposed to have pictures done at 3pm.

4pm: You arrive at the place where pics will be taken. You desperately apologize to everyone. Your mother-in-law whispers in your ear that your fly is undone.

5pm: After pictures, the ceremony starts. Your soon-to-be-wife looks amazing. You wonder if you'll get laid tonight.

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