Friday, September 26, 2008

It's Been A Long Time Since I Thought Randomly

Wow! Has a whole month gone by since I last blogged? Holy cow, talk about writers block -- or in my case, about 4 or 5 blocks.

Well, I'm back, albeit briefly. Here are a few thoughts that crossed my mind over the past few weeks.

  • Two blondes walked into a bar. They forgot to duck.
  • From a current hurricane forecast: "SHEARED DEEP CONVECTION WITH CLOUD TOPS COLDER THAN -80C IN THE NORTHEAST QUADRANT HAVE STARTED TO DEVELOP CLOSER TO THE LOW-LEVEL CENTER. ONCE KYLE TURNS MORE TOWARD THE NORTH-NORTHWEST...THE VERTICAL CIRCULATIONS ARE EXPECTED TO BECOME VERTICALLY STACKED AND MORE ALIGNED WITH THE DEEP LAYER FLOW." -- In other words: "We have no idea what's going to happen, but if we use big words, it'll sound cool."
  • I love baba ghanouj to the point I'm probably a little too friendly with the food. I call it babs ghanouj.
  • I don't understand the concept of a belt. I'm going to go buy some pants. But rather than buy pants that fit me, I'll deliberately get ones that will actually fall right down to my knees if I even move. Now I'll go spend more money on this rope that if I tie it tight enough, it'll keep my pants from falling down to my knees. Does this actually make sense to anyone?
  • One of John McCain's campaign promises should be: "I promise to remain alive during my full four year term in office." It's too bad Ronald Reagan didn't make a similar promise...
  • The oldest rocks -- 4.28 billion years old! -- were found in Quebec. They were readily identified by the long, grey beards and the constant ramblings about drugs and rock and roll.
  • Those yellow warning signs you see that warn you the floor is wet and you might slip? Just how useless are those? I've never seen anyone actually slip anyways. But if it did, all that sign does it tell you what caused the fall -- it's not like it prevents something. Now if the warning sign was attached to a nice, comfy mattress covering the wet floor, that's a different story.
  • I wanted to buy a great dane, but I couldn't afford it. So instead I bought a mediocre dane.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's Bigfoot! Not...

Hey, do you like my blog? Maybe others would like it too. Spread the word!

Some random thoughts and news from the past few days...
  • Two people hold a news conference to explain they have a frozen Bigfoot in a box. A couple of "experts" vouch for their claim. The other day, these experts discover upon further examination the Bigfoot is just a costume. Another story to file under DUH!
  • A few days ago, a report came out saying the U.S. is vulnerable to cyberattacks which personally I thinkaer345ysdf SATAN RULES SATAN RULES asdgnaernio is total crap and would never happen.
  • Any time I see an "Out of Order" sign on a public toilet I wonder what the hell did the last guy do to cause the toilet to break.
  • The Thetford Chicken Massacre -- an actual event held in a small town in Quebec -- is where they take live chickens, cut off their heads and throw them in the air and wager on where the chickens will end up on the ground once they stop convulsing. Seriously. The organizers response to criticism is that chickens raised on farms for slaughter are treated far worse than what they do. I hate that sort of argument! What they're basically saying is "Yes, we're doing something bad, but not as bad as that over there!" You know what? You're doing something wrong, and something that's even more wrong doesn't justify what you're doing. "Yes, I stabbed a guy to death, but it's not as bad as that guy over there who used a gun." Make any sense to you?
  • A female prisoner in Florida is complaining through her lawyer that she's "uncomfortable" in prison and wants to be let out. Yeah, we'll get right on that, right after we take care of Olympic judging.
  • A study apparently is looking into the association between people who have "wide faces" and aggression. How about we focus on the connection between people who actually kill others and violence. Might be more fruitful.
  • Three professions where you never want to hear the word "Oops": Your surgeon, a pilot, and your barber.
  • If you get pissed off at the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Random Thoughts for Friday

It's been awhile since I've done some random thoughts. That's partially because I really haven't been thinking randomly for awhile. Actually, I don't think I've been thinking at all. Hmmmmm...
  • I was reading how scientists "revealed" an invisibility cloak. Ironic choice of words. What did they do? Point at an empty desk and say: "See the computer monitor on the desk? Good! See how well it's working already?" Isn't this something too easy to fake?
  • You know you've become domesticated as a man when you start to leave the toilet seat down in the men's washroom.
  • I love how the word "homemade" is used by restaurants. I saw a sign the other day that said "Try our homemade pasta sauce!" In other words, you take individual ingredients and mix them together in your own recipe as opposed to using a pre-made sauce from a jar?! I should sure as hell hope so, otherwise why am I paying you!
  • Similarly, I love how "homemade" is used with pre-made sauces and other prepared foods you see in the supermarket. Do me a favour: Don't flatter yourself by calling it "homemade" unless there's a little old lady in your factory mixing the ingredients together herself and pouring it into one jar at a time.
  • One last point about restaurants...a general rule of thumb: If I'm going to a place where I'm going to pay someone to make me food, the food they make should not be something I could've easily made at home for 1/2 the cost.
  • So it now turns out the some of the olympic fireworks was faked and the little girl who was supposedly singing was actually lip-synching to a pre-recorded version. I wouldn't be surprised if the gymnastics scores weren't "pre-recorded" too, ahem.
  • There's a news story that just broke about how a security document from Environment Canada was found on a street corner and how there's concern about it. I'm not sure what the concern is. What's going to happen? Someone going to break into the computer systems and make all the weather forecasts accurate?
  • Apparently the regulatory commission in Canada has approved it's own adult channel with -- as newspapers report it, "homegrown talent". No comment.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Plane Stories

I just recently came from from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The flight back actually involved a stop-over in Newark, New Jersey, so I actually did Fort Lauderdale to Newark to Toronto.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm a nervous flyer. I'm not scared, per se, but nervous. I don't like turbulence or anything else out-of-the-ordinary. Unfortunately, both flights home had out-of-the-ordinary moments...

While on the ground at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, the captain launched into his spiel about the upcoming flight -- you know, the stuff no one cares about? "We'll be at 39,000 feet," he says. "We expect it to be a smooth flight." Do you ever hear the pilot say, "You're going to be shitting bricks, folks. This flight's gonna be a rollercoaster!" Of course not.

In the middle of his speech, something happened. "...we'll be in Newark in about 2 hours 32 minutes. The temperature there is about ---" Suddenly the entire plane goes dead! The lights went out. The air flow stopped. The engines shut down. We're on the ground, remember, but still, this eerie silence followed. After about 5 seconds, the pilot said over the intercom: "Oops."

Seriously.

After about another minute, the plane started up again, but it left me thinking the pilot just accidentally turned off the plane! I didn't even realize that was possible! Was there a key he turned the wrong way? Did he blow a fuse? Was there a big, red Off button he accidentally pressed? How does a pilot accidentally turn off a plane?

The rest of the flight to Newark was uneventful, but more than a few of us on the plane were awaiting his next "Oops." *SLAM* "Oops! Forgot to put the landing gear down. Let me make a note of that for next time..."

I thought the short, one hour flight from Newark to Toronto would be easier. Nope! The flight from Newark to Toronto was on a small, 50-person propeller plane. I hate these planes as they bounce around all over the place with the slightest breeze. And is it only me, or do the propellers look like they're going to just fly right off the wings?

In any case, we managed to taxi onto the runway without incident. (Sidenote: Why does a plane "taxi" anywhere, but taxis never "plane"?) The engines revved for take off, and we started moving forward at quite a clip. About halfway down the runway to take off, suddenly the plane lurched, like we were losing speed. It was obvious the propellers were being powered down and the brakes were being applied hard. The takeoff was being aborted.

It's not like we were losing control, but the first question that came to mind was will we stop before the end of the runway? The second question was why did he abort take off? Of course, the second question was only possible to ask because the answer to the first question was "yes".

After successfully slowing down, he pulled off the runway to a secluded corner of the airport away from everything. Everyone was trying to figure out what was happening? Is there a bomb threat against a prop-plane? Was there debris on the runway -- such as another plane?

After waiting for about 5 minutes, the pilot finally came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentleman, unfortunately, we've had to abort the takeoff."

Ummmm, no shit.

"During takeoff, an indicator light came on indicating the rear cargo door was open, so we had to investigate that."

Gee, thanks. Good idea. Someone in the plane mimicked the pilots voice: "...and will the guy who packed please go pick up his luggage that's on runway 29..." Everyone laughed. Better than "Oops."

A few minutes later, the pilot announced they actually couldn't find a problem with the cargo door and perhaps the indicator light wasn't correct. Oh good! We'll just have to test that out, won't we. I can see it now: We're in the air and the pilot comes on the intercom. "Ladies and gentleman. Yeah, that cargo light. It was actually correct! Look at that! Oh and your luggage is in Lake Ontario. In compensation, we'd like to offer you an extra bag of complimentary peanuts."

Finally, we make it back to the runway and just before we takeoff, the pilot announced he hoped to "make up time in the air" due to the delay. But there was a problem with that. The flight is an hour long. We'd been delayed an hour. We were supposed to be in Toronto at 1pm. We were taking off at 1pm! So unless he found some sort of wormhole to take us back in time, I don't think he was going to make up any time at all in the air.

Ultimately, I survived. The luggage survived. And this is why I hate to fly.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In the news for Thursday

Wow, a whole rash of interesting headlines today. I've been asked if I'm making these headlines up. No, the headlines are quite real, usually taken from the Toronto Star and CNN websites. Of course, the comments are my own.
  • A Baby Elephant was born at the African Lion Safari yesterday. It promptly rammed a car.
  • A South Korean company actually cloned a dog 5 times and sent them to the owner who ordered them. Because they're exact copies, only one of the dogs has to be walked and trained.
  • 125,000 gorillas were found in a remote part of Africa, increasing their numbers dramatically. The gorrilas have been there all along, but they had fake id.
  • Scientists announced a toxin was found on Mars that suggests life isn't possible on Mars. The specific toxin is still being analyzed, but it appears to be associated with McDonald's Secret Sauce.
  • A man agreed to plead guilty to murder in exchange for a bucket of KFC. His lawyers plan on appealing his conviction on the grounds of him suffering cruel and unusual punishment.
  • Detroit's mayor is being sent to jail for perjury. He allegedly perjured himself when he was previously in court and swore to tell the truth.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Miami Heat

I've been quiet for the past couple of weeks -- which is a new record for me. Previously, my record for being quiet was about 3 minutes, 20 seconds.

I'm currently in Miami at the moment, on vacation for another few days. I've been gathering some random thoughts, but given the exchange rate, my 10 random Canadian. thoughts are only equal to 3 U.S. thoughts...
  • True story: The suntan lotion I bought advertises on the bottle it's "very waterproof -- up to 80 minutes in the water." But the instructions on the back of the bottle say, "to remove lotion, wash off with water." Hmmmmm...does that mean I need to take an 81 minute shower?
  • Why is it dog food but chicken feed? Apparently we never actually feed our poor dogs. They know we have the food -- we just never seem to give it to them.
  • True story: The weather forecast in Miami for my entire 10-day vacation has been a high of 88F, feeling like about 101F with a chance of scattered thundershowers. There has been no other variation.
  • When I take my dog to the pet store, I sometimes wonder if it looks around the shelves and thinks, "Heyyyyy! You've been holding back on me!"
  • Little-known fact: Most bittersweet chocolate enters a 12-step program to feel better about itself. About 15% finish the program as semi-sweet and 45% as sweet.
  • They now sell suntan lotion with an SPF of 70!! This means once sprayed on your body, you'll be protected from the sun until the year 2013.
  • Light mayonnaise is not really mayonnaise. I don't care what anyone says. It's not the same thing and should be banished from store shelves. If you're going to have mayo, have mayo! It's like trying to buy a light doughnut -- it makes no sense to me.
  • Does an infant insult another infant by calling it a cry adult?
  • Here's a way to solve the world's garbage problems: You know those magician's hats that magicians seem to pull out endless random objects? Just start piling garbage into these things and we should be fine.
  • It's amazing how the Tardis on Doctor Who has the entire country of England in it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

In the news...for Wednesday

Wow, it's going to be a hot week. I love the heat -- I feel like I'm in a sauna...but for the entire day. I noticed a few interesting news headlines over the past few days:

  • Barack Obama today was quoted as calling the war in Iraq a "dangerous distraction." Therefore he's asked all Iraqis to stop waving their arms in the air and hooting "Over here! Over here!"
  • A Hungarian Olympic canoe champion died during training today. While authorities are still investigating the cause, their initial guess was it may have had something to do with the fact the canoe was under water.
  • A report in today's newspaper is pointing out how many food companies are "shunning the use of sludge" in growing their food. How do you get into the sludge industry to begin-with? Man, you must be an amazing salesperson to go to a food producer and actually convince them to buy what's essentially the crap found in sewers. "Hey, you know, we've been lacking that one last ingredient in our corn -- maybe we need to add a little sludge..."
  • The longest All-Star game in Major League Baseball history was played last night. Additionally, the record for the longest amount of time people didn't care the All-Star Game was being played was set last night.
  • Reports are indicating the Chinese government is trying to control the weather for the Olympics, such as preventing rain from occurring during the opening ceremonies. Their strategy is to get all 1 billion people to blow at the clouds all at the same time.
  • Steven Page of the Barenaked Ladies was allegedly found to have cocaine on him and was arrested. To capitalize on the arrest, a new lyric was immediately added to the song "If I had a million dollars...I'd post bail."
  • The Canadian and US governments announced today that they're proclaiming the economy to be doing "just fine" with "just fine" as being defined as "it really sucks."
  • A small town in the US is reporting that dozens of Catfish are actually leaving the water and "walk" -- as Catfish have the ability to do. Scientists investigating the matter found they're fleeing some aggressive Dogfish left off-leash

Saturday, July 5, 2008

News...and thoughts

Wow. It's been so long since I wrote in my blog. But I've been busy. Sometimes I actually have a life, though I'm not sure whose life it is...hmmmm. In any case, enough about that.

Some random thoughts on the news and everything else in life...

  • My life was going by in such a blur. Then I realized, all I needed was glasses

  • The US has the largest number of lawyers per capita in the entire world. Canada has the largest number of doughnut shops in the entire world. Priorities, eh?

  • Difference between a nerd and a geek: A nerd is someone who wears glasses and has a pocket protector. A geek is someone who'll decide to build a robot that looks like a nerd.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

More in the news...

I'm liking this "In the news" stuff. I can't help it. There's so much to comment on.


  • Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain overhauls team to stop 'unforced errors'. It's nice to know that the possible president of the United States views this as a tennis match. In my mind, he's already tripped on the net as he walked out onto the court.
  • A report came out from researches in Texas saying that eating a large quantity of watermelon can have a similar effect on the body as Viagra. Apparently, there's a chemical in watermelon that relaxes the blood vessels in a similar way as the pill. Researchers held a brief news conference to announce their findings in between orgies.
  • Officials are trying to figure out how to get 15 dolphins trapped in a New Jersey river back out to sea. Apparently ideas range from using really big nets to playing sounds of Orca whales to scare them off. My suggestion is drop a TV into the water and play reruns of Montel Williams. That should scare them off before the first commercial break.
  • A "computer glitch" this morning caused some traffic lights in Toronto to remain stuck on red for a period of 2 hours. Not surprisingly, traffic flow was totally unaffected.
  • A new study released today reported that Canada was "second last" when it came to climate policies and controls. Without missing a beat, Prime Minister Stephen Harper chimed in, "That report is totally unacceptable to us. We must work harder to be first last."
  • A US report indicates 62,000 jobs were lost in June. Luckily, 11,000 of them were recovered when they were found wandering lost in a nearby forest.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

In the news...

Well my shingles are finally going away (see previous post), so I'm able to focus again on the news and other interesting stories floating around the internet and in my mind. What a mess!


  • From CNN.com: 6 hospital workers disciplined in ER death. Nice. They've been disciplined. "Don't you ever let someone die in your ER again! No dinner for you tonight!" Actually, I believe a few were fired and a few were suspended. Good! Among the reforms agreed to in court Tuesday by the hospital are additional staffing; checking of patients every 15 minutes; and limiting to 25 the number of patients in the psychiatric emergency ward. Ummmm, how about one of the reforms being: Patients in the ER ward shouldn't die! That might be a good reform! Geez.
  • From the thestar.ca website regarding why some people liked to watch a fireworks display from a particular vantage point: "The view is better, there's more space and there are no cops," said Joel Duff, who came with four friends to watch the fireworks. "So you can drink beer," he said, "and smoke some weed." Joel Duff is now discovering the consequences of forgetting to ask, "Is this off the record?"
  • A truck hauling 12 million bees overturned over the weekend spilling bees all over the road. They were all returned to a new truck the following day. Luckily, they were all easily identified by the "Hi, my name is..." stickers they were wearing.
  • General Walter Natynczyk takes over the Canadian armed forces as of July 2nd, 2008. He was hired due to his experience, leadership, and his last name was worth the most points in Scrabble.
  • A flour mill burned to the ground yesterday. Hundreds of firefighters rushed to the scene to douse the flames with water. During the intense heat, a second call was made for eggs, sugar, butter and baking powder. The bad news is, the firefighters could not save the mill. The good news is a bakery will be opening up in the same spot within a week.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Shingles

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted to my blog since Monday. Or perhaps you didn't notice it, but I'd like to think my blog is about as important as world politics, so you know, I'm pretending that "people" noticed.

The reason for my disappearance is on Tuesday, I was diagnosed as having shingles. Now what are shingles, you might ask? How is it contracted? Is it contagious? What does it feel like?

My detailed answer is as follows: How the fuck should I know? Do I look like a doctor to you?

All I know is the symptoms are:
1) Forgetfulness
2) Extreme irritability
3) Forgetfulness

Ok, ok, settle down, I'm not that bad. Shingles are basically an adult version of the chicken pox. For some people, when they get the chicken pox, the virus doesn't truly leave the body. Instead it kinda hangs out in the spinal cord and sometimes puts in an appearance later on in life -- for many it doesn't.

The problem is, when it comes back, it's a lot more painful than the chicken pox, but it has some cool features too. Because the virus comes back by travelling along one nerve coming out from the spinal cord, the little spots and splotches are localized to one area of the body depending on what nerve the virus came from. Even cooler, it only affects one side of the body, since it's just the one nerve.

In my case, I have spots on the right side of my scalp and neck. So when I brush my hair, I can feel all these lumps on one side of my head, but not the other. How cool is that?!

Ok, it's actually kind of disgusting, but I'm on codeine right now for the pain and another med for the virus itself, so I'm feeling kind of good and in a sharing mood.

I'll be resting up over the next few days, so I likely won't have much to say (like I had a lot to say now) over the next few days. Next week should be exciting, though, with lots of interesting things going to -- to be revealed next week.

*Gasp* Did I just offer a teaser in my blog? I believe I did. Deal with it! Damn, there's that irritability again!

Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin

George Carlin, the comedian, passed away last night. Some of you may know his name. Some of you may not. For me, I wouldn't say I was a rabid fan or an expert in all of his work, but for me, he was an influence comedically.

My thoughts that I post -- one or two sentence thoughts pointing out the absurd was very much influenced by George Carlin, though he did much more than that in his stand up routines.

He always found "word play" to be facinating as do I; why we use language the way we do and how insane the english language can be. A few posts ago, I mentioned "pre-packaging" and how strange that word is: How can something be packaged before it's packaged? That was partially inspired by a routine by George Carlin regarding airplanes where he talked about "pre-boarding."

Below are quotes from George Carlin gathered from various sources online. I think you'll see where some of my inspiration came from:

"Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!"

"You can’t argue with a good blowjob."

"In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Babies...and things

"Another day, another dollar," says the government. The rest of us are saying, "Hmmm, I'm sure I left that dollar around here somewhere..."

Having been to a baby store recently, some further thoughts and observations about it...and other things mixed in:
  • All baby outfits are cute. Take any adult outfit and shrink it and it automatically becomes cute. It could have a picture of a dead body on the front of the shirt with the words "Killer" on the back and it would still look cute. "Awww, the baby thinks he's a mass murderer. How adorable is that?"
  • Apparently you can buy a wipe warmer now. Want to know what that is? It's a product that will warm baby wipes, so when you wipe a baby's butt, the wipe isn't cold -- unlike toiletpaper, the toilet seat and everything else the kid will have to face in a few years. What a load of shit (pun intended). The baby will have to deal with the trauma of cold wipes, and you know what? If I do have to heat a wipe, here's a simple, free way to do it: Place it between your hands for 20 seconds.
  • I bought a Wii Fit yesterday. After doing a couple of exercises, it declared me unbalanced. Apparently this machine can measure both your physical AND mental health.
  • A diner bubble apparently is another name for a high-chair.
  • From when the baby is born until 2 years later, I must learn to say "nipple" and keep a straight face.
  • Eyes are the windows to the soul. And the eyelids are the drapes.
  • Baby toys and products can be named anything -- it's quite amusing. Screw the sophisticated names given to adult products. Example: The Ultra X-500 High-Blast Surround Stereo System . Take the same stereo and dump it into a Toys R Us and it transforms into My First Stereo -- for $50 more.

Friday, June 20, 2008

EOTWT -- End of the Week Thoughts

It's a Friday. Happiness prevails. 'Nuff said.
  • It was reported a man lost 80 lbs eating only at McDonalds for a period of time. Though it was clarified he lost the weight by eating their salads and wraps. Of course the headlines all trumpet the fact he lost weight eating at McDonalds. No, he didn't lose weight because he ate at McDonalds. He lost weight because he ate healthy. The headline could've easily read: "Man loses 80lbs by eating salads and wraps...at home.
  • I've noticed while at a baby store three things:

1) I need at least one of everything in the store

2) I don't know what 1/2 the things are -- but I still need them, I'm sure.

3) Each one of those things will be necessary only for about 1 week before the baby outgrows it, discards it, or eats it.

  • Speaking of babies, I'm in the process of loading up the baby's rooms with all kinds of stuff for when my kid is born. Mobiles, stuffed animals, painted walls with all kinds of characters, etc. I'm not sure why, though. A newborn's eyesight is basically focused at a fixed length of a couple of feet for the first while -- they can't even seen all the stuff. This is why after a couple of months the baby is crying so much. It's because one day it opens its eyes and goes "Bwah! Where'd all this shit come from!"
  • I don't get Stephane Dion's "revenue neutral" plan regarding placing a carbon tax, but then reducing income taxes. If it's revenue neutral, why go through the exercise of it all? Why not say "We're going to take 5% of your income taxes and dedicate it to green initiatives." Wouldn't that be easier? What's with shifting all the money around?
  • It was reported the Mars Lander found bits of ice a couple of days ago. It was expected to find ice, but you think they would've consulted with Canadians first before sending up the probe. For example, rather than using a flimsy scoop, we would've had it include a big, plastic shovel. And once the ice was found, there would've been a mini-zamboni to get the ice ready for a game. I mean come on, if we're going all this way to find ice, we might as well use it for something.
  • A good picture should be worth 3 words. No more. No less. It should generate one of two responses: "That is cool" or "What the fuck?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Insurance and other things

Based on a few comments I received about my lightning picture making the news:

1) No, I didn't snap the picture of lightning by frantically pressing the button over and over until I got lightning in the picture. I left the shutter open for a minute at a time.

2) No, the Toronto Star didn't randomly call me up and ask me if I happened to have lightning pics on me (though that would've been flattering). They asked for submissions, so I submitted two pictures. They happened to like one of them.

Thoughts...

  • Honesty is the best policy. In close second is Life Insurance.
  • I can solve a Rubik's Cube in under 90 seconds -- under 60 seconds if the stickers are really loose.
  • I've got a beautiful mind -- though it looks horrible naked.
  • Life is too short to not have fun. But it's even shorter if you have too much fun.
  • I'd like to try bungee jumping with some of those small bungee cords you use for your car. Hook like 40 of them together and see how it goes, though I'm guessing I'll only be able to try that once.
  • I remember when I used to rent DVDs from a rental store. In order to establish a membership they'd ask for my license. It was only then I found out that apparently in order to rent a video, you also must be able to drive. Non-drivers are incapable of using a DVD player.

Monday, June 16, 2008

And now the news

I'm starting to enjoy reading the headlines in the newspaper and adding my 2 cents-worth. It's fun, and it's worth the 2 cents, but not much more than that.
  • Honda announced a new "emission-free" vehicle has gone into production. I guess it's emission free if you don't count the emissions coming from the car plant or from the plants that made the individual parts or the cars the workers drove to get to the plant. Other than that, the car is emission free. That's great.
  • Dear car driver: When the light is red, that doesn't mean you can continue to slowly drift into the intersection. You look like an idiot being in the middle of the intersection, and even more so when all the other cars behind you pass you because they actually go when the light turns green.
  • Cyclists rode their bikes naked over the weekend in Ottawa to protest their exposure to pollution...because everyone knows showing your penis or your breasts will get people to stop polluting. It might get them to throw pocket change, but that's about it.
  • There's a new law being introduced in Ontario that will ban parents from smoking in cars -- relegating parents to only being able to breathe smoke on their kids at home, at the park, and at restaurants. How will they manage?
  • There's a news report in the US that the extensive flooding there might be damaging to the economy. I'll just file that report under "DUH!"
  • Dear car driver #2: Stop swerving around every pothole and bump on the road as if your car will fall apart with the slightest knock. You're almost hitting other cars and you're putting yourself and others at risk. If you truly believe your car is that fragile, you bought the wrong car. Get over it.
  • Tiger Woods won the US Open golf tournament yesterday in a sudden-death playoff match against Rocco Mediate. They set a record for the most exciting match and also having the two coolest names in sports.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Random Thoughts for the End of the Week

It's Friday. End of the week. Start of the weekend. Going to Buffalo tomorrow. Using short sentences.


Today's thoughts...
  • In Toronto over the past week, there has been one bus crash, one streetcar crash, and one bus driver arrested for allegedly being drunk while driving his bus. These days when I take the bus, I ask for a transfer and a life insurance policy.

  • The Shuttle left the Space Station yesterday after being docked for 9 days. They actually meant to stay docked longer, but someone accidentally untied the rope and the shuttle drifted away.

  • A report came out from the US Federal Government that pot these days is 30% more potent than previously. Seriously. The report is entitled: "Whooooooooa...I need chips like 30% faster than before!"

  • I read today that shower curtains may be giving off dangerous, poisonous fumes and has bad chemicals in them. Geez, I thought that was just my feet. So I'll get rid of my shower curtain, because apparently that'll do damage, unlike my shampoo, fragranced soap, the conditioner that straightens and protects my hair, the shaving cream that softens my skin, hair gel that turns my hair so sharp and pointy it becomes a lethal weapon, and my deodorant that chemically interacts with my sweat to change the smell of it from shit to flowers.

  • Weathermen are confusing. What's the difference between: Isolated and scattered? Rain and showers? Snow and flurries? Do they have someone who's VP of Splitting Hairs?

  • A current ad mentions people should come to Newfoundland "...where there is no smog..." That's very true. The hurricane-force winds keep the smog from settling

  • Gas retailers are being probed for price-fixing. How about we probe oil speculators for signs of brain activity.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Stormy weather

We got hit by a couple of storms over the past two days. I've decided to show off the photos I took from that storm instead of posting random thoughts. I'm being lazy today. You can see more of my photos at www.flickr.com/photos/jeffuwo

Lightning

Lightning

Lightning in the Neighbourhood

Monday, June 9, 2008

Monday's Random Thoughts

Did you like the Superheroes in Miami post? Can I hear a resounding YES!

*cricket chirping*

Hmmmm, well I'll probably write about them again, so deal with it.

In the meantime, I few thoughts, comments and musings...

I hate it when someone is pulling out of an intersection and gets traffic to stop for them. Then they start waving and pointing for 20 seconds as they slowly make the turn. Get both hands on the wheel and make the friggin' turn. You're not accepting an Oscar, it's not a parade, and you're not the Queen. Just drive.
  • In Friday's Toronto Star in an article about Hilary Clinton allegedly not wanting to be Obama's VP: "She is not seeking the vice-presidency, and no one speaks for her but her," communications director Howard Wolfson said. -- No one speaks for her apparently... except for Mr. Wolfson.
  • Guess what the top headline in the Toronto Star website was on Friday evening. Was it:
a) The potential for a GM strike because of a plant being closed down?
b) Obama's historic win to become the presidential nominee for the Democrats
c) The Hockey Night in Canada theme song might be replaced.

You'd be wrong if you guessed A or B.

  • The US announced the word's fastest computer today. It can do 1,000 trillion calculations per second! That's just about fast enough to figure out why people are excited about the New Kids on the Block reunion.
  • I saw a baby chihuahua the other day. How can something be that small and have actual functioning organs inside? It was like 5 molecules wide. It was tripping over blades of grass, for crying out loud.
  • Speaking of driving, as I was earlier, if you happen to switch lanes and don't signal, please stop acting surprised when you notice the driver you cut off seems to be angry at you.
  • Yesterday, Toronto had a "severe weather" warning and a tornado watch. Apparently, a tornado is not severe weather.
  • Freud would have a field day if he analyzed men who used ovens. You get to turn it on. When it gets turned on, it becomes hot. Once it's hot, you can put something in it. But make sure when you're putting something in it, you use protection. I'll stop the metaphor there before I get banned.




Friday, June 6, 2008

Superheroes in Miami -- Part 2

...continued from part 1...

Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Wonderman have semi-retired from crime-fighting and have moved to a lovely condo complex in Miami. Still wanting to keep busy, but with limited territory, bickering ensues. Luckily, our superheroes are beginning to learn to live with each other -- and besides, Wonderwoman makes a kick-ass bundt cake.

We last left our annoyed, yet well-tanned superheroes dashing off to the see the Mayor at his request.

Wonderwoman and Superman bound into the Mayor's office...

Superman: We're here, Mayor.

Mayor: 'Sup, 'Supe?

Superman [mumbling to himself]: Fuck off. [Louder] As always, standing by for any emergency. We're ready for any troubles that might emerge; any emergency that might befall this great city, this great nation...

Wonderwoman: Holy over dramatics, Batman, I mean Superman. I think you've had one too many of my margaritas.

Superman: Yeah, yeah. Stop complaining so much. You're turning into Spidey more and more everyday. [Looks around] Where is he, anyway? He came with us...

Out in the hallway...
Spiderman: ...so there I was, facing my worst enemy. But I wasn't scared. Sometimes you have to face your fears to grow stronger.

Secretary [looking serious]: That's so profound!

Spiderman: I think you're kinda cool yourself. [Leans in] Listen, I need an assistant to test these new webs I've created and---

Superman: Spidey! Get your ass in here! The Mayor is waiting!

Spiderman jumps into the office.

Spiderman: Mayor McVayer! At your service, sir! [Turns to Superman] Hey 'Supe. Wassup?

Mayor: Welcome, Spiderman. Glad you're all here. I need to talk to each of you. We have a crisis on our hands, and only the four of you can help ussssssshey, there's only three of you! Where's Batman?

Wonderwoman: Oh, he took the bus. He'll be here in a few I'm sure. You know how route 53 is a bitch.

Superman: Mayor. What is this crisis you speak of? We're prepared for anything: Fiendish aliens from outer space; an insane convict running rampant in our fair city....

Mayor: ...slow drivers...

Superman: ...slow driv---sorry?

Mayor: The situation is worsening by the day. Elderly men and women are clogging our streets! They're barely doing 15 mph! I mean come on, this is getting nuts!

Batman runs into the room panting
Batman: Sorry...Mayor...Bus...Slow...Forgot...Transfer

Spiderman: Out of shape there, Busman -- uh, I mean Batman?

Batman: Don't make me use the Batbat on you!

Mayor: What's a Batbat?

Wonderwoman: Can we stay focused here, people?

Mayor: No, I mean are you stuttering? Do you mean two bats? Or just one? The flying kind? Why would you even bring that up? That's just silly.

Batman: [Sighs] As in a baseball bat! People, do I have to spell out everything?

Wonderwoman: PLEASE! Sorry, Mayor. You were saying...

Mayor: Yes, thank you Wonderwoman. Getting back to the problem at hand, it's horrible. Drivers are taking hours to drive only a few blocks. People walking on the sidewalk are going faster than people in their cars. And the slower they drive, the slower the cars behind them drive. It's an epidemic, I tell you! Something must be done!

Superman [putting his hands on his hips]: We're at your service!

Spiderman: Speak for yourself 'Supe.

Superman: No! We're in this together. All for one and one for all!

Spiderman: Is that what the Three Amigos say?

Wonderwoman: The Three Muskateers, Spiderbreath.

Superman [glares]: We're all in this together. Quickly! Everyone, hands on your hips, like what all superheroes do when they want to feel special.

Everyone puts their hands on their hips.

Superman: No no. Not you, Mayor. When civilians do it, they look stupid.

Mayor [clears throat]: Oh. Yes. Sorry.

Wonderwoman: I'll take my invisible jet and try to get an overhead view of what's happening. Ah shit, I can't. It's getting washed. Bird shit on the windows.

Superman: That's ok. I'll take a look. Wonderwoman, you go to the gated communities and see if they can seal people in for now. No more cars on the streets. Spidey, you go direct some traffic. Try to get those folks turned around and heading home. Batman...

Batman: I'll make use of my Bat-car-speeder-upper and the Bat-car-turner-arounder-to-go-homer. I have them right here in my utility belt...

Superman: Good job! Lets go.

They run out of the office.

Spiderman [stopping]: Sorry, I never caught your name.

Secretary [smiling]: It's--

Superman: Get your ass over here, Spidey!

Spiderman: Gotta go!

Batman [while running]: Hey, anyone have bus fare?

...to be continued...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Wednesday's Thoughts

I've been getting informal comments from people telling me how much they love my blog and make comments to me about how they identified with particular stories. I appreciate the support -- thank you! I'd encourage any and all 3 of you who read my blog to leave comments. It allows others to view your thoughts...and it proves to people that I'm not delusional and there are truly 3 people who read my blog, ahem.


Some thoughts for today:

  • The next time St├ęphane Dion and the Liberals are absent from a Parliament vote, they should be required to bring a doctor's note. This is getting ridiculous.
  • What the heck is "pre-packaged". It's either packed or it's not packaged. How does something become packaged before it's packaged.
  • I hate camping. There's too much pressure to be happy.
  • The team that should win the Stanley Cup is the team that has the best beards. It would make for an interesting series finale. Teams would be scrambling to hire old Italian women. Some of the younger kids would be let go because they end up with these little patches of fuzz on their face. It looks like they're growing friggin' mold on their cheeks.
  • Hulk Hogan's son, who's in jail for causing a crash that seriously injured his friend, wants to be let out of solitary confinement because it's causing him anxiety because he's by himself in a cell. Um, he's in jail, not his bedroom being asked to "think about what he did" while everyone else is at the party. He thinks he's anxious now? Let him interact with the rest of the inmate population.
  • Hilary Clinton has finally announced that in fact Barack Obama has the number of delegates needed after she was given a calculator. According to sources, she punched in a few numbers and looked up at aides and said, "No shit. I think I lost."
  • Can one of those trucks that delivers gas actually run out of gas itself? That would be embarrassing.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Monday's Thoughts

Well I had a wonderful weekend. Very productive, too. I took Abby to the dog park and they had a raffle going on. Abby won a collapsible bed/tent she can sleep in. I always knew she was a good dog.

A few ponderings from the weekend...
  • I won a bag of "natural" dog food in the raffle the other day. I wasn't aware that lamb naturally came in the form of dry pellets.
  • Some media outlets published photos of an "uncontacted tribe" found in the Amazon. The picture is of tribe members aiming their bows at the plane. I guess they're not "uncontacted" anymore, are they? Wouldn't want to disturb them or anything. Scare the crap out of them with a plane, eh? If you actively look for uncontacted tribes you're going to find them and contact them.
  • I tested the waters the other day. It passed.
  • You want to know how you can tell when you've been stood up on a date? When you're finished waiting and...stand up.
  • I wish people would get over Obama's Pastor already and how it reflects on Obama. It doesn't. What if Hilary's neighbour turned out to be some sort of horny, weird dude? Are we supposed to think this reflects on her?! Though, it would explain Bill...
  • Always question a man's motives whose hands are always in his pockets

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday's Thoughts

You may be wondering what on earth possessed me to write the previous blog post. (If you haven't read it, I suggest you do.) The answer is simple. One word: Nyquil. 'Nough said. I will write a second part, however.
A few thoughts for your Friday afternoon (P.S. Spidey says hi):
  • The first pictures from the new Mars lander came back. It clearly showed a lost, elderly Jewish couple who're trying to get back to Miami.
  • An earthquake struck Canada. The US gave it a 5.9 on the Richter scale, but France only gave it a 5.2.
  • Have you noticed how old Harrison Ford looks in the latest Indiana Jones movie? At the rate they're going, the next Indy movie will be called Jurassic Park.
  • The next time someone tells me to "Guess what?!" -- I'm actually going to start guessing. If they try to stop me, I'll say, "No no. You told me to guess. Let me know when I'm close."
  • I'm glad it was a baseball player that came up with that whole sex analogy (i.e. first base, second base, etc). Can you imagine if it was a football player?
Man #1: "Sooooo, how'd you do with Carol last night?"
Man #2: "Dude, she was amazing! It was easily third and goal, and I faked a pass and went with a quarterback draw up the weak side -- if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge."
  • Japanese cooking is so easy. No matter how badly you undercook a fish, you can call it sushi.
  • I tried to stick it where the sun don't shine, but I don't know how to get to the dark side of the moon.
  • Irony: A kid can't wait to grow up and all grown-ups wish they could be kids again.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Superheroes in Miami -- Part 1

It's the year 2030.

Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Wonderwoman have done such an effective job in their respective cities, there's no more crime at all.

Deciding to go into semi-retirement, coincidentally choosing the same condo complex, and without consultation with each other, they move where all good men and women go to relax and remove themselves from the day-to-day stresses of work: Miami.

Ah yes, Miami, where the sun is warm and the shopping is good. Never having had superheroes amongst their midst, Miami still suffers from crime. Purse snatchings, bank robberies, and the use of stolen coupons runs rampant in the city.

Their move to the south is fortunate, but creates its own problems. It's only one city and there are four of them. Emotions are on edge. Much to their excitement and dismay, there's still some crime-fighting to be had, and margaritas to drink...

Lounging by the pool sit Spiderman, Batman and Wonderwoman. Superman lands in front of the lounge chairs.

Spiderman: Heyyyyyyyyy. Wassup 'Supe?
Superman [with hands on hips]: Lady. Gentlemen. Just busted another crime ring. Oh, and stop calling me 'Supe. That sounds stupid.
Spiderman: No probs, 'Supe....rman, hahaha.
Batman: Another crime ring. In other words, you got another cat out of a tree.
Superman: Hey! At least I can get the cat without having to use a ladder or a rope, asshole.
Batman: Um, that's 'bat-rope' to you, Mr. I-Never-Use-My-X-Ray-Vision-On-Wonderwoman.
Wonderwoman [covering herself with a towel]: Hey! No peeking.
Superman [facing Wonderwoman]: Rest assured, Wonderwoman, I only use my x-ray vision for good. And besides, that mole you have makes it kinda gross to look...
Wonderwoman [standing up]: Stop looking at my ass! And besides, I had the mole removed. Who wants another drink? I'm going inside.
Spiderman: I'll take a beer.
Batman: Grab me a Batscotch from the Batbar.
Spiderman: Would you get over yourself already? Not everything starts with "bat". What are you? A friggin' smurf? It's scotch from the bar.
Batman [sighing]: What black widow crawled up your ass today? [Childish voice] Did the wittle purse snatcher run away from you again?
Superman: Gentlemen, gentlemen, lets stop our bickering. We have to get down to business still. How do we intend on sharing this great city amongst ourselves.
Spiderman: Well as far as I'm concerned, I want the downtown area. With all those tall buildings, it's easy for me to get around. Besides, there's this hot Latin girl downtown who's got this thing for webs and actually just sticky things in gener---
Superman: Yes, yes, we get the picture. Just do us a favour and remember to clean up afterwards. You keep leaving the webs everywhere and it's just making a mess.
Spiderman: Yeah, yeah. [Yells] Hey! My beer coming sometime today?!
Wonderwoman [approaching the lounge chairs]: Don't make me use my lasso on you Spidey. I've always wanted to find out what happened to you and that chick on the 7th floor.
Spiderman: You just want to tie me up. You'd like that.
Superman: Alright, enough from the two of you. Wonderwoman, stop parking your invisible car on the street. Cyclists keep ramming into it. Spiderman, clean up your webs and wash your damn outfit already. It smells like shit. Batman, I need to talk to you alone for a second.

Batman and Superman go off to one side.
Superman: I spoke to the mayor this morning. He has no issues with the batsignal going digital. It'll be clearer, and in hi-def it'll definitely be visible across most of the eastern seaboard at any given time.
Batman [pumps arm]: Yes!
Superman: Not so fast, Batboy. The mayor said due to the rising cost of gas, and the increased greenhouse gases, you're forbidden to use the Batmobile anymore. From now on, you have to take the bus.
Batman: What the fuck?!
Superman: Hey, don't shoot the messenger with one of your bat-arrows or something. It's not my fault. Here [hands Batman a roll of coins]. Here are some tokens to start you off. Call them Batfare or something if it'll make you feel better.
Batman [stern, menacing look crosses his face]: What the fuck?
Superman: Awww, now don't get all 'Dark Knight' and moody on me now.

Suddenly, the red phone starts flashing. An emergency! Wonderwoman grabs the phone.

Spiderman [mumbling to himself]: Tyra-mail!
Womanwoman [hanging up the phone]: That was the mayor. He wants to see all of us...now. Something's up!

...to be continued...

Friday, May 23, 2008

Baby Strollers

I paid a visit to a baby store last weekend. There's so much I could talk about, but I'm going to focus on one particular aspect of the visit that stood out in my mind: the baby stroller.

Now call me out-of-touch, but I seem to recall a simple time. Baby strollers had 4 wheels and a seat. You pushed the stroller and usually it had a baby in it. That was about it.

Stroller = wheels + seat + baby.

This has changed...a little.

I walked into the stroller section and saw objects that appeared to be around the same size as a Mini. There were strollers with 1 seat, 2 seats, reclining seats, bucket seats, removable seats, seats for the parents, seats for the kids, for the dog, for the neighbours dog, and probably the mailman fit in there too.

There were ones with rubber wheels, with inflatable wheels, spare wheels, removable wheels, winter tires, all-season tires. There were 8" tires, 10" tires, and tires that I could use as a spare for my care.

Some had shock absorbers. Shock absorbers! Where the hell do we take our kids these days? "Come on, Cindy! Load up the kid! We're doing some off-roading in the stroller!" Don't we just push our babies on the sidewalk or the mall? Are they that bumpy?

And lets think about this for a moment. When we're holding an infant, what is one of the natural things we do? We bounce them up and down. It helps soothe them and it's good for their balance. Now we're putting them in strollers where they don't feel any sort of bumps or bouncing? Does anyone else see the irony in this? We don't want the kid feeling bumps as we push them through a mall (where rocks, fallen branches and riverbeds abound!) but as soon as we take them out of the stroller, we're bouncing them up and down more than Richard Simmons on a cup of espresso.

And the accessories these strollers come with -- holy cow. Cup holders, stereo systems, wire mesh baskets, mosquito netting (in case we enter the jungle), rain gear, mobile dangly things, tvs, a nintendo wii -- it's just unbelievable. I'm surprised they don't offer a free tow if it gets stuck in a ditch. It scares me when a stroller manual is larger than my microwave, stereo and TV manuals combined.

On top of all that, these strollers collapse, they fold, they bend, they twist and somehow most can be folded up into your shirt pocket. Some will transform into a car seat, a playpen, a 2-story showhome -- it's incredible what these things can do. I wouldn't be surprised if the next Transformers movie was called Transformers 2: Attack of the Stroller

And since when do I need to take out a loan to buy a stroller? I mean I shouldn't have to figure out payment options to pay off my stroller. I'm surprised they don't offer lease and financing options for crying out loud. Hey, do they offer coupons? How about my CAA membership? Does that give me a 10% discount at least? It's got friggin' wheels -- does it count?

Look, I'm not naive. I fully understand that I'm making fun of a lot of things I'll be thankful for once I have my little one and I'm going for a walk. But holy shit, for the same price, I'll buy a Mini Convertible and at least I'll have a gas pedal, a brake and a steering wheel.

Oh wait, some of the strollers had those too...

Monday, May 19, 2008

Monday's Best Of -- The Levels of Dating

From January 24th, 2008
Editor's Note: This blog has been my most popular post so far, both with regards to views and comments....and I still haven't been beat up.

I have a lot to learn about women. I'm slowly learning, but they don't offer the classes online, so I have to learn through my friends. Dating is a prime example where verbs are everything...

As a guy, there are basically two levels of dating:
1) Single -- can see as many girls as we want as often as we want.
2) Married -- can see one girl as often as we want.

Most guys hang on to number 1 as long as they can because #2 is kind of limiting. It's really a simple thing: Level 1: You meet a girl; you like her; you have sex with her; you have sex with her enough and like it you buy her a ring so you can keep doing it with her for a number of years. This leads to level 2...

But with women, there seems to be a few more stages.
In order:
1) He's really nice
2) He's cute
3) I'm interested in him
4) I'm seeing him
5) I'm going out with him
6) I like him
7) We're seeing each other
8) I'm dating him
9) He's my boyfriend
10) I love him
11) Probably going to get married
12) I'm pre-engaged
13) We're engaged
14) We're married

That's not even including these "one-off" situations that you can insert at any stage:
1) Infatuated with him
2) He's my friend
3) My fuck-friend
4) A friend with benefits (note this is different than #3, I've been informed).

Getting into details about all of these levels if for another posting...or five.

But, this is why men get confused about relationships so easily. He proudly introduces his girlfriend to his friends: "Meet Suzie. We're sort of seeing each other." She glares at him: "Seeing each other?! What the hell?"

See, in his mind, he's somewhere on Level 1 for a guy. For a girl, she heard "We're at level 4" while in her mind, they're at level 8. Biiiiiiiig difference in levels. That's a whole 100% difference, in fact.

It's easy to test this theory. Ask any non-married woman friend the status of their relationship and guaranteed she'll select from one of the 14 on the list (or in combo with one of the one-offs) very quickly and definitively.

Ask a guy the same question and he'll always start the same way: "Uh, hmmm. I dunno. I guess we're..."

I'm going to get beat up now, aren't I?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sunday's Best Of

From December 24th, 2007

A couple months back, I was in line to pick up a package. It was a relatively small room with a relatively large line, so the line had to snake and weave around the room. Aren't those lines fun? You're actually 5 feet from the counter, yet somehow there are 20 other people in line.

Well a lady walks in, and just stands right at the counter. Well of course, people immediately got into a huff and told her to stand at the end of the line. She said she knew there was a lineup and she was in it, but she was choosing to stand where she was. Apparently the concept of LINE-UP was lost on her. It wasn't a case of pick a number and when the number is called you're up front. She just decided to make up her own rules about a lineup.

Another story: I was in a store waiting to get my passport photo done. The gentleman behind the counter told me to hang on as they were just finishing with someone else, which I could plainly see in front of me.

A minute later, they wrapped up and I was about to sit on the chair when literally out of the, a lady makes a beeline into the store and plops down on the chair with a huff. I look at her and the gentleman with a smile and said I believed I was next. The gentleman said: "Well, she was actually in here a half hour ago."

I was a bit confused by this. She wasn't even in the store moments ago. Now suddenly she's in front of the line. Apparently, you can be in line without having to even be there. I pointed this out to both of them by making this point: "Well, I was in here the other day. Does that make me go before her?" They both looked at me like I had said something horribly unreasonable, to which I pointed out, "So why does she get to go ahead even though she wasn't even in line?" They both looked confused. Do I sound angry?

Good. I'm going to start a new business: Lineup etiquette. I'd love to hear your stories...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Saturday's Best Of

From December 31st, 2007

  • The opposite of "outlaw" is "in-law". I would tend to disagree that they're opposites.
    "Suck up", "Ass kisser", "Brown noser", "Boot licker" all essentially mean the same thing. Do you get the impression someone watched one too many porn movies?
  • When vampires die, do they go to bloody hell?
  • Has it dawned on anyone that during the 70's and 80's, McDonalds had television commericals that involved a clown, a thief and a purple blob? Anyone else find that a bit weird?
  • Weathermen have the easiest job. They assign "probabilities" to the weather. There's an 80% chance of rain. Either way, they win. If it didn't rain, then they can say, that was part of the forecast: 20% chance of no rain.
  • Contrary to popular belief, it's easily possible to stuff more than 20 people into a car. Don't ask me how I know that.
  • I've heard the saying "Talk is cheap". The person who made that saying has never called a 1-900 number
  • Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. One you can wear around your neck. The other poops in your shoe. Someone got ripped off in this deal.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday's Best of

From December 29th, 2007

  • Beer truck spills load -- thousands pull over to help with cleanup
  • Scientists find that 9 out of 10 people have short-term memory problems and 9 out of 10 people have short-term memory problems
  • There is a strong buzz in town about the upcoming film festival. Experts attribute the buzz to a swarm of bees.
  • Scientists announced that nailpolish remover will dissolve the glue that causes birds of a feather to stick together
  • Members of the Invisible Club closed shop today, as attendence numbers were always in dispute
  • The world's record for largest female formation during a skydive was set today. In related news, the world's record for the largest all-male audience watching a skydiving event with erections was also set today.
  • A Miami, Florida weatherman quit today after 20 years when he realized he's been giving the exact same forecast every single day: Sunny, high of 93, chance of hurricanes.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Thursday's Randomness

            As you can see, I've had a quiet week on my blog. Some things are going on that I will likely speak of next week. So until then, I'm going to pull a Johnny Carson and offer some Best Of material (in my mind) for the rest of the week and into early next week. These will come from my early blogs, and I suspect a lot of you aren't aware my thoughts didn't start this year. They actually started waaaaaaaay back in November and December. *Gasp*. A couple of thoughts for today, and then my first Best Of beneath that.

            Please check back daily, and look next week for some hopefully interesting and exciting news.

            • I've never been able to master the ability to fuse two soaps together. You know when you're in the shower and one soap is so thin, you can see through it and you try to weld it to another bigger soap? I can't seem to do it. The small soap flies across the shower stall and the big one drops onto my toe.
            • Mum's the word. Grease is also the word. I'm so confused.

            December 26, 2007

            • According to the packaging, Sour Cream and Bacon Potato Chips are Kosher -- this means there is absolutely no bacon, nor is there sour cream in the chips...at all.
            • The Sun is 7 light-minutes away from Earth, meaning if it blew up right now, we wouldn't know about it for 7 minutes. So I'm not going to mow the grass tonight...I'm a gambling man.
            • A dog wags it's tail when it's happy. It also wags it's tail just before it lunges at your throat.
            • Ferrets can catch the human flu from people. A person can also catch the flu from a ferret. Therefore, do not french-kiss ferrets.
            • The grass is always greener on the other side, but they also use more fertilizer.
            • Prenatal vitamins are not safe for children.
            • When a bee gets drunk, is it buzzed? Sorry, it's a holiday. I'm allowed to ask.
            • Can soap get dirty? If so, how do you clean it?
            • Heard on the radio the other day, this ad: "Are you hard of hearing? Can't hear anything? Maybe it's time you get a hearing aid from..." I won't mention the product name. So let me ask. If you're hard of hearing, you're listening to this ad how?
            • When frogs play leapfrog, do they call it leapme?
            • When one "toots their horn", what part of their body are they tooting?
            • Having sex with three people is a menage-a-trois. With four people, it's a fourgasm

            Saturday, May 10, 2008

            Weekend Random Thoughts

            Well, it's the weekend. On the weekend, I'm light in comedy and heavy into...well...not comedy. I call these my "left-overs" from the week. I'm sure I'll have many more interesting things to say in the coming week or two, but I have to get these off my chest:

            • When will Mr. Noodles get married? I'd like to see a Mrs. Noodles and Noodles Jr. in the future.
            • Finding a man who'll ask for directions is like finding jello in a volcano
            • I have the gift of gab. My uncle gave it to me for my 5th birthday. My parents are still wondering if they can return it.
            • Anytime anyone says "...if all goes well..." you know it won't.
            • Positivity comes from the mind. Negativity comes from a magnet.
            • Change is in the air -- two dimes and a nickel from what I can tell.
            • I'm quite optimistic I'm a pessimist
            • The next time someone says to you "Exuse me" reply back with "No. I'm afraid there's no excuse for you." Then duck.

            Thursday, May 8, 2008

            Much ado about a little Bit

            I came across a story the other day in the Toronto Star about a woman who was fired from a Tim Hortons because she gave a Timbit to a child for free. Seriously.

            The Timbit -- worth 16 cents -- was given to the youngster to keep her quiet. The woman, who had worked for Tim Hortons for 3 years mentioned that they often give Timbits to dogs and other kids, so she didn't see the issue. Apparently, their manager did. This is where I find the story outrageous and stupid.

            The employee was confronted by three managers the following day mentioning they had caught her on videotape. This astounds me on a number of levels. Three managers? Were they concerned the woman was going to bolt out of the office? Was one guarding the door in case she had plans to flee the country? Perhaps they were going to play good cop/bad cop with her?

            Manager 1: "Please, sit down. Would you like a coffee? We have tons of it, you know."
            Manager 2: "Coffee?! You think she deserves coffee?! She stole a friggin' Timbit! She deserves nothing from us!"
            Manager 1: "Don't listen to him. He's always like this. Want a sandwich? What have tons of those too..."

            Luckily, it was probably a short conversation because the crack security staff at the store reviewed the video tape and somehow determined the woman hadn't grabbed a day old Timbit, but instead a fresh Timbit to give to the child. Apparently the fresh Timbits look nicer or something. Perhaps the older ones are separated from the new ones somehow?

            "Awww, what a cute baby. Here's a Timbit..." *reaches into the trash can*

            It's nice to know that kids and dogs get the leftovers. Good stuff. Thanks for letting us know.

            I'm also thankful that the crack security system there caught the "theft" (as it was called!!) in action. Forget the money disappearing from the till -- this Timbit theft ring must end now! Geez.

            You know what? They caught her. Maybe she shouldn't have done it -- even though apparently it's done all the time in the store -- but she did. Perhaps these 3 managers were college kids who got a hard on whenever they got to discipline someone, but lets not go overboard (like what I'm doing in this rant, for example). Geez, tell her to not do it again. Hell, fine her. Tell her she's docked 16 cents. Or really punish her and double the fine -- make it 32 cents. It's call discretion, folks, and managers are supposed to have it.

            Mysteriously, the next day (today), she was re-hired, though at a different Tim Horton's store. The corporate headquarters called it an "overreaction" (duh!) and they're "working with the store owner" (meaning the managers were probably fired).

            Now this isn't a Tim Horton's bashing, per se. They serve wonderful coffee (though I've never had a coffee in my life), and their doughnuts are tasty and fresh (assuming I'm not a kid or a dog), but this incident shows that sometimes people must learn to think and not just react. Reacting first and thinking second leads to newspaper articles that cost more to write than what the incident was worth.

            You can find the two articles here:
            http://www.thestar.com/article/422864
            http://www.thestar.com/News/Ontario/article/422936

            Tuesday, May 6, 2008

            It's...a new car!

            I bought a Santa Fe over the weekend. No, not the city (though with the poor US economy, there are a few cities for sale). I bought the Hyundai Santa Fe SUV.

            Don't worry, this isn't a commercial about how wonderful this SUV is, or how wonderful Hyundai is. This is a story about the wonderful sales people at car dealerships (he says with a sarcastic sneer). Actually, the sales person I dealt with wasn't too bad all things considered. In general, I find any sort of sales experience amusing, and certainly buying a car qualifies as one of them.

            The Santa Fe had already been identified as the likely candidate for purchase beforehand. Of course, the sales person didn't know this, but the whole point was really to go to the dealership; test drive the Santa Fe; make an offer...and go home.

            Walking through the door of the dealership is always a fun moment, isn't it? You're faced with a group of sad-faced salespeople, facing the door, waiting in anticipation like a dog does looking out the window waiting for his owner to come home. In fact, I'd swear I saw a couple of them wag their butts as I approached the sales staff.

            One of them got up and introduced himself like he was seeing a long-lost relative for the first time. I almost thought he was going to give me a hug. At this point, I knew his attempt at winning Best Actor was about to start.

            I indicated I was interested in the Santa Fe, to which the salesperson told me I'd made a "wise decision" and almost literally bowed as if I had seen through the haze and falsities of other car brands and had made the wisest choice of all time.

            He began to explain the various features of the Santa Fe, which is fine since that's what he's supposed to do anyways. Everything was wonderful and nothing was bad, of course. He also adopted the cliche approach of trying to be my friend. On occasion, he'd lean in and whisper something that was allegedly of extreme value or importance, always starting off with lines like "...between you and me..." or "...to be honest with you..." Of course, none of the information was between me and him, and if he's being honest with me at that moment, it doesn't say much about the other things he said to me.

            Then came the test drive. I've always felt badly for the salesperson when they go on a test drive. They never know how good or bad the driver is, and it's an awkward situation. It's not like they can grab the wheel and insist on returning back to the dealership. It's like they've volunteered to be kidnapped by total strangers: "Here, let me sit in the backseat while you do the driving. By the way, what's your name again?"

            The test drive went well and it came down to getting a quote. This is the part I hate with car-buying. I know that you can bargain from the sticker price. The salesperson knows that too. And he knows I know. Yet, they still put on this charade of how big of a deal it is to ask for the price to be dropped. They have to sign forms, ask the sales manager, give up their first born son, and ask for a review committee to sign off on the deal.

            This was exactly what I experienced as well. I gave a "range" of what I was willing to pay -- I say "range" in quotes because they only care about the maximum amount -- and after much thought, protest, and meetings, he came back with a number $6 over my maximum and said that was as far as he could drop things. After I pointed out he'd only dropped $300 off the sticker price (he seemed shocked I could do math), he disappeared again for minutes at a time to return with the miraculous amount of exactly what my maximum was. Imagine that?

            What was most amusing is when I was about to walk over this $6 difference. His hands were literally shaking as he asked what he needed to do to "keep my business." What a stupid question to ask. What did he think I was going to say? "Can you sing me a love song from West Side Story?" I looked at him and said "Drop the price." He looked back at me like I had insulted his mother before he sighed and went back to the sales manager.

            The next portion of this exercise was even more interesting. Now that I've agreed to a price and he's told wonderful the SUV is and how my life will never be the same, he then proceeded to tell me how the SUV will fall apart. It'll rust, the wheels will come off, the transmission will fail -- all after the warranty expires, so it's important that I buy an extended warranty and rust-proof protection.

            Obviously, it's an exaggeration, but it's something I love hearing when buying electronics, cars, or other expensive items. "You'll love it! This is a wonderful choice! You should buy it because of the quality." After I say ok: "It sucks! It won't last 3 years. It'll blow up. You need our extended warranty for another $2,000, and then it won't suck anymore." Uh-huh.

            To make a long story not much longer, I ultimately bought the car (without the extended warranty, the rust proofing, etc, etc). I found it amazing how the entire dealership congratulated me as I walked out the door -- like I'd won a medal or given birth. I just gave them $40,000 -- that's not something that requires me to celebrate -- it requires them to celebrate.

            The salesperson was nice, and helpful, but he'll lose Best Actor to the guy trying to sell cheap gas rates.

            Saturday, May 3, 2008

            My 100th post -- happy...anniversary?

            Yup, it's my 100th post! Exciting, I know. I can see you're withholding your applause and praise, which is great. Hold it for my 1000th post.

            Speaking of 1000, I'm so close to the 1,000-hit mark, I can almost smell it!

            Ok actually, I can't. I tried pressing my nose to the screen and other than leaving snot marks all over the volume knob, it did me no good. But I thank you once again for your visits and support and please continue to tell your friends, family, and random strangers about my blog. The bigger the audience, the more fun it becomes.

            • Keep healthy: Don't fry your brain. Boil your blood instead. Less fattening.
            • When dating, it starts off with chemistry and if all goes well, it ends with biology
            • I could go for a cold patio on a nice beer.
            • Has anyone actually had their eye poked out? If I poke someone's eye, it goes in, not out. Did I ever mention I think too much?
            • Two men walk into a bar. It was metal. It hurt.
            • Why do people seem to care so much about why a chicken crossed a road?
            • I love it when I hear a baby burp. It makes me wonder how much beer it had.
            • Definition of chaos: The 4x50 relay in short-track speedskating
            • Here's something that'll hurt your brain: There's a jar full of flies. All the flies are resting at the bottom of the jar. You weigh the jar. Then you shake the jar. Now all the flies are flying around in the jar. None of them are touching the bottom, top, or sides of the jar. You weigh the jar again. Does it weigh the same? More? Or less than the first weight?

            Thursday, May 1, 2008

            Hockey Diplomats

            I was listening to the radio the other day (as opposed to watching the radio which is really, really boring) and they had an interview with a former diplomat who was sharing his experiences. He commented on how "nuanced" he had to be when communicating with other diplomats. Every word, every verb, every pause must be thought through and analyzed because each moment will mean something. It got me thinking about how formal a life a diplomat or ambassador must lead. They can't take a walk without someone wondering what that means and how it's an insult to an entire foreign country that he was walking too fast or on the right side of the street instead of the left.

            Later that night, I caught one of the hockey games on TV and as I watched an interview at the end of the game, I realized that most hockey players are diplomats as well -- just waaaaaaay more informally. No matter how tough the question, their answers are amazingly diplomatic, nuanced and skirt around the issue like any true politician would. I have no idea how they do it. I'm amazed that somehow with a limited vocabulary, they can take a loaded question and turn it into a non-answer.

            Interviewer: "So what do you think of player X who bashed in your head last week?"
            Player: "Well, you know, like, it's a game and you know things happen sometimes. You want to, you know, avoid accidents, and everything should be fine."

            Interviewer: "The goal you scored last week that critics say you deliberately redirected with your arm -- is that what you did?"
            Player: "Well, the ref, you know, like he calls the game as he sees it. Sometimes you get the calls and you know, sometimes you don't. This one went in my favour."

            So it got me thinking (unfortunately), what it would be like if we used hockey players as ambassadors. A Russian hockey player represents Russia. A Canadian hockey player represents Canada, and so on. Can you imagine what U.N. debates would be like? Can you imagine what summits and negotiations would be like?

            John, the Canadian player (munching on a doughnut): "Yo, Mikey. Did you catch the game last night?"

            Mike, the US player: "Nah, I couldn't. I was out hunting with the kids. You know, the deer season and stuff."

            John (after chugging a Blue): "Yeah, Mike, you know those guns are, like, you know, getting into Canada, eh? You know, I know you guys like to shoot and stuff, and I'm all for that, but can you, you know, keep it down there in your country?

            Mike: "Yeah, you know, sorry, John. I go by what the boss Bushy says, you know. He's all for the hunting thing and, you know, it's not really anyone's fault. I mean, there's the whole border thing where, you know, the guards are there, but it's a big border. I mean the guys are trying hard, right."

            John (offers Mike a Timbit): "Yeah, I mean my boss, Stevey-H, wants the best for everyone, eh? I mean you have your deer and I mean we have cars that we build for you guys and stuff. Hey want to come by for a BBQ later?"

            Mike: "Nah, I have to meet with that Boralov guy from Russia. Get this, his boss is peeved about these missiles we built and you know, they're just around the corner from his country. I mean the wind is against his back right now, you know, and I just think that, you know, there won't be accidents in an accidental way because of this, right?"

            John (looks up from staring at the Sunshine Girl): "Huh? Oh yeah, Bory's a good guy. You know, he's got a mouth, but you know, he's trying and he's good at what he does, you know. I mean, I he's shown he's got the goods in the past, and I think his respect goes a long way. Ok, I gotta grab a two-four, so I'll see ya tomorrow sometime, eh?"

            Mike: "Shoot, no I can't. That whole Middle East thing is really tricky, you know, with the two teams really staring each other down. I mean they're both really good and you know they're strong. I mean I met them both before and, you know, even with their injuries you have to watch them closely, you know, because even when they're down, they're up."

            John (throwing on his Roots toque): "Alright, Mikey. I'm outta here. Take it easy and say hi to Georgey for me. I mean he's a good guy too, eh, and I only want the best, but you know, we still have to kick your ass, but I mean we're all good sports, eh?"

            Monday, April 28, 2008

            Tuesday's News

            Some headlines I thought I saw in the news today. Perhaps I was wrong...hmmm...

            • A midget and a basketball player collided in a pedestrian accident this morning. A spokesperson for the fire department would not comment, other than to say the Jaws-of-Life had to be used.
            • A bear shit in the woods.
            • The President of Quitters Anonymous announced he's ending his term early.
            • A survey reports the most common name for a dog or cat: Peeve
            • The police disposed of bullet-proof vests and replaced them with bulletproof jackets and ties as vests were considered "too 70's"
            • Scientists announced that because of extensive drug tests on rats, they have been cured of all diseases...and they have two tails.
            • It was an odd theme night in the entertainment district on Saturday. During an earthquake, as people filed into dance clubs, they shook hands, shook their heads, then shook their booty to the song "Shook me all night long"
            • Due to the increased cost of gas and excess weight, airlines added yet another surcharge today, charging an additional $20 for anyone boarding the plane wearing socks.
            • The President of the United States said he's by-passing the two-term limit law by announcing the last term was actually all a dream.
            • And this is a real headline worded a bit strangely. Look at the list of raw ingredients.: "The brewer of Stella Artois and Beck's beer said Tuesday it was hiking prices to offset soaring costs for raw ingredients such as malt, barley and aluminum." -- This is why I like light beer. It has less aluminum...

            The Drive for 1,000

            Folks, as you can see by the hit counter in the lower-right corner, I'm sooooooooooo close to getting 1,000 hits. This is exciting news...well for me, at least. For all of you who read my blog -- all 3 of you -- I appreciate your continued support, comments and suggestions.

            I offer this challenge: I'd like to hit 1,000 by the end of the week, if not earlier. Do you know of any friends who you think would enjoy my blog? Do you know of a website where I should advertise? Lets increase my audience. The bigger the audience, the more comments and suggestions I'll get and the more topics and ideas I'll have.

            Does this smack of desperation? Damn right it does! So before I have to grovel, pass along my URL to others, and keep checking back for almost daily posts on just about everything random...

            Thank you fur yur support.

            Jeff

            Thursday, April 24, 2008

            Friday's Thoughts

            Wow, it's been awhile since I had random thoughts in bullet points. For the past couple of weeks I've been ranting and raving. But it's Friday, and I'm tired. My thinking has shrunk quicker than the U.S. housing market. Here are my thoughts for today -- for what it's worth...

            • I don't need to be revitalized. I haven't even been vitalized once.
            • There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's usually the headlights from a car.
            • If a dog mimics another dog, is it a copycat? Or a copy...well you get the drift.
            • What exactly is the difference between a braincramp and a brainfart and why are we attaching other bodily functions to our brain in the first place?
            • The speed in which I run varies proportionally with the size of the dog chasing me
            • One day I'd like to see the sky actually fall. That'd be kind of cool.
            • Life is a highway and the guy behind me has road rage.
            • I'm not afraid of my own shadow, but I don't like the looks of other shadows.
            • Jelly fish wander the ocean searching for Peanutbutter fish

            Wednesday, April 23, 2008

            That Was a Close Shave

            I was shaving this morning and decided to read the label on the tube (yes, it's a tube) of shaving cream. I will say upfront this particular brand (which I will not name) is by far the best shaving cream I've ever used giving the smoothest shave without any irritation or sensitivity.

            Now before I continue sounding like a commercial, I was actually astounded by what I read on the label. So much so, I have to make fun of it here. Once again, I love the product, but apparently this product's marketing team was hired away from NASA and Microsoft...

            Enjoy shaving with our multiple award winning AlphaGel Shaving Software.
            -- Yes, they are calling it "software". It's shaving cream, folks. It does not help you write documents. It does not help you clean up your pictures. You put it on your face. And my apologies, but I must have missed the 20th Annual Shaving Cream Awards, so I'll trust that you won something. They have awards for shaving cream??

            AlphaGel Shaving Gel employs SSE,™ our unique Shave Surface Enhancing technology, with DDS™ (Dual Delivery System)...
            -- Ok, once again, we're still talking about a shaving cream. Any shaving cream that uses acronyms has a problem -- let alone having two of them in the same sentence! And come on, can't you just say: "Our shaving cream delivers a smooth shave?" Do we need to talk about a technology? Are there microchips? Do you need RAM and a hard drive? Can it connect to my router? If not, then please don't use that word.

            Pre-shave, prime face for a superlative shave with K-1ST180G Face Wash. Post-shave, protect face from UVA/B rays with K-24SPF8 Moisturiser.
            -- Are these part numbers for the shuttle? "The shuttle Endeavor was delayed from launching today due to a part malfunction in the booster rockets. The K-1st/180G will have to be replaced and take up to two weeks." How does anyone even remember these product names?

            Now I'm no marketing guru, but shouldn't the "hype" around the product be at the same level as the product itself? In other words, this is a simple product with a simple purpose. Can't we just say it shaves well? Do we need it to have a technology and software? Do we need to give it weird code names?

            Once again, in my experience, this product is the best -- at least for me. But geez, I get the impression if people read the label, they'd be afraid to try using it because they might break something or need special equipment.

            Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put some B-94X turkey on a slice of Ultra-QB White Bread for my dinner.